It's Race Week

So, this is race week! Yes, this Saturday, I'll be doing my second triathlon in Springfield, IL. It's hard to believe it's only been 5 weeks since I did my first, and it's somewhat harder to believe that after that, I decided to keep going, but I have. I wish I could put into words exactly what it was like to do the triathlon last month, but it's so hard. There were so many emotions that went through my head as I completed it. I do remember one thing though - I remember as I was doing the 5 mile run at the end - I remember thinking many times "why am I doing this"? and also thinking "there is no way I will do this again"! But, somehow, once I crossed the finish line, regained my ability to breath normally, and ate the largest amount of pancakes and bacon I had eaten at one sitting in many years, I somehow found myself signing up for TWO more triathlons, and also opting for a longer race! Seriously!? I'm sure this was pretty much exactly what Julie was thinking too. But, after a couple days rest, I pushed back in and kept going. This past weekend, I did a dry run, and was excited to really see progress in my work. The triathlon I did in June was a 500m swim, 22 mile bike ride and 5 mile run. The one I'm doing this weekend, and the one I'm doing in August are both Olympic distance triathlons - a .9 mile swim (1600m), 24.6 mile bike ride and a 10K (6.2 mile) run. Also, I'll be doing an "open water" swim in a lake instead of doing the swim in the pool. Most people think that the "open swim" is tougher, but I've really found that I enjoy it. Perhaps it's my Camp Highlands roots, but swimming in the lake seems much more normal. Anyways, race week carries a lot of emotions for me. The hardest part though, is "tapering". For those of you who don't know, when you do a longer race like a triathlon or marathon, instead of pushing your training up to the very end, you taper, so that your body has time to rest up for the event itself. It's somewhat frustrating and somewhat against what you would expect. Resting before a big event is hard - your mind feels that you should be training hard. So the taper in and of itself is mentally challenging. You have to put faith in the training you've done, and not try and do the work yourself at the end. A challenging idea, and an idea that really represents my faith as well - understanding you can't do it on your own, and trusting something you really can't tangibly see. It's not a perfect analogy, but the similarity is there. Added to the "taper" emotions are simply the emotions of doing a triathlon - something that was not on my radar or in my vocabulary less than a year ago, and you get the perfect storm of excitement, nerves and everything else. It will also be fun as I'm going to get to see someone from high school - another friend of mine that I've reconnected with through this stuff. The friendships that have been rekindled, and the new friendships that I've created have been such an encouragement and a source of excitement. So, here I go - into another adventure. I have no clue how I'll do - I could end up last, but knowing that I'll be able to tackle it and do my best is quite a bit of excitement in it's own way!!

Tell Me How!!

