every day's a new day

Considering where things have gone in the past year, and considering where things are likely to be heading in 2007, I find these words strangely appropriate. Every day is a new day, and every day is another day for God to work within my life and the cirucmstances that I am facing, and the circumstances that I'm likely to face next year.
It hasn't been an easy year, and 2007 promises to be a roller-coaster ride like nothing I've experienced to this point. I know, though, that with God, and thankfully, with the love of my family, God will carry me through. It may not be easy, but it will be my life....

I'm 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
I'm 22 for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we're on fire
Making our way back from Mars
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
I'm 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I'm a they
A kid on the way
A family on my mind
I'm 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy, Time to lose yourself
Within a morning star
15 I'm all right with you
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
Half time goes by
Suddenly you’re wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We're moving on...
I'm 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
15 there's still time for you
22 I feel her too
33 you’re on your way
Every day's a new day...
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose
Hey 15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

peace on earth

It has been a disillusiong, difficult Advent this year. I have struggled, sometimes more than others, with finding the time and energy to focus on the experience that Christmas as a believer with two small children can be. It has been hard to do that. This has been less than happy month, and knowing that the future holds sadness has also made it very difficult to focus on the here and now. I have wanted so much more out of this Christmas.
I wanted a month filled with seeing Christmas through the eyes of my children, and in all reality, there have been glimpses of that from time to time. Katherine and Elizabeth have had their moments of wonderment, and although few and far between, they have been a thrill. I have also seen some of the true meaning of Christmas through their eyes as well. Katherine certainly is able to recount most of the Christmas story to me, and she is quick to ask questions about Christ's birth and His life, which is a real joy.
Those moments though, have been interspersed in between a lot of moments of frustration with the sinful world that exists. We have mourned the loss of a friend's baby and begun to mourn the loss of my mother - not exactly the expected Advent activities.
This morning, somehow, I was pulled away from all of that for a few moments. Sean Lucas' sermon and Jon Medlock's Sunday School lesson reminded me of the glory of the Lord, the wonder with which the first Christmas was celebrated. They both spoke of the angels' song to the shepards and how the Glory of God was revealed and how the shepards rejoiced, responded and believed. It really reminded me that I am someone who wasn't waiting for an angel to deliver the news to me - I know it already. But, at the smae point, I have not responded in joy and belief. I have rejected the Glory of the Lord for the sadness of the world. Now, don't get me wrong - the world is real, and the situations that we are enduring here are real. I know the sadness that I, and others, have suffered is real, but God's glory and His promise is just as real. Our faith is not just a bunch of doctrine, but it is something that should touch our hearts as much as it touches our minds, and in all honesty, I have not let my faith touch my heart or my mind.
The road ahead is long - there is pain and sadness, for certain. But there is also the road of my faith, a road that gives peace on earth. Hopefully, that road, will be the road that I choose to follow - the road that will lead me to my own Christmas experience.

a glimmer of the star

Just a quick post this morning to share a joyous "time out" that I experienced last evening. It was truly one of the first moments where the joy of Christ's birth took over my mind for even just a few moments. Katherine sang in last nite's Christmas service, and for just a few minutes I began to see her growth and maturity consume my heart to a point that the reality of Christmas overcame all the pain and frustration of this past week. It was a joy to see her sing so boldly and loudly in front of the congregation, and frankly, my heart was full of pride (a good pride, if there is such a thing) as many people noted her enthusiasm and joy as she sang about Christ's birth. The growth that she is experiencing evidenced itself just a little later, when as we were taking communion, she asked Julie about communion, and why she couldn't have any. It was at that point that I realized that she is growing up, and prayerfully, growing in the Spirit as well. I haven't come up with a good answer for her about the communion question, but the mere fact that she asked was a thrill - a chance for me to truly begin to share the Gospel and it's meaning with her.
Thank you Jesus for her heart and for that moment with her.

burning at both ends

It has been a week like no other that I have ever experienced, but I fear it is just the beginning of similar weeks in the near future. I spent most of my energy - physical, spiritual and emotional dealing with death. I saw the final chapter in the death of a little girl 10 days old, and I saw what I believe to be the first chapter in the last weeks and months of my mother's life - two very similar experiences coming from both ends of life.
Each of these circumstances were exhausting in their own way. For Meghan, it has been a long journey for Julie and I, trying to serve the family in anyway possible for the past few weeks. We watched Karen and Steve go through so many emotions, but yet tried to stay a little ahead of the emotional part of the circumstance so that we could help them with basic every day things - meals, childcare and so on. Yet, somehow when all of this ended this week, there was a chance to just stop and reflect on how God has worked in so many people's lives through this experience. It was something that I don't think we had really done as it was all happening.
The chance to stop and reflect was cut a little short as the medical situation with my mom took center stage as this week began. She had her biopsy on Monday, and was released from the hosptial awaiting results. Unfortunately, her time since she's come home has not been easy. Her medications have taken a toll on her physically, and taken probably an even greater toll on my Dad as he seeks to care for her in this phase.
I have truly tried to do what I can, but I find myself drained in every way possible, and the thoughts that have started as I witness her situation have tossed me into every emotional realm possible. My emotions have gone from guilt to sadness to denial to exhaustion. I struggle with the difficulties in our relationship, and yet, I see that unless she improves, those issues are ones that may not ever be confronted.

so this is Christmas

So many times, it's so easy for me to sit down and type out something to post - but this time, that's not the case. The weekend that has just come to a close has been one of the most difficult experiences that I have ever had, and frankly, there's no cute way or clever way to write about it, so I guess it's not worth even trying.
We have experienced much grief this past weekend. First, our friends who had twins delivered by emergency c-section 10 days ago, lost the little girl twin, Meghan. Meghan had not been expected to live, but that never makes the loss of a child any easier. Julie and I (mostly Julie) have spent time and energy attempting to show Christ's love to this family, and it just breaks our heart to see Karen and Steve lose this little one they loved so very much. This family's faithfulness to Christ throughout this entire process has been amazing. Their faith and trust in God has remained so strong, and Steve even said at one point that the thing to remember throughout this trial is that "Jesus wept", and that God, our Father, knows exactly what it's like to lose a child. Thinking of the sacrifice and the payment for our sin that Christ's death was, I truly believe that there can be no greater loss to any parent than the loss of a child. It is against the natural order when parents are left to mourn that loss, and we certainly share that loss and that pain with them.
As we were struggling through what we knew would be Meghan's final hours here on earth, we were also hit by another great shock. My mother has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and has been given a relatively short time to live. This came as a shock to everyone, and although people keep asking me how I'm feeling, I'm not sure whether it has sunk in or whether there's a long way to go til it really hits home. It has been a struggle to face the reality of what losing my Mom really means. My Dad will certainly struggle emotionally, but at the same time, I have seen the strength he has, and I know that that strength will carry him through much of it. Already, he and I have become closer - as we begin to realize that we will have to be their to support each other.
My mother and I have had a tulmultuous relationship for years and years, and I suspect that as time passes, I will struggle with a lot of unresolved feelings and issues with her. I know that even facing what she faces, it will be hard for us to come to a point in our relationship that all will be good. I will also struggle with the fact that I am uncertain at this point as to whether she has trusted Christ as her Savior. I was asked that by someone at church yesterday, and frankly, the question took on a whole different meaning. I pray that somehow, in the time she has left, the Lord will give me the strength I need to confront the issues I need to confront with her, and that the Lord will use someone, preferably not me, to share the Gospel, and work in her heart.
One thing the Lord has already spoken to me is that He is going to use this circumstance to work in my life. I have struggled much with commitment to His word and to prayer, and I wonder if this is the way that He will draw me back to Him. I know though and am comforted by the fact that He is working in my life and my heart through this.

"When through fiery trials your pathway shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be your supply;
The flame shall not hurt you; I only design
Your dross to consume and your gold to refine.

The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose,
I will not, I will not desert to his foes;
That soul THOUGH ALL HELL SHOULD ENDEAVOR TO SHAKE,
I'll never, no never, no never forsake."

I am sure that this will be a source of much of the entries that I jot down over the next few months.

looking for the light

Although it's only December 7, I've really been struggling getting into the holiday mode this year. It seems like Thanksgiving was years ago, and although I usually am the first to jump out of the gate to be ready for Christmas, it's been a very slow and almost taxing process this year. There has been a lot going on in our household, and somehow, Christmas is falling behind on the list of priorities. For me, that's a difficult thing. If there is anything that is important to me, it's being "into" Christmas from the morning of the Friday after Thanksgiving until the weekend after New Year's. The holidays are such an enjoyable, exciting time, but somehow, the real world is somehow clouding our holiday preparations.
People say that as Christians, we are not to be come consumed by the preparations of the holidays - that all the details of the shopping, decorating and socializing somehow take away from the focus of Christ at this time of year. In a sense, I agree, but in another sense, I completely disagree. To an extent, we as believers should be more consumed with the joy of Christmas than anyone else. Why - because we know the reason for all of the trimmings. If the trimmings get in the way of the reason - that's one thing, but if the trimmings come out of the reason - if they follow up our joy over Christ's birth, I think that we should delight in each part of the celebration. I guess that's the point where I have to look into my heart and determine why I'm so anxious to get into the Christmas spirit.