So, the motivation behind me starting up this blog again is that after I posted the pics of my transformation, I received a ton of messages, texts and emails from people. I was BLOWN AWAY at the repsonse that my pictures had, and it really threw me for a loop when many of the emails and messages were ones asking me "How did you do it"? Unless you're a friend of mine that's only gotten to know me in the past year, you know what I used to look like, and you know that not to far in my distant past, I really had no interest in athletics. So how does the fat, band geek turn out to be running a triathlon in his mid-40's?!?! Unfortunlately, I can't really pinpoint how it started or why it started, but as to the why, it has become something amazing. The how, yea, that's pretty crazy too. There's not really a clear reason why I started working out. When I weighed 335 pounds on our wedding day, I don't really think I thought a lot about my weight. I knew I was heavy and I knew that I had to always shop at big and tall mens' stores. It bugged me, but I think somehow, I got over it, and I just shopped there. From time to time I would try to watch what I ate (while it was going in my mouth mostly), but I never changed diet habits too much. There were times earlier in my life that I thought that my appearance was preventing me from dating anyone, but I was huge when I met and married Julie, and she loved me just the same. She never brought up the topic or anything, so I felt really, that for the first time, I was completely loved for exactly who I was. Perhaps that was what gave me the comfort to try, because after Katherine was born, I remember looking at pictures of me with her, and realizing how big I really was. So, for the next few years, I did a lot of things, and some of them worked. In 2003, I dropped 80 pounds with Weight Watchers. I began exercising some - mostly running through our neighborhood. But in '04, with two little kids, my exercise and diet got lost in the mix. I bounced around with various "no carb" diets, losing 15-20 pounds, gaining 20-30 pounds, losing 20-30 pounds, etc., but nothing really stuck. It wasn't becoming part of who I was. This got a little better in 2010. I started doing a "boot camp" at the local rec center, and started actually counting calories. The thing was, even as I counted them, the weight never seemed to shed. I got a little more energized with running in 2011, and started running 5K races. They were fun, and between boot camp and running, I really thought things would change, but they didn't. Then, the bottom fell out. In late 2011 and early 2012, I started working with a trainer, but at the same time, started having worse and worse back pain issues. I found myself frustrated because just as I would seem to hit my stride, something would trigger some lower back pain and I'd fall off the wagon. I often found myself eating when the frustration of back pain happened. Then, as is often the case, just when it seems the worst, God used the frustration and anger to point me in the right direction. I was referred to a chiropractor - Dr. Matt Lytle - who in turn, pulled me out of the training I was doing and pointed me in the direction of Emerge Fitness. In June, 2012, when I set foot in Emerge, I had no idea of the path the Lord had put me on. It may seem weird to say that God put me on this path, but I do believe it's true. I believe that I ended up at Emerge for a reason, and that reason wasn't only to improve my own health, but to open my mind mentally and emotionally, and also my heart spirituatlly. After spending the first 3 months at Emerge focusing on improving my core strength and my glutes, I turned to exercising more seriously, and I found myself looking at a 10K instead of just a 5K. My trainer, Adam, also was a great advocate of good nutrition, and slowly but surely I began to consider that aspect. I began making smoothies for breakfast - fruit, veggies and protein powder. They were good too! Then I began realizing some little habits that might need to go - the constant Coke Zero I drank - the late evening muches of potato chips because I was still hungry. Little things... I decided to challenge myself (and Adam challenged me too), to taking 6 weeks to changing the habits. I committed to cutting back pop, eliminating potato chips, cutting out late night snacking and finally - committing to "clean" eating all but 2-3 meals per week. Focusing on that, as well as focusing on some serious strength training was the key. All of a sudden, I began to lose weight like never before. I was dropping about 10 pounds per month for about 5 months. Adam challenged me to set some short, mid and long term goals, and all of a sudden, I began to see that I could do that. My first goal was to get down to 247 pounds - the least I had weighed while on Weight Watchers. And that goal came and went. Then, I decided to set the year end goal of 225 pounds, and I did that too. I began to set other goals - learning how to do a pull-up, committing to another 10K and signing up for an obstacle run. The pull-up goal eluded me for months. Every week I would work on them at the gym, and although I'd hoped to have them down by December, 2013, it wasn't until April, 2014 that I did my first pull-up. Then I did more, and more, and more. It was so exciting to see the goals getting accomplished. I found myself dreaming bigger and bigger - and felt that along with the pounds, a fog had litterally lifted from my mind. I felt more comfortable in sitautions, more confident in speaking with others openly about my faith, and more confident in my work as well. It was amazing!! So, the transformation has been much more than physical, but I want to stop here. I feel like I've rambled, but I think it's important to have the background in place as I move forward. The end ideal of this sitaution is that things can happen - amazing things - if you simply decide to make the changes that those goals require. God gives us wisdom and God gives us the ability to make some choices (not intending to start a religious debate with that), and I think we need to make sure that we grab hold of those abilities and opportunities. They can be blessings beyond all measure - and they can be encouragements and inspirations to so many around us - Grab Hold!! Go Forward!!

Thoughts on the road home

Although I had intended to start this blog with a bit of recap, I've been thinking on the drive home (while riding, not driving), and I've felt that I share perhaps a bit of my discoveries. This is the first vacation I've taken since I've been really focused on exercise & nutrition, and let me say - it was HARD! My initial reaction to things was to stick hard to routine & diet. I felt that with me being only a couple weeks from my next triathlon, I had to focus on working out and eating well. After all, I would have as much control over what I ate and I would have more time to workout. Well, guess what - I failed. Failure, of course, is a relative term, but as I ate with my kids and went out for seafood, I realized that it wasn't that easy. More importantly, I learned it was OK. I am slowly learning that just as I am a sinful, selfish person who messes something up every day, I am a creature of habit, and outside my habits and norms, life is hard, and I mess up. The good thing about messing up on your diet is that I think I've finally learned that one day or two does not destroy the base you've built, and that when you mess up on vacation - it's ok. You chalk it up and move forward. Now that we're getting close to home, my routine will return and I will be able to look back and say I enjoyed my vacation - not that I was so miserable focusing on diet that I forgot to savor the flavors of life that were in front of me for a few days. Tomorrow morning, my world of protein shakes and cycle rides will return - the next week will be big time getting ready for my next race. I think the time away from it all will motivate me even more. It's all about life - seizing what blessings are in front of you and living life out the way God intends - a way that honors Him and causes us to be even more thankful and driven.