Bible Study observations

This past semester, I've been going to a Tuesday morning Bible study which focuses on I Peter. It's been an interesting study, and some of the things that were said this morning were very encouraging to me. Jon Medlock discussed the grafting of the Gentiles into the body of Christ, and he talked about how our salvation is a community event, not an individual event. What an encouraging thing to hear. It reaffirmed the work I'm doing as a deacon, and reminded me of God's presence as I deal with all of the insignificant struggles in my life. It also reminded me that as a member of the community, I need to be persistent in seeking out community for my spiritual growth.
Although I'm not complaining, the majority of the community work of my salvation has been on the behalf of others, and I've realized that this is a very important part of my salvation. It has been a blessing to me to see how some of our community has joined together to rally behind some families in our church who are struggling right now.
In the same sense, although I sometimes don't always understand or remember it, I do know in my heart, that God is concerned about my struggles as well. I've often been the first to minimize my struggles, and although the issues that I'm facing in my life are not nearly as severe as the issues that others are facing, they are issues - my issues. And in my heart, in my mind and in my life, they are significant. I struggle with feeling that I am an adequate provider and that I am working for a greater glory through my work. I struggle with wanting to work for the simple reason of rejoicing in the job I have, but working in an environment where that type of work ethic is for the weak and naive. It's a struggle to work for the glory of God and His kingdom when such motivation basically doesn't exist in my workplace.
I touch on the other issue that we discussed today - that salvation is a combination of thought and action - that we must believe and we must act on that belief. Frankly, I think I do better with the acting on the belief than I do on the actual believing. As I stated earlier, though I place my faith in Christ, my response to the struggles I have every day do not reflect that belief. They reflect a belief that I must be much more self-sustaining because God has so many "bigger" issues and concerns with others around the world. How could He have time for my pathetic little concerns when there are people dying and others with babies who are dying?
That is the point of my unbelief.

falling leaves

I talked a couple weeks ago about turning over a new leaf, but somehow that leaf I have turned over has fallen off of the tree - as so many others have already this fall. I have really not been faithful in blogging lately. Partially because I don't really feel interested in writing a blog that is basically nothing but thinking out loud for myself, and pretty much no one else, but I also haven't been too focused on writing in my blog because right now, my life and it's little issues have taken on some real insignificance.
In the past few weeks, my work as a deacon has taken on a life of it's own, and it is mostly because of some difficult things that some people around me have been going through. There are several people in our church who have been enduring some real trials in their lives - cancer scares, difficult pregnancies and little babies who may not make it through the days ahead. These are just some of the issues that some people in our church have become involved in. As a deacon, somehow a chunk of the caring and keeping up with the status of these things has fallen on my shoulders, and it's been quite consuming, both time-wise and emotionally. It has really been a challenge for me to learn how to minister to these people and to keep others in our congregation advised of how they're doing. And, it's been a blessing. I have felt true joy in just being there and being a person TRYING to point those others to Christ.
The problem (or the blessing) with all of this, is that it has left little, if any time for the struggles that I'm dealing with. It has also left me with very little energy to deal with those things as well. Now, don't get me wrong, I do see that moving outside of myself is truly what ministering to others is all about, but at the same time, I feel that I've really been unable to minister to myself. I just feel like that there are times that I really need to process the little things as well, but I feel so stupid wanting, or needing, to put energy into my issues. What are those issues, you ask? Well, things like our Christmas tree not drinking water, bedtime issues of various natures with our girls and dealing with the realities of having a government job - whether it's the promotions, salary or general frustrations. I know that God promises to help us to deal with those things, but I'm kind of at a time when I'm wondering if He has the time or energy to deal with my little problems, when He is also dealing with and controlling all of the big issues in the world - even those issues that are bigger than the big issues my friends are facing.
Christmas is definitely getting off to a weird start, and facing these struggles in other people's lives and my own life although I do find myself praying for guidance, whether these things are still driving me towards that Christmas manger is something that remains to be seen.

turning over another leaf

It was quite a Sunday at Covenant Church, and although I've desired to use this blog to share my thoughts on Sunday sermons, I thought it also appropriate to share a few words about the excitment going on at our church, and the impact that some of it has had on me personally.
Our church has been without a senior pastor for about 17 months, and today, Ryan Laughlin, visited and preached in anticipation of being called to that position in the next couple weeks. It was an exciting morning and frankly, the electricity in the air at Covenant this morning was quite something. It was wonderful to see the high interest level and the high attendance level at church - something that we haven't probably really felt in quite some time. It made me wonder though, how real this process is. We had a crowd at the 8:30 service, the likes of haven't been in a long time, and it seemed that everyone, the choir, the ushers, everyone was on their best behavior. It all made me wonder how real this whole process really is. It felt like one feels when you are little and company comes over for Sunday dinner. The fine china is out, the children are on their best behavior and in their finest clothes. But the question is, is that how a long-term relationship - like the one needed between a pastor and congregation - really is started? It just seems that it wasn't quite real.
Ryan's sermon moved me deeply though. He spoke about the passage of Zaccheus, and how the story of Zaccheus is really the story of Christ's inviation to each of us. He spoke of how our relationship with Christ is often like a game of Marco Polo - the famed hide-and-go-seek game in the swimming pool. Ryan stated that although our relationship may often seem like us reaching out, trying to find Christ with our eyes close, the reality of that relationship is Christ reaching out and us running away. This truly convicted me, and I continue to realize and am drawn in by the thoughts of the necessity of a closer relationship with Christ at this point in my life.
it has been a lot of the realization of the potential leadership that I am about to embark on at Covenant that has caused me to be challenged as to the depth and desire of my Christian walk, and to hear the example today of our running away from Christ makes me realize that I am truly in that problem as well as others. Often, throughout the days, I realize that I could draw myself closer to Christ through prayer or Bible reading, yet for no apparent reason, I run the other way, finding other things to do with my time. I realize that as a leader (although it's not a good reason for doing it), I may be called upon to respond to the needs of others more frequently. If it truly is my desire to assist others with those needs, I need to be prepared - mentally, physically and spiritually.
All of this sounds good, and all of this has probably been in my thought pattern before, but to hear a preacher, who doesn't know the first thing about me, speak to me through his message today, makes me realize the call to take action is coming from Christ, not from some delusion inside me. What I do to respond is another question - will it be the same as before? To some extent, probably yes. But hopefully, it will also be a wake-up call that uses my desire to lead well that draws me to serve Christ well also.

the rubble

Well, the election results were, for the most part, a big dissappointment. I really wanted to stay in bed this morning, but I realized that it would be pretty much impossible since I haven't banked up two years worth of sick time and vacation. I think that the most dissappointing and telling result was that of our stem-cell intiative here in Missouri. The reason that was more discouraging than the Democratic reboud was because there is much more of a moral and ethical element to the stem-cell debate than to any other debate that may occurr in the halls of Congress.
The fact that the people of Missouri have succumbed to the lies of the scientific community really causes some despair. As much as I want to believe that somehow science will provide our society with cures for many diseases that harm us now, I wonder whether, at the very core level, if we should even be looking for those cures. I often struggle with agreeing with the premise that we should find cures. Our world is based on sin, and because of that sin, God promised that our days would be numbered. I know that disease is also a result of sin, and I know that God has given us the wisdom and knowledge for cures of diseases. So where does that put our attempts to cure something that is a result of our own depravity - a disease that has existed almost as long as people themselves - a disease that no type of stem cell or medication will ever cure - sin.
Beyond the connection between science and spirituality, there comes a question of why we are trying to cure these diseases. Are we curing these diseases to glorify God? to rejoice and use the knowledge that we are given by Him? Or, are we attempting to make these strides for the glory of nothing but ourselves and our "advanced" society? Someone pointed out to me that thousands of years ago, people developed the technology and understanding of how to build buildings, and they then attempted to use that technology to build a tower in Babel. The result of that was not accomplishment, it was the destruction of a people and God rearranging society in a way that would prevent people from reaching Him. We've got the technology, or so it's been claimed. So, as we start to use that technology, are we destined to cause our society to implode just like Babel?
Finally, along the same lines of wondering why we seek these cures, comes the question of our value of life and death? Do we value our lives so greatly that we would do ANYTHING as a society to prevent death? And in attempting to prevent death, are we forgetting what glorious and wonderful things await us when we go home? It appears that our world, of course, has forgotten what will be waiting for us then, and perhaps when you look at it that way - what is waiting for some people is a whole lot worse than death. But as Christians, we forget that death is a good thing. I am certainly guilty of that - as the mere fact of turning 40 next year frightens me. We are not just in the world now, we are part of the world - a part of the world that treasures and holds on to life, and the stuff that comes along with it, so tightly, that we forget that there is so much better shead. Our desire to prolong that life, to put off our going home to Christ, is so great, that we are willing to sacrifice our ethics as a society to prevent that end. Perhaps if we suffered more in life, the thought of glory would be that much sweeter.