It's Alive!!

After a long, long dormant period, the blog is alive. It's alive again with new purpose and meaning, and hopefully, new encouragement and inspiration. About a week ago, I posted a series of pictures on my Facebook page that got a response that blew me away. I never expected the feedback in the form of "likes", comments, e-mails, private messages and so forth that followed. So many of my friends commented especially that my journey and transformation was inspiring to them, and that caught me off guard. It never was intended to be that, it was simply a chance that I finally decided I needed to take the step forward to put out into the interweb the reality of the last year of my life. In response to this, I felt the tug on my heart to share more - not to toot my own horn, but to share a little bit more in depth of where my life has come from, and where it's gone in the past year. Also to share a little bit of what this has all done to influence other aspects of my life - my family, my thoughts, my faith and so on. So to start, I'll give just an overview of how I've gotten to where I'm at. I hope that through all of this, I can encourage others to do the same with their lives. I"m always glad to give feedback, but please know - I DO NOT KNOW IT ALL, and I hope that I never come across that I do. This is my journey - it looks different from everyone else's journey, but the common factor is that to move forward in any area of life, you have to find something deep inside you that pushes you further than you've gone before. You have to find a drive and an excitement that you may have thought did not exist. It's there - it may be hard to find - but it is. I never thought I had it, but I did. And so can anyone else.

Involvement in Democracy

It will come as no surprise to anyone who know me that my political views lean to the conservative, so as things unfold over the next few days, I am confronted with an issue of pride v. dissappointment, and how to meld those two feelings.

My issue stems from the fact that I am having mixed emotions as the events in Washington D.C. unfold over the next few days, and because of those emotions, I am incredibly conflicted. I confess that I am certainly dissappointed that Obama is REALLY going to become President. I guess, even though I went through real discouragement when the election occurred, the intervening months have given me some false sense that the whole election was some sort of bad, drug-induced dream that wasn't going to happen. Now, as we are inundated with innauguration coverage, I have come to realize that there's no such luck. We are about to embark on four (or eight) years of Democratic rule. Already, I read the headlines of climate control legislation, insanely huge stimulus/bailout packages and armed services that will be plagued by the sexual orientation of everyone's bunkmate, and I know it's coming. I know that as much loud and boisterous compalining that Republicans in Congress will do, the bottom line is that there won't be a whole lot they can do when push comes to shove.

At the same time, there is a part of me that is being caught up in the fact that our country once again can change leaders, and we don't have to hold our breath - wondering whether armed troops will line the street for it to happen. It will happen peacefully, and in some sense, that peacefulness will be all the more amazing considering the perspectives of the two most important men on the poduim (Bush and Obama). I am fascinated that we honestly are experiencing the first time that a white male is not leading the free world, and even though I disagree 150% with Obama's politics, he is an African-American, and is about to do something no other African-American has done. I think that must be significant, somehow.

On the other side, I am trying not to let my emotion become sucked into the propaganda machine that exists even more clearly than it did two months ago. For some reason, in one example, it was tyranny when Bush spent $40 million on his '04 innauguration, but Obama's $150 million is an acceptable amount, according to the media. We have people losing jobs, banks falling apart, but yet it's perfectly fine to have a completely obnoxious celebration in the midst of all the turmoil. The press is so biased, and now, more than even last fall, there is no way they can deny it.I don't know - there's good and bad here, and perhaps it's my pride that's preventing me from fully admitting the good, but at the same time, it might be my conservative common sense preventing me from being completly sucked in. It's even to the point I'm conflicted as to whether I should step out of my schedule on Tuesday to watch things, or whether my refusal to participate in this "coronation" is my valid, silent protest.

To complicate matters all the more, I watched President Bush speak last nite, and I was moved by his generosity and willingness to welcome Obama. It has hard for me to imagine a world where Bush is not president. When he became President, I had been married for about one year and was not a father. My life has changed so drastically since he took office - even to the fact that we were discussing last nite that all three of my kids have only lived during his presidency. There is a sentimentality to seeing him leave - I think that despite what anyone's political perspectives might be, they have to admit that he faced a very different world than what existed when he started his term, and in the midst of that came the defining moment for a generation - a moment more defining than any innauguration. A moment that changed how each of us saw the world, and thankfully, on Bush's watch, that moment has repeated itself - something that makes me thankful as a husband and the father of three children.

So, to watch or not to watch - submission to self-pride and bitterness or submitting to the thought that I am thankful to be an American where power will peacefully be transferred from one party to another, from one man to another - and a world where we'll all wake up on Jan. 21, and Republican or Democrat - we'll all still be a part of this country.