the real battle

One of the things that I've wanted to do in the past couple months, but that I haven't found the time to do, is to use my blog for posting my thoughts on sermons I hear each week. I think it will challenge me not only to listen better, but to go back and consider the applications of them as I go through the subsequent weeks and months.
Today's sermon was focused on the battle that rages in our world every day. It's a battle that shows itself in many ways, and through many different vessels, but the battle itself is a spiritual battle - the most basic between good and evil. We may see the battle as the battle that we face tomorrow - a political battle. It can be a battle that I sometimes feel I fight at work - a battle to justify my job and the things I do every tday.
The important thing though, is to see the battle for what it is - a battle for our souls and for the souls of those around us. Many in the battle have already surrendered to one side or the other, but their are others who are struggling still between the two sides. Those people need prayer and encouragement. We as Christians appear to have made a decision in the battle - choosing Christ, but the fact of the matter is - even with that decision having been made, the battle lines can be even closer to the forefront. I certainly have seen in my life, where because I am a Christian, I fight battles that those who aren't believers don't even know exist. Sin and temptation are so different for me as a believer. I look at my life, and see struggles with sin in things such as gossip, not loving my family or co-workers as I should, or not committing myself to regular time of reading Scripture. To someone who isn't a beliver, those aren't battles at all, so the battle is a different one for each person.
The thing that I gleaned out of the sermon though, was that despite what battles and how strongly they are being fought, the grace of Christ overcomes those battles, and frankly, if we don't trust that He will, we belittle His work and His power. That was something that struck me quite clearly. I realize how in my life, so many day to day battles are battles that I choose to fight on my own. I don't think that Christ has time for my work struggles or my frustrations with my children at bedtime. Those are things that I need to work through - NOT! I need to trust in Christ's work and strength for those battles as well, and I need to look for guidance in prayer and Scripture to use His strength to get me through the "little" battles each and every day.

28 days (later)

It's been just about 28 days since I've last blogged, and I really can't explain the delay. The only thing that I can explain is that after a week or so, my mind was filled with so many things to discuss, I just gave up. I found that I had so many ideas, thoughts, emotions and experiences that I wanted to share, that there was no way I could do it in one entry - so I just didn't blog. Now, I'm back - there's still a lot on the table, but I figure I've got to start somewhere.
Perhaps the four or five main things that have occupied my mind in the past few weeks are some changes in my faith, my general observations on the heated political climate as the elections grow close, the Cardinals winning the World Series and some frustrations in my personal world. I'm sure if I spent enough energy, I could combine most of them into a single thought progression, but my head, and the heads of the two or three serious readers that I do have, might explode.
For me personally, I think the most significant thing that has gone on, besides the fact that I turned 39 a few weeks ago, is that I have really been convicted about my lack of commitment to Christ. Not that my faith is fragile, but I've been convicted that in order for me to grow, as I should want to grow, in my faith, I need to truly commit more time and energy to learning about Christ through His word. I have had numerous occaisions in the past few months where I have realized that in order for my witness to be more effective to some around me, I need to have a better command and grasp of the Bible. It's not that my faith or my salvation is dependant on this, it's just that I've realized that I am in a leadership position at Covenant, and for my leadership, and for God's work through my leadership to be more effective, I need to have a better grasp of the Scriptures. I guess when it boils down to it, the grasp of Scripture is the thing that will offer me a better grasp on all of the other things that are going on in my life, and in the lives of those around me.
We'll see how it goes.

how big is God?

I have been quite captivated by the sad story of the tragedy in the Pennsylvania Amish community this week. The story itself is horrific and terrifying, especially to a parent of two (3!) children, the oldest of which is just a year away from going to school every day. In addition to the three nationally covered school tragedies in the past few weeks, a local Christian school associated with our church was also the scene of a shooting. Although this did not involve any students, except the one who came to the campus after the school day was over with a weapon, it has made me realize the potential for sin to attack my family at every and any turn.
In the case of the shooting in Pennsylvania, I have been more drawn in by the whole Amish community, and their amazing response to the way their lives have been torn apart by the very world from which they distance themselves. The stories coming out of Pennsylvania in which the families are forgiving the killer, and reminding each of us that we should not approach him with more disgust that we should probably approach the sin that is in each of us. It seems that this is forgiveness beyond any human capability, and beyond what we should honestly be willing to give out. But, we are reminded of how much we must forgive those who sin against us.
On the other side of the "God" factor in this story is the anger that the killer had for God after the premature death of his child 20 years ago. In no way do I say this to justify what he did. His actions were terrible and horrific, and a man that is that far gone is probably better dead, for his own benefit and society's benefit. But it does remind me of the anger and hurt that I have felt when we lost our children. I certainly can relate how that anger, and that result of sin can also tear at a man's heart.
I am not quite sure how God all fits together in this - on one side, there is a God that is so big, that His Spirit allows these simple, Christ-driven people to forgive such an evil action. On the other side, because of sin, there is a man driven by anger and hatred towards God to commit such a evil act.
It is really interesting, because I think this story brings the world back to a very basic fact - that God and our desire to worship God is at the center of everything and anything that goes on in our world. Our desire to worship can either drive us to a point where we are so angered and hurt, that we refuse to worship, or our desire to worship can drive us to a point where our love for God and our worship of Him is so complete, that we can forgive incredible evil.
To me, that makes God a pretty big God.

we're loyal to you Illinois....

You know, anymore, the opportunity for me, as a University of Illinois graduate, to write a up-beat, positive blog during football season is pretty rare. So in honor of my Fighting Illini overcoming the 26 point spread and beat a Big 10 team on the road, I want to share this clip. Honestly, I can't quite make sense of what is happening here, but it follows an attempt by the Illinois team to "plant their flag" on the MSU football field. Sounds pretty stupid, but you know, I wasn't the brightest bulb in the box during my college years either.
Anyways, if you're Illini fan - enjoy. If you're an MSU fan - sorry, but it's been a few years since we've beaten you. To every season, turn, turn, turn....

farther up and further in

I find it quite ironic, or I guess, quite providential how things in my life have been progressing lately. The bottom line of life for the past six months is the frustrations and annoyances that I have suffered on a regular basis at work. I have found that my work, as much as I love it, is the source of a lot of my stress. The people and circumstances at my office have become increasingly annoying, and I have felt increasingly distanced from everything there. I still love what I do, and I still believe that what I do is my true vocational calling, but the circumstances in which I have carried out that calling are not enjoyable.
To that end, I have found my time with my family increasingly enjoyable. Having the opportunity to spend the time at home with the girls for four days straight, although exhausting, was a real joy. I feel that time together deepended and strengthened that bond, and I am reaping the benefits of that every day now when I come home from work.
Then... from nowhere has come the most recent surprise, an increased sense of calling to be involved in the ministries of my church. I have been a deacon at Covenant Church for two years now, and recently, it has become apparent that my level of commitment and involvement is potentially on the verge of becoming much deeper and much stronger. It is an opportunity that excites me, but surprises me at the same time. I have received much praise and positive response from the work I've done - work that I've felt that I've only done to a standard, acceptable level, but in the eyes of others, work that has truly been guided and blessed by God.
It's hard for me to accept the compliments I've received, and I always struggle, as a reformed Presbyterian, with balancing accepting compliments and giving the glory to God.
I so want to be proud, but I know that pride is a terribly sad state of mind. How do you balance the two? How do you give the glory to God for working through you in a way that His glory shows out from you to others? I don't understand how to do that - how that everyone outside sees Him, not you. And... is it terribly wrong that they do see you (me) when I'm the vessel?
To add to the blessing of my work, Julie has also become more involved and become drawn more into the inner workings of the women's ministries at our church. It's weird to sense this concept that we are becoming this intrinsic part of the inner-workings of our congregation. It is exciting, yet terrifying at the same time. To feel that we are holding ourselves out even more as faithful followers of Christ - while we sometimes don't feel that we are those same faithful followers on a daily basis.
In any sense, the work that I've been doing has been a blessing, because it's been an encouragement to me - a source of validation that God is able to work through me and through the things I do, despite the obstacles I face every day. Still, the obstacles exist. Even today, confrontation with others in my office can be a frustrating experience, and bring me right back down to earth.
I know that we are not supposed to focus on the temporary struggle - we discussed it this week in our Peter Bible Study, but the fact is that the temporary struggles are what is real from day to day, not the yet-to-come glory.