Catching Up

It's been a long time since I've posted anything on here, and in some ways, I have some regret about that. The last couple months have been full of emotion - good and bad. And even though I'm now in the midst of what some may term the duldrums of winter, the speed of life and emotion has not slowed down.

God has been very good to me the last few months. The holidays were a time of much anxiety for me. I was anxious as to our first holidays without my Mom. I knew that she would be missed, but didn't know to what extent or how anyone would deal with her absence. I thought about her often throughout the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas - her love of going overboard on her child and grandchildren was clearly missed. She may not have had the most rational way of expressing her love for those around her, but there was no doubt, especially at Christmas, that she loved her family and that in her own way, she was very evident about showing that in the way she was so generous to our family. I remember often as a child thinking how much I got, but it wasn't until I found myself wanting to give so much to my children this year, that I realized it was a form of love - a demented form, but love none the less. I struggled with wanting so much out of Christmas this year. I wanted time to do things, joy abounding as we prepared and more than enough gifts for everyone. The gifts weren't a problem, but there were struggles as I sought to meet my completely unrealistic expectations for Christmas. Work was especially busy this past December, and it was very hard for me to be strapped with work commitments as I sought to spend time at home.

In the midst of it all, I was confronted with the reality of whether I was passing on materialism to my children at Christmas. I was challenged to understand how to balance the desire to give with the desire to see my children grasp the true meaning of Christmas. Although I may not have struck the balance, I do feel that God has blessed our family with the love of Jesus in the next generation. My girls (Christopher is too young) do love to hear God's word, and love to spend time hearing Bible stories, singing hymns and even pretending that they are Bible characters. Katherine and Elizabeth spend countless evenings pretending they were Mary and Joseph, while I was often relegated to the roll of shepard who had to come to see the Baby Jesus (often portrayed by Katherine's stuff bear) when He was born. Although it bordered on obsession at times, it was a joy to see them enthralled with the joy that everyone felt when Christ was born. I was often challenged whether my real joy, and knowing the reality of the Christmas story, truly matched their pretend joy in being a part of that story.

In the end, I was blessed with 10 days off of work around Christmas and New Year's. The time I had at home was a true blessing. 10 days to do fun things and spend quality time with all of my family. I can't pick a favorite memory, because I was blessed with hours and hours of playing, pretending and preparing for Christmas. Truly a wonderful holiday.

Since my return to work, I've been thrown back in full steam. But even in the midst of the winter doldrums, for some reason, the memories of my Mom have become more real than they may have been for me at Christmas. On three or four different occaisions, I have been part of a discussion or something that pricks my heart and reminds me my Mom is really gone. I've felt the abscense is much more real and permanent, and that's hard to face. I often am confronted with the fact that I won't get to talk to her or see her again here on earth. I realize that although I found her frustrating and hard to endure at times, her abscense is just as difficult. I see the loneliness in my Dad's eyes, although I am thankful that our kids fill some of that void. I know that he is alone at the end of the day, and that saddens me. It saddens me more to know that someday, probably not too far in the future, he too will be gone. It's hard, because as we are forced to relate on our own terms, and not through the mediation of my Mom, we are growing closer. I know that my kids are loving him more each day, and that when he is gone, it will be sad for them - something I didn't really have to deal with too much when my Mom died. No doubt, he frustrates me at times, but I love him, and perhaps even some day - I will convey that truth to him.

The emotions run deep as always.....

Change and Loss

Sean Lucas made an interesting point in Sunday School this past week. He was discussing "change" and how change can cause stress and conflict because it causes loss. That statement has amazing implications in my life the last few weeks. Change of administration is a loss on my part as far as the election goes. It was a very emotional loss too. The Obama win for President was quite an emotional and gut-wrenching experience for me - perhaps too much so in some ways, but it was, just the same. As time has passed, the emotion has subsided, but I remain wary of what is to come. There are many people around me, with many different opinions as to what is going to happen on many policy fronts, and I have to say that I suspect that NO ONE, including Obama himself, really knows how his administration is going to play out. I do think that over the next four years, I may become even more of a political junkie and advocate - continuing to be educated and knowledgeable.

Change and loss took on another form in my family this past week. My aunt, my Mom's sister, passed away. It was very sad to say goodbye to Aunt June - though we were not always close, mourning her loss so close in time to my Mom's loss has been a difficult thing. Truly, the loss of the two sisters who were at the heart of this family certainly causes loss and causes change.