John Bauer, J.D., "Daddy"

I'm taking a real risk posting this post because by writing it, I am confessing my weaknesses and swallowing a CHUNK of pride.
This past weekend, Julie went for a 4 day trip to a Women's church conference in Atlanta. In some ways, it was hard for me to be encouraging to her about going, but I knew that any reason that I would disagree about the trip would be purely and totally self-centered. And, in a way, I figured it would be a good opportunity for me to grow as a father to two girls. And, grow I did.....
I've experienced a lot of emtions in my four days at home. I've found myself understanding some of what Julie tries to explain to me as far as her emotions and experiences as a stay at home mom. I've found that I am definitely not cut out for the stay-at-home experience full time, and I've realized, that in so many different ways, God has created Julie in a way that is perfect for staying at home. I've realized that if my wife were as anal, up tight and obsessive compulsive as I am, that our children would already be destined for a life of being totally neurotic. I've realized that I am more of a perfectionist and that I would probably spend 1/2 of my time at home doing nothing but being frustrated over what I wasn't getting done - and not focusing on what I have accomplished.
I am reminded of a blog by a friend of mine where he discussed the fact that we are called as Christian parents to build believing, faithful children, not always to mold our children into what we wish we could be, and realize at our age that we will never be. It is a challenge, when you are the only parent, to keep that focus.
On the other side, I realize how I've been blessed by this time with my daughters, and in a twisted, self-punishing way, I will miss the last four days. I was blessed by the fact I had nothing better to accomplish than to allow my two daughters round-the-clock access to me as a place to pile drive and run around. I had nothing better to do than spend 1 hour every day reading books with Katherine while Elizabeth napped in the afternoon. I had nothing better to do than to encourage them as they built their strength and confidence on the playground. And in return, the only form of payment I received was the incessant hugs and laughter of my youngest daughter and the fact that every morning I was home, my daughter specifically came into my room and said "I want to give you a big squeeze". In addition, I was able to see how my daughters are growing. I was able to see how Elizabeth has mastered coming down the stairs on her own, and Katherine has grown in her faith and love for Christ to a point where she can begin to quote Scripture, and I believe I begin to see the glimmer of understanding of what she is saying. It is a blessed thing - and the biggest joy I had this weekend was being called "Daddy".

try to remember

Try to remember the kind of September
When life was slow and oh, so mellow.
Try to remember the kind of September
When grass was green and grain was yellow.
Try to remember the kind of September
When you were a tender and callow fellow.
Try to remember, and if you remember,
Then follow.

Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow,
Follow, follow, follow, follow.

Try to remember when life was so tender
That no one wept except the willow.
Try to remember when life was so tender
That dreams were kept beside your pillow.
Try to remember when life was so tender
That love was an ember about to billow.
Try to remember, and if you remember,
Then follow.

Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow,
Follow, follow, follow, follow.

Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow,
Follow, follow, follow, follow.

Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow,
Follow, follow, follow, follow.

Deep in December, it's nice to remember,
Although you know the snow will follow.
Deep in December, it's nice to remember,
Without a hurt the heart is hollow.
Deep in December, it's nice to remember,
The fire of September that made us mellow.
Deep in December, our hearts should remember
And follow.

It's hard to believe that it's been five years since Sept. 10. Yes, that's right - Sept. 10. The reason I say that day, and not Sept. 11, is because Sept. 10 was the last day that I think the world remmbered the kind of September that is mentioned in the song from the Fantasticks. Ever since Sept. 11, we have not had that kind of day, and so it's an interesting way to think about this anniversary that is commemerated today.
Sept. 10, for all I can remember, was probably much like any other September day. It was a Monday, and I'm sure that it was like any other Monday close to the beginning of a school year. It was also the first full week of work in September - Labor Day having been the week before. My guess is many people rolled over in bed a couple extra times, wishing it was till the weekend, and dreading the fact that there were five work/school days in the week. I don't remember exactly what it was like for me. My wife still was working, so I suspect September 10 involved the usual shuffle for both of us to get ready and get out the door.
I wish I did remember more about September 10. I wish I remembered how I felt that morning. I wish I remembered whether I felt more confident in the world around me.
But, I also wish I remembered more of how I felt on September 11 also.....
I think I have a regret in my life that I never actually heard the initial reports about the two first planes. I do remember that I was on my way to work, and for whatever reason, I didn't have my radio on - whether I was listening to loud music, as I often do on my morning drives, or whether I had just decided to drive to work wihtout any noise - I don't remember.
I wish I remembered more of how I felt when I first heard the news. I wish I remembered how I felt as the news reports came trickling in, and I realized, along with the rest of the world, what was happening to us that day.
There are a few pieces of memory I do have. I do remember wondering "What's going to happen next"? I just knew that more could be coming, and I wondered, in the light of this new world and these new emotions of fear and sadness, what "next" meant.
I do remember the concern my wife and I had when we realized Julie's mom was in D.C. and was possibly at the Pentagon, and I remember trying to talk with Julie and figure out how we were going to find out whether she was OK. I do remember praying in chruch that evening, and I do remember the hymn we sang with voices cracking with tears:

O GOD OUR HELP IN AGES PAST
O God, our help in ages past,
our hope for years to come,
our shelter from the stormy blast,
and our eternal home.

Under the shadow of thy throne,
still may we dwell secure;
sufficient is thine arm alone,
and our defense is sure.

There are some things about September 11, 2001 that I do remember, but I feel that now, a mere five years later, I don't remember enough. I don't remember the sting that I felt that day. I don't remember the pain and the tears as strongly as I feel as though I should remember them. I don't remember the way that I, and so many others, were driven to the core of our faith because we thought the very world we were living in was truly ending. There has been a lot of talk over the last 5 years about remembering what happened that day, and there is truly a political aspect of the lack of rememberance. We were bound together as a country and as faithful in God, because many of us felt, like we never had before, that there was nothing in this world that could protect us and bind us together as our faith could. Today, I think a lot of people don't remember. We don't remember what our cause is - not only our political cause and directive, but our spiritual cause. We are called today, just as we were 5 years ago, to turn our eyes onto Christ, and we have not remembered that calling.
It hurts to think about that day, but it doesn't hurt enough. And the hurt that I describe is certainly a lame excuse for hurt compared to so many others that lost so much more, and dug so much deeper than I did.
Hopefully, we will all pause to remember, but also, we will all recall what a great God we have - that He brought us back from that low day. Perhaps we can all remember Him.

perfect in every way

I haven't really talked about the fact that Julie and I are expecting our third child very much. If this blog would have occurred when we were expecting Katherine, our first, I suspect it would've been the topic of many entries. Anyways, after yesterday, I figured it was a good chance to do just that.
We had our "big" ultrasound yesterday - the one when we could have found out whether we are having a boy or a girl. Much to Julie's consternation, we didn't find out... but that's another blog entry.
What amazed me yesterday was the commentary of the lady who was conducting the ultrasound. In the past, we had Mary - a sweet lady who was just kind of entertaining and comforting, but the lady who administered the ultrasound yesterday was more scientific in her analysis, but in a way, it was what Julie and I needed. As she viewed the various pictures of the baby, she would comment on what we were seeing, and almost every time, she would make some comment like "perfect size", "perfectly formed" or "developing perfectly". As she went through so many things - the bones, the kidneys, the four chambers of the heart, each lobe of the brain, and on and on, I began to realize how many things could be wrong with a baby. I realized how amazing it all is that these things form perfectly.
I also realized how blessed we were to have three beautifully, perfectly formed children. It is amazing what happens when a child forms, and when you really think about it, it is shocking how many things can go wrong during that growth. It makes me realized to see that God has blessed us two (almost three) times with this amazing handiwork.
This certainly isn't saying anything against special needs children, and I certainly see how God's work is alive and well in their lives as well, but to realize the many things that could happen, the difficulties that could occur as a child forms in its' mother's womb, makes me see God's hand clearly at work in our three children.

hollow victory

Editing note - this entry was started on Aug. 29, but added to on Sept. 3 and 4. I had a preliminary hearing on a case today that involved a young man being killed because the driver of the vehicle was drunk and crashed into another car. I won the hearing, but I have to admit, the victory was not sweet. I walked out of the courtroom, knowing that if this case went to trial, I would be used as a floor mop for the courthouse steps in the process. What was worse, I knew that the defense attorney knew the same thing.
There are so many different aspects of this situation that leave me cold. Of course, the first is the dissappointment that I suffered in seeing my case - this disaster in motion - unfold before me. I felt somewhat confident in the ability of my witnesses, but they basically self-destructed on cross-examination. I felt that somehow I hadn't done all I could, but at the same time, I knew that I had attempted to prepare them.
I also felt terrible because of the fact that the defense attorney, in his glib manner, knew how successful he had been in destroying my case. You see, the defense attorney I dealt with today is a nice guy, but he is the perfect example of what people think of when they think of a "slimy" defense attorney. He's not totally evil, but he's so good, and he knows he's so good, that seeing my case crumble was so humiliating. Before the hearing, I was talking with him, and I'm sure he even knew then what his tactic was to destroy my witnesses, but he chatted with me like he was just wanting to get in and out of the court room as quickly as possible. But, when the hearing itself started, he took his sweet time pulling the rug of credibility out from under each witnesses feet.
I know that I take these cases very personally, and I know that caring, as I do, sets me up for disappointment and heartache when things don't go the way I think they should. It's hard to face that day in and day out in my office when I don't feel that it's the norm for people with whom I work. It hurts and my pride and my enthusiasm often take very direct hits.
9/4/06 - That's where I was with this situation a few days ago, and in some ways, I'm at the same point now. The pain is a little easier to take, but the deep feelings about my cases and wanting to have success here and there still exist.
It's amazing, though, how God works through these situations and how God brings the right messages to your heart at the tright time. That was very clear to me this past Sunday as Sean Lucas and John Roberts preached at Covenant Church about trials and about God working through those trials. It was also very convicting to me that when these trials come, I need to look outside myself. It is not all about me (maybe some day I'll really understand that). Trials come to grow us, but they ultimately come so that we realize who were are being grown by - God, and so that we can glorify him and understand that He is drawing us closer to Him and making us more like Him.
Since my initial entry on this, I've gone through the frustration period, but the frustration has lessened and I have "moved on" and realized that there is a calling here, still. I believe with most of my heart, that God is calling me to the work I have, but it's often difficult to see that through my frustration and annoyance with others' response to my work.

small as a mustard seed

My post today is an interesting combination, a combination of some personal experiences and a thought provoking article I found on the web.
As to my experiences, today I awoke with just a burst of energy. I'm not quite sure where it's come from, but in the past few weeks, I have begun to exercise in earnest again and, interestingly enough, I have found time on the days I walk/run outside to spend time in prayer. I think I mentioned that fact before - that there was a connection between the two when I quit doing both, and I'm encouraged to see a tiny connection between the two as I begin to do both again. It caused me to ponder the minimal time I spend in prayer and in the Word, but it also cause me to be somewhat encouraged that just because it's not a priority right now, that doesn't automatically mean that it won't always be a priority.
In somewhat of a connected thought, I stumbled across an article and related video report from the New York Times today about a school in NY that shcools Muslim boys in nothing but memorization of the Koran for 7-9 hours a day. Although many of the posts in response to the article were about whether it would cause these boys to become terrorists, I thought it was interesting to wonder whether the New York Times would cover the piece in the same "human interest" fashion if there was a Christian school that encourage boys only to spend 7-9 hours studying the Bible, and eliminating all teaching of any basic subjects. It is an interesting way to see the media almost makes this sound like positive thing in this case - how the family and the school is focusing their efforts on rearing solid Muslim citizens (this is probably where those who believe that the concern could be that they're raising solid Muslim "terrorist" instead). In addition, in the video, several comments by the mother of a boy who attends the school focus on the fact that she is committed to passing on her faith and encouraging that her children grow stronger in their faith than the generation before. What a concept, and what a challenge!!
Do we, as Christian parents, do the same? Do we pray that our children would grow in their faith more than their sinful parents? Do we encourage them from the very beginning, even before they can understand what they're learning, to grasp the essential beliefs in their head, so that as they grow and as their knowledge grows, that their faith will be come all the more real to them, each and every day? It presents a real challenge to Christian parents.
Finally, a comment made by the 10 year old boy in the video, states that he already believes that the Koran is not just a book for Muslims, but a book for all mankind, really struck a chord with me. Do we believe as Christians and do we act as though we believe that the Bible is a book not just for Christians, but a book for all mankind - a Truth for all mankind? If we don't stare these questions in the face and force ourselves to answer them, I fear that the little 10 year old boy who is learning the Koran will be come a strong leader one day, and perhaps another little 10 year old boy or girl who is being raised in a Christian home won't have the answers to show that little Muslim boy that the Christian faith and the Bible, not the Koran, are the answers to the questions he seeks.

can't have it both ways....

OK, so all of a sudden, I'm "Mr. Politico" on the blog. Sure, up to last week, I've discussed nothing but me, but hey - it's my blog - deal with it!
Anyways, I find it interesting that as the Iranians and Syrians claim a huge victory, we read the fact that there is very little information on the devestation in Israel, but the people of Lebanon have been trampled. Where is the victory? How can you have victory without devestating your enemy?
In the midst of all of this celebration by Iran, apparently they've established their own foreign press, which is now headed by Mike Wallace, formerly of the American CBS company. Although I didn't personally see the interview, most accounts are quite scathing, which means it must have been really, really bad. All articles I've read basically claim that Wallace gave Ahmadinejad a free pass to espouse his anti-semetic views, and even chimed in, referred to Israel as a "Zionist state". To me, that sounds strangely like comments made a couple weeks ago by a drunk guy who's been disowned by half of Hollywood!
Anyways, food for thought to consider where our media is actually at.

politics as usual.....

Once again, the electoral process in this country continues to surprise and amaze me. Six years ago, when my home state of Missouri elected Mel Carnahan, a dead man, to the senate, I truly thought that we had seen the weirdest thing possible. Of course, that was the same year that Hillary Clinton, a first lady, was elected to represent a state that she'd never lived in in the U.S. Senate, and the same year when, as the ACLU claims, Al Gore was elected President. THEN.... four years later, Ohio was the focus of everyone's interest, and although there weren't too many hanging chads, a Frenchman, John Kerry, almost became president.
Now, only two years later, things get even more intriguing. Joe Liberman, the Democratic who, again according to the ACLU, was the new vice president, was dissed by his own party and lost in his primary election for the Senate. It is amazing to watch the Democratic party jump ship quickly, treating Liberman like a right-wing conservative instead of one of the few Democrats with a mildly balanced head. Instead, it appears that the candidate who is supported by moveon.org, Cindy Sheehan and everyone else who's slighly left of Castro, is the candidate that represents the interests of the New Democratic Party. Oh, if I could move to Connecticut so that I could join the Republicans for Lieberman campagin!!!
Anyways, in spite of all of the weirdness that's going on, it's good to see that some bloggers don't take all politics too seriously. Since we already have elected politicians, who are barely real people, why not consider electing people who aren't real in the first place. This would be the perfect combination of relaity and fiction!!!!

intertwined

I will confess, that in many ways, I am a very selfish and somewhat self-centered person. And, when things happen to other people around me, but the first think I look at is how those things affect me - even before I look at how those things affect others around me. To me, that is the epitome of selfishness, but it's who I am - a selfish sinner.
Here's the story.... a guy in my office ran for judge in yesterday's election, and he won. He's a Christian man who, I believe, has always had nothing but God's wisdom and calling at the forefront of his mind. God has blessed him - after a prior attempt which resulted in a loss, he won handily in the election, and hopefully, will take the bench soon. So how does that impact me? It impacts me this way - he's a higher level employee, and the fact that he's leaving will create an opening, which could result in a promotion for me. Sounds good so far? Well, that's only the good part. You see, the bad part is, to even arrive at the point where the promotion is possible, I have to confront my boos. I have to do that, because I've been passed over for a couple promotions, and I really believe that I need to know why (OK, even typing that is hard. It's so humbling, and hard to admit to on paper). My boss is one of the worst people in the world when it comes to human interaction, and talking with him is right up there with a root canal, without novacaine!
So, when the guy from my office wins the election, my first thought is - YUCK! Now I have to ponder and consider doing something that is unpleasant. Even though I supported the guy's campagin, my life would be easier if he'd lost - hence we arrive at the point of my self-centered attitudes.
It stinks being sinful. And it stinks even more when my sin gets in the way of the joy and happiness that I should have for others. It reminds me how my life is intertwined with so many other lives, and how God teaches me and convicts me through what happens, not only to me, but so many people around me.

where's the passion

I'm probably going to be mocked until the end of time for the source and motivation of this entry, but I guess that I need to be secure enough in what I believe to realize that the source of the entry is not the issue here - it's the issue behind that source.
Last week on "The View", there was a very heated discussion over the morning-after pill. Now, let me clarify.... I DO NOT WATCH "THE VIEW". I stumbled onto this clip from the newest "hip" place on the web - Youtube.com. It's quite a site, but perhaps I'll delve into that at a later time.
As I watched the clip and watched the discussion ensue, one comment that was made struck me even more than what the whole conversation was about. The comment was made that it is important that when controversial topics arise, that our society be willing to sit down and hear out both sides of the arguement. Barbara Walters said that we shouldn't get worked up or passionate about our beliefs. That, more than anything else said, struck me as a terrible condemnation on where our society is headed. To think that we should begin to work towards calm, cool and collected dialogue on issues, but eliminate the passion with which we hold the beliefs were trying to share scares me to death.
I believe that without passion, we begin to lose an aspect of our humanity. One of the great gifts that we have been given by God is the ability to hold beliefs and share beliefs with conviction. God tells us that our faith in Christ must permeate every aspect of our life, that it must be the reason for everything we do. He tells us to be ready with the answer of why we do what we do. How can such beliefs, such answers, such a faith be void of passion?
Another thing that was conveyed was the concept that we should be almost universalist in our responses to others. We should be able to dialogue and accept the points of view that everyone else has. This, too, is a scary concept, and a concept that requires an incredible balance of mind. We somehow have to love those around us, despite their beliefs and lifestyles, yet we are also called to be "salt and light", showing others around us, believers and unbelievers, the truth of the Gospel, and the fact that our belief in the Gospel passionately explains all of our other beliefs as well.
Removing passion removes humanity, and I pray that I'm never without passion in all I believe.
DATELINE 8/11/06 - I apologize for the link at the top of my blog. For some reason, the video was removed from Youtube.com at some point after I posted the original post.

lethal weapon

Although I haven't read much more than the initial articles that appeared immediately after Mel Gibson's arrest, I have become amused and entertained by the "public outcry" in the wake of Mel Gibson's DWI arrest last weekend. As a person who spends hour upon hour reviewing police reports of people who make stupid, arrogant and vile remarks while they're intoxicated, I've found it incredibly humorous how the media has responded to the comments Gibson made when he was arrested. I certainly don't condone them and I certainly don't agree with the tone of the comments, but for Hollywood and the "drive-by" media to crucify Gibson because of things he said while he was intoxicated is ludicrous.
I, myself, spent time intoxicated in college. I used to go to O'Malley's, a bar a mere 1/4 mile from my apartment at the University of Illinois. Quarter beers was a regular special, and even with that cheap price, I couldn't calculate the hundreds of dollars that I spent there. I have no doubt that I uttered some stupid things in a drunken stupor on an occaision or two.
The difference between my drunken brawl, and the drunken stupor that Mel was in last weekend is not so much the fact that he uttered anti-Semetic comments, but the fact that after he got plowed, he jumped in a loaded missle and drove 90 mph. Somehow, the fact that he put innocent lives at stake has been completely overlooked by the fact that he made a couple of drunken comments that offend a sector of our society. Where is the anguish and dissappointment over the fact that any number of lives were in jeopordy because he drank and drove?
This column from LA Weekly does an excellent job clarifying those two contradictory issues.
the final thing is that above and beyond the comments, above and beyond the crime, there is a person here - a person who is a confessed addict. I don't believe this is the first time that we've seen addiction in Holloywood, and it's not the first time we've seen the addict do the brave thing of confessing a relapse. One only needs look back a little ways to see example of Robert Downey, Jr. to see another high-profile addict. In Downey's case, there certainly seemed to be an outpouring of support and encouragement, but because of the comments made while Gibson was under the influence, people have become vicdictive - vowing never to work with Gibson.
Where is the greater evil here? Are the drunken comments made a greater evil than the actions of Gibson? Or, is the greater evil the fact that we, as a people, are unable to look beyond both, and find another person, struggling with sin, and somehow, in our menial way, support and encourage him so that this all doesn't happen again?

weathering the storms

It's been just over a week here in St. Louis since we experienced a wacky week of weather. We had high temps over 100 for a couple days with heat indices of 110+. In the midst of it all, we had two storms within 36-48 hours that put more than 500,000 in the dark. The amazing thing was that as the story was covered in the media, there were two, very different ways the story was covered. The first was how people banded together and helped each other out while they experienced long periods of power outages (actually, a few thousand are still out 9 days later). The other angle that most of the media took to quickly was how the electric company had failed the public by not getting the power restored more quickly. It has gone to the extent that now, the Missouri Public Service Commission has initiated an investigation.
Now, granted, I am speaking from the perspective of someone who experienced no power loss. The only way the whole situation affected me was that the power at my office went out and we had to leave work at noon last Friday (Gee, there's experiencing natural disaster!). I just find it very annoying that we, as a society, always need to find someone else to blame. I understand that 9-10 days without electricity would be incredibly frustrating, but why do we need to find someone else to blame? Why can't people accept that from time to time, things are going to happen that are beyond anyone's control? Why can't people simply accept the situation as it happens, WITHOUT casting stones on other people? The victim mentality of our society is very frustrating.
Even if we were to find out that somehow, the power company was slow in their response, what is that going to do? That fact isn't going to bring back all the spoiled food and missed appointments. It's simply going to offer people the ability to complain harder the next time their power goes out.
In my view, this is similar, on a much smaller scale, to the response that so many people had after Katrina last year. While I certainly don't try to minimize the destruction, death and disaster that was suffered in the wake of that hurricane, but so much blame was put on the various government officials, that it seems the concept of personal responsibility and preparation is completely taken away. It seems, in today's world, that when something bad happens, it's nobody's own responsibility to make the best of the situation or to try and make do with where things are at. Instead, we just talk to the media and get them to help us foster the need we have to blame others.

a law with me in mind

I was reading through the web this morning, and stumbled upon this "interesting" article. Clearly, someone else like me decided we've had a hard enough time competing with our clothes on, and we don't need the added pressure!

lawn righteousness

While most of the rest of the world focuses their eyes, ears and concerns on the conflict in the Middle East, there is a conflict going on so much closer to home that has been much more of a concern to me. It is a conflict that, in my opinion, has been going on for about 5 years now - coincidentally enough, the same amount of time that we have lived in the house where we now live. Sometimes, in my pathetic opinion, it seems that the stakes in this other war are very great - even, perhaps greater than the stakes in the War on Terror. (For anyone who is offended, this is a joke) And, much to my dismay, I am on the front line of this confict. The conflict is the Great Lawn War.
Now, if you don't own a house, you've probably not been witness to this conflict. You see, the Great Lawn War is the war that I'm waging, and presently losing against my lawn. We had a really warm stretch of weather here last week, and my lawn has become a breeding ground for every species of crabgrass and clover that exists in the free world. It's quite frustrating, as I have made semi-consistent attempts to curb this stuff, and actually grow grass. But, to no avail, that is not what is in my front yard, my side yard OR my back yard.
OK, so why is this an issue? I hear everyone saying "JUST GET OVER IT ALREADY"! And, if it were that easy for me, I would. But, I find some sort of identity in my lawn. I want to be able to take credit for something beautiful that grows - showing that I've tended to it, that I've cared and nutured for it, and that in response to that nurturing, it's grown and is something that is beautiful for the world to see.
As we all do, I have somehow found some of my identity in the lawn that exists around my home. My righteousness is somehow intertwined with the green grass (or lack thereof) that lays on the banks of my front and back yard.
We all have these things.... things that we find our righteousness and worth in. Somehow, even though they are not particulary BAD things, they replace the things where our identity and righteousness should be. Will it ever change?

relationships

I wish I could take credit for the topics that I discuss in my blogs, but I certainly can't. Todays entry is a topic that has come to my mind through a discussion I had over breakfast this morning with two people I truly consider good friends. The conversation has left me with many thoughts, so I thought I'd share.
The conversation we had was about relationships, and as the conversation proceeded, I was reminded how "relational" of a person I am. I have always said that relationships with those around me are one of my most prized possessions. I have always enjoyed and treasured developing relationships with others. My relationships are probably one of the most satisfying "things" that I have - and although, in one sense, I could say they are free, they have probably cost me the most and become the most valuable possession I have.
When I say those things, one probably presumes that I mean relationships with friends, and that is truly one of the greatest types of relationships I have. I am a person that enjoys relationships that get deep and gritty. The deeper my friendships are, the more valuable they become. This may seem to be kind of an obvious statement, but there a ton of people who I don't believe think the same. I think that they are the type of people that are much more comfortable with surface relationships - the kind where no one gets dirty or truly honest. To me, although there is certainly a place for those, they don't hold nearly the value that my good, deep friendships hold.
With that in mind, it seems clearly obvious, though I guess I don't think of it as a "relationship" in the same sense of the word, comes the RELATIONSHIP (wow!) with my wife and my children. I often say that I love Julie more today than I did when we met and when we were married. It's so true. Although the romance was there on our wedding day, our love and understanding has grown and grown. We've seen the ugly side of things, and yet we still love each other. Our love grows becuase our understanding grows, and the understanding grows simply out of time and energy we've put into our marriage.
I see the same pattern developing with my children. Katherine, my four year old, is closer to me than Elizabeth, my 1 1/2 year old. But, I have truly seen how my relationship with Elizabeth has grown and deepened. As she gets older and is a part of my life for a longer and longer period of time, my love for her also has deepened. Both my growing love for Julie and for the girls is because we have spent more and more time together. The commitment to and with each of my children grows as time passes. It's funny as I think about the fact that we'll have a third child in February. Right now, the emotional attachement I have to that baby is minimal, and probably even by the time he or she is born, the emotional attachment will pale in comparison to that of the girls. But, as time goes on, and as we spend time with each other and become emotionally invested in each other, that relationship will grow.
The funny (well, maybe funny isn't the right word) part about all of this is that just as I don't see the "relationships" with my family in the same way as I see the "relationships" with friends, I really don't see my relationship with Christ in any way close. As was pointed out to me this morning, just as in my other relationships, for it all to mean something, time and energy must be invested. We don't just turn around, find a person on the street, and become emotionally invested with them. Why should we think it any different with Christ? Do we expect that we would desire to spend time with someone we don't know?
Where does this put me with my relationships with others, and with my relationship with Christ? It puts me in a position where I need to get to know Him. I can't just expect to pray to Christ and then, hopefully, somewhere down the line feel that I know Him.

habit forming

For most people, the concept of having a "habit" is a bad thing, something that people want to break. But right now, I'm really struggling with devloping some habits - good habits. It may sound weird, but trying to start a habit is a whole lot harder than trying to break them. I used to have a consistent habit of exercising four mornings a week, and at one point in my life, I had a consistent habit of praying and spending time in the Word. At this point in my life, I have neither. I've struggles for about a year with the exercise habit, and as I think about it, my prayer time also dropped off about the same time. I'm not sure what the connection is, but as I think about it, the time link does strike me as odd.
How do you develop a habit? I've read that habits can be formed in about two to three weeks, but up to that point, it's like pulling teeth.

letting go and coming up for air

I love my job. I really do. I don't just say that for brownie points, but I say it because I mean it. I've already discussed one aspect of my job - the drug court program. The other main aspect of my work is prosecuting cases where people are injured or killed as a result of impaired or intoxicated drivers. I have developed a real passion for the cases. It may sound kind of weird, but cases that deal with impairment by alcohol or drugs are incredibly interesting and sometimes very difficult to successfully prosecute. First, in all honesty, driving while intoxicated cases often have no physical evidence (makes all you CSI lovers a little nervous, huh?). Second, the intricacies of prosecuting cases that many people don't always belive stems from criminal behavior (it's legal to drink, right?) is also challenging. There are constant developments in the area of establishing that someone is impaired to the level that their driving is affected.
OK, so you ask, where's the enjoyment or the thrill? Part of it comes from the fact is that in many of these cases, I am dealing with people who's lives have drastically changed because of the stupid actions of someone who chose to drink and drive. I enjoy the fact that I can help them through this period of difficulty in their lives. It's rewarding, and I hope, at times, it opens doors for me to minister to them.
It has also offered me opportunities to "minister" to the devoted law enforcement officers who also focus their work on these cases. We have developed a strong respect and wonderful ability to work together. They are not only people I work with - they are friends. I respect the work they do, and they appreciate the work I do.
So, you see, I care. And, everyone says how wonderful it is that I care. But, that same thing that I and others see as a blessing can also be the greatest curse. You see, I care too much. The problem is when I care, I take control. I find myself diving in so deep and taking on so much in these cases, that I don't know where or when to come up for air. I also take total control of the situation, and in my selfish arrogance, I take total control of these cases. Why? Because, in my sinful mind, I am convinced that NO ONE can do the job I do. It's a blessing and a curse. And so, this consumption causes me to become overwhelmed, and I find myself trying to figure out how to deal with everything I'm supposed to deal with at work and everything I want to deal with at work.
There's no doubt I'm a control freak, but when so many people compliment me for my control, it's hard to overcome the sin.
let go and let God..... hmmmmmm

back to....

It's the last day of my 10 days away from work, and I would have never imagined that a vacation could have provided the basis for such an emotional rollercoaster return to work. Tomorrow, it's back to reality, and in all honesty, I go back with a lot of mixed emotions.
Most people would say I'm over-analyzing the simple task of returning to work, but those who know me well know that there is no such thing as a "simple task"! For me, each and every part of life is a process, a step in one direction or the other, and this is no exception. I've been a part of my family's life 24/7 for the last 10 days, and it's been a real experience. I've grown closer to everyone in my household, but I've also seen how everyone, especailly myself and my four-year old daughter, are sinners in need of constant redemption. For myself, no biggie - it's something I've always known. On the other hand, as far as my daughter goes, it's been a hard thing to swallow. She's four - I know that any and all behavior is expected, but it downright stinks to see how someone I love so much and so unconditionally, needs to lean and trust in a Savior as much as anyone. And, the struggle continues in that at four years of age, I wonder how much of that she can understand.
Which, leads back to my depravity, because I'm called to lead her to that redemption and point her towards Christ. I'm called to point her to the fact that God, not me, is the perfect father. That's something that is hard, because it points once again to my shortcomings.
So, it's not only back to work, it's back to the beginning. The beginning of my faith, a point where I need to remain, and I point where I need to point everyone in my house.

snapshots of a vacation

Well, I've returned. We arrived home today after a 6 day venture to the Northwoods of Wisconsin for our first family vacation with our two daughters. It was quite an experience. A fair warning to anyone who has not ever taken a family vacation - remember, the emphasis should be placed on family, and vacation later. Keeping children entertained and interested when you go out of town can be a real challenge - perhaps not quite what Julie and I had planned. It was a challenge, but it was wonderful to return to Highlands. I really can't say enough about the place. It truly is paradise on Earth. It's a gorgeous location that can't be beat, and it's truly the place on Earth (that I've been to so far) that is the most peaceful. It is so easy for me to get lost in the moment and place in time, and forget about checking e-mails, returning phone calls or anything at all to do with work or home. As a matter of fact, although I've been granted permission to check my work voice mail by my wife, I'm really not ready to do it. I just want to savor the true concept of "vacation" by leaving everything behind.
The trip itself was a compilation of highs and lows. Travelling with two children, four and under, can have it's hazards. Meltdowns, hunger pains and boredem with long driving stints are true "roadway" hazards, and to be sure, we had our fair share. The ones we had really hurt - they were dissappointing and upsetting, because both Julie and I had grand visions of our family getting away, relaxing and spending that "quality time" that we don't have in the day to day world. It was probably also dissappointing for both of us in that from time to time, during those moments, we didn't respond the way that we often think parents should. We got angry... we threatened... or maybe we just ignored to keep our sanity.
On the opposite, there were certainly the highs. It was good to see Julie relaxed at times. I think that being pregnant with two girls is a real challenge, and I think getting away and spending some time with just her was good for her and good for us. Seeing the joy in my daughter's eyes as she got to help "drive" a ski boat, hearing her giggle and laugh when I swam with her in the crystal waters of Plum Lake during a "soap swim" and reading books huddled under the covers during a cold Northern Wisconsin nite were some of the high points.
It's interesting about vacations. You take pictures of the moments that you cherish, and as time passes on, those are the ones you remember. Perhaps, even enough time goes by that you can't remember why the dissappointments happened or what they were about. Years later, you look at the pictures, remember the joy, the fun and the laughter that you had on your family vacation, and perhaps, if you remember them at all, you can't remember exactly what all the arguements or heated words were about.
Amazingly enough, it strikes me, that God is the same way. God forgets our sin and how we dissapoint Him. No, He doesn't exactly FORGET the bad things, but like those pictures of the happy times, the bad things are washed away by something even better than our bad memories - His forgiveness and grace.

the grass is always greener

After mowing my lawn last night and stressing out over the ever-expanding amount of crabgrass and clover growing in my lawn, I was talking with my neighbor. She made the comment how her grass was looking terrible, especially next to our green, lush lawn. WHAT?!? Did she not see the crabgrass, clover and every other kind of broadleaf weed that has infested our lawn? Was she completely derlirious, or was she just offering a compliment to make me feel better? My thought immediately turned to the guy a few houses down the street who has THE BEST looking lawn around, and how I've always wished my lawn could look half as good as his. It made me realize and wonder - "what else do people not see about me? what else have I covered up so that my life and my world looks green from as close as next door"? I always wonder how we as Christians put on the best face - even when our worlds, our lawns, are dying and full of weeds (sin). Do we put on such a brave face that no one can tell that we struggle with the same sin and difficulties that our neighbors - be they Christians or non-Christians struggle with? And if they are not Christians, what message do our "green lawns" send the non-believers. Do our lives look so perfect and do we act so completely "put together" that non-believers don't see what being a Christian is really all about?
And then, what about our Christian neighbors? Do we put on such a "green lawn" face that we make other Christians who are struggling with sin feel like they aren't living as "good" of a life as they think we are? What message does that send to believers who struggle with sin or all of the other emotions that everyday life brings?
In regards to grass being greener on the other side - I'm off for a 10 day vacation from my job tomorrow. 10 days away from all the stress, frustration and annoyances that my job (along with probably everybody else's job) holds. I'm off to Camp Highlands, the place I mentioned in my first entry into this blog - the place that taught me "I'm Third". It will be a welcome retreat and a time to hopefully reflect on God's goodness as I am surrounded 24/7 with His beauty at it's best. The problem with the trip is, just like my trip to Seattle, I'll get back next week, and think "Wow! If I could just live that relaxed of a life every day! How wonderful my life would be"! I'm hoping that instead of my sin causing me to resent what I don't have, God will give me the time and the focus to see what I do have. That I will realize that the grass is greener on my side of the fence as well as the other side, and that I am willing to share the weeds in my lawn in a way that encourages others and shows them that my faith carries me through - not the fact that my neighbors can't see my "weeds"!

dancing in mud

When I became a believer in 1992, someone wise told me that there were really two parts to the Gospel message. The first part was that we were sinners, doomed from the start, with no way out. That part wasn't hard for me to grasp. Ask anyone who knows me well, and they will say that I would probably have no problem grasping the truth of my depravity. The second part, though, has always been much harder, much to my chagrin. One would think that knowing and believing that God's grace, forgiveness and mercy would be bigger than anything my sin could dish up would be not only great encouragement, but cause for me to drop the sad-sack act, and rejoice in the great things He has given me - and to give him thanks for lifting me out of the mud. But, of course, I would defy the common train of thought, and I find myself muddling through the mud, even when I know that God has given me so much. I look around and see all He has given me, yet somehow my eyes are closed to those things, and instead, focused on the frustration, anger and the annoyances in my life.
Yep - I'm overweight and growing older, but I have so much to show for it. I have a family, friends who truly love me and God's grace and mercy washing over me each and every day - whether I remember it or not. Wouldn't you think that would be enough?

"conventional" wisdom

I'll be leaving Seattle this afternoon and travelling back home. The convention I've been attending is for my work with our county's drug court program. It'a a program where instead of sending some alcohol and drug offenders to prison, we place them in an intensely supervised treatment program, where they appear in court on a regular basis. It's a part of my job that I really enjoy, because I see it as a good example of a Biblically based combination of justice and mercy. It's been an interesting conference, but I've found myself not "here" for most of the week. My mind has been a mix of longing for home and enjoying the interesting combination of urban life and natural beauty of downtown Seattle. I've found myself thinking that a place like this would be a fun place to live, a place to enjoy the concept of walking down the street with my iPod on and a cup of Starbuck's in my hand. It has been fun, and it's definitely a place that I hope to return to someday to visit further.
But in the midst of this enjoyment of this place, there has been a longing to be home. A longing to be back with my family. I've said it in the previous entries - that getting out of your routine does give you a new perspective on things. It's re-energized me a little bit and it's certainly caused me to enjoy the glory of God's creation that exists in the Pacific Northwest. Now, as I take that new energy and new appreciation back home (on a long and late nite flight), it's my prayer that those things will travel back with me. That God will have used this time away to draw me closer to Him back home as well.
It will be tough..... going back to work after time away is hard. Perhaps, that even more, will cause me to rely on Him and realize that nothing can be done on my own strength.

it'sbuzz.com

There really aren't two more appropriate words to describe Seattle - "buzz" (i.e. caffeine, i.e. Starbuck's) and "dot com" (what most of the city is built on). Seattle is quite an impressive place. Of course, most people think of rain, but both times I've been here (including this time), it's been gorgeous weather.
I've had two experiences since I left for this conference that have really drawn me closer to God. I'm just going to discuss my morning walk in Seattle for now - the other one - having to do with the love I have for my family - will come later.

I took a walk this morning down by Puget Sound, and I was struck by the fact that God's creation is once again so beautiful, even in it's depraved state. I was also struck how a new place and a change of scenery could really energize me. I've been struggling for weeks to start exercising again, but for whatever reason, I've been completely unmotivated. Then today, all of a sudden, in a new surrounding, I feel the desire to get out and see God's creation, and see something new - and the energy just came. Why is that? Is there something wrong with being in the same routine day after day - I don't think so. But I do think that from time to time, when God pulls us out of that routine, he drives us closer to Him. I've been struggling with motivation in a lot of things lately - perhaps a little shake in the routine is what I need. Perhaps it's just the caffeine talking, but God uses everything, even business trips we dread - to draw us closer to Him.

outta here.....

It's always a tricky thing when I leave town for business. Luckily, I have a job that doesn't take me away from home very much - something both Julie and I are thankful for. But, on those occaisions when travel is called for, I always struggle with the fact that I enjoy going to most of the conferences I attend for the reason that most everyone there is inspired and motivated to do the work they're called to do. That fact is somewhat not the case in my office, so it's great to get out and feel that what I do is worthwhile, that it truly is a calling.
On the other hand, I face the downside of leaving my family. I'm probably way too in touch with my "emotional" side, but I love being around my family. As I've discussed before, part of that is just the validation that I get from spending time with my wife and girls - they too make are a "calling".
Here's where the conflict comes - doing something that takes me away from one calling to remind me of my other calling. I just wish all of my "callings" could work together and work in a way that I wouldn't feel that one of them has to be set aside.
I guess this is truly the result of sin - when God told Adam he would have to "work the land". My "land" is my job, and that job takes me away from my family. Without sin, I guess there wouldn't be that tension and pulling between the hats that I wear.
After waxing philosophical about a simple business trip, the blessing that I have is that soon after my return from my trip, I will get to focus on the calling of my family with a great vacation! Even in the sight of struggle, the rewards that we have are many - Praise God!

crash!

It was terrifying.... the call came as I was driving with my two girls.... we never saw it coming.... my wife called, and the computer STOPPED! The panic was clear in her voice when she relayed the words over the phone. She told how she tried to do a simple disk clean-up, and upon rebooting the computer, it wouldn't start! NO! Say it isn't so. Tell me anything except that. The fear rumbled through the very core of my soul!
Although some of the emotions may be a little exaggerated for effect, they're not really too far off. We found ourselves living in the mid-20th century. No way to contact our friends, do our banking or determine whether the low pressure zone that was predicted for St. Louis would really bring the heavy showers that weather.com had fortold would douse our Father's Day plans. It's amazing when you think about it - how absolutely dependent we have become on things such as the internet for our day-to-day survival.
The rest of our weekend was kind of intriguing. Both my wife and I found ourselves calling friends that we usually e-mailed and we found ourselves without the excuse we always had to just sneak in and do a quick "surf".
Somehow, our lives became slightly easier this weekend. Slowly (and we're still getting there), we began to live without immediate access to everyone and everything. It's starting to become a little freeing actually. I came into work today, fully expecting to accomplish nothing since I figured I would need that "internet fix" that I hadn't had all weekend. Although I did spend a little time surfing, I realized that I was OK. I wasn't going to fall off the edge of the planet if I didn't know the up-to-the-minute status of multi-lateral negotiations with North Korea, China and Japan. Somehow, my day would go on, and somehow, I might even find time for the more important things - my wife, my children, myself and (gasp) a relationship with Christ.
Will it continue once my wife has the new hard drive installed? Who knows, but it's definitely worth posting about - then maybe, I'll think about it more often and be driven to the alter of something other than Microsoft!

pot.... meet kettle....

I was watching a TV show earlier this week where the "reporter/investigator" was setting up and catching people with some nasty addictions. They'd set them up with a fake "chat" on the computer, and then get them to come to a house where the reporter would confront them with their problems, ask them why they did it, and then let the "perps" get arrested. Now, don't get me wrong... what these guys were doing was nasty, wrong, sick and every other word you can think of. And, I was glad that they were getting these guys off the street. But, at the same time, something about the whole set-up seemed bad. I figured out that what was bothering me was the attitude of everyone involved in the set-up. The reporters and crew people all acted so self-righteous in their disgust at these guys. It made me begin to wonder what sin, what secrets and what addictions these guys were hiding under their "squeaky clean, helping society" exteriors.
As I thought about it and got more and more annoyed, I realized that I probably do the same thing. I look at others around me, espcially those who don't believe in Christ, and think how ridiculous they are for not understanding the enormity of God's grace. I think how terrible they are with their "worldly" attitudes and their "worldly" objectives. I realize that under my "sqeaky clean" exterior is sin and secrets - just the same as the sin and secrets those around me have.
YUCK, and I thought blogging would be FUN!

growing every day

By the time this gets posted, the people that read this will know that my wife, Julie and I are expecting our third child. There is nothing in the world, not even marriage, that sanctifies a person like being a parent. I know that marriage is the beginning of sanctification, but it's nothing compared to the humility and dependence on God you hopefully build as a parent.
It's a real challenge, because as far as my daughters are concerned, I hung the moon in the sky. I have the great experience of coming home every day, and having my 4-year old and my 1-year old come running to me as a come into the door (insert Ward Cleaver's picture here). But the real sanctification comes when you fail your children. I hate being a sinner and having to repent to a couple of toddlers who think you're the greatest thing since sliced bread. It's even harder when you add the fact that a 4-year old and a 1-year old could care less if YOU DO REPENT. In their world, if it hasn't happened in the last two minutes, it hasn't happened. But, I as their father, know better. I believe that it's imperative that as a parent, I teach my children not only the importance of obeying God, but the consequences of not obeying God. Those consequences include seeking forgiveness from the person you've wronged, and seeking the forgiveness of God.
So... you ask, why would I make my day even harder by having more children when I'm enough of a sinner to struggle with repenting to two children. It's really easy - it's because I love them, and I've learned that my love for my two children will not decrease with a third. Instead, my heart will somehow grow bigger and more love will grow in my heart with a third child.

shouting out His name

Yesterday afternoon, my 4-year old Katherine and I went on a walk. It's on a pedestrian walkway on a bridge over the Missouri river. As we were walking, as I often do on outings, I asked her who made things such as the river, the trees, the sky and so on. Now, being the reformed 4 year-old that she is, she, of course knew that God made these things. I didn't just ask her these things though, I, for entertainment purposes, started yelling them, and then she would yell back "GOD"!!!! It was quite a sight! A man and his daughter on a public bridge yelling out such things. I decided to stretch our game a little, and I started asking her questions from the Children's Catechism. Again, quite the sight as I would yell "WHO MADE YOU!!?", and she would respond, "GOD"! It continued "WHY DID HE MAKE YOU?!" "FOR HIS OWN GLORY!", she would yell back with a big laugh and with her hair blowing in the wind.
I didn't think much about it at the time, but here we were, yelling out God's truth for any and all who happened to be venturing out for a leisurely walk that afternoon. As we did this, I felt a real sense of joy and understanding of the "hugeness" of God. I did a quick scan of the Bible, and find that shouting is quite an acceptable and common form of praise. What a wonderful thing to be able to stand in the middle of God's creation, shouting at the top of our lungs, acknowledging His glory and goodnes.
As I further reflected on it last nite and this morning, I wondered when the last time that I had "yelled" out God's truths to anyone - either by my words or my actions. Children are so willing to say the truth, and say it boldly, but somewhere along the way, we become afraid of saying things we know are the truth.