It's been a long time since I've posted anything on here, and in some ways, I have some regret about that. The last couple months have been full of emotion - good and bad. And even though I'm now in the midst of what some may term the duldrums of winter, the speed of life and emotion has not slowed down.
God has been very good to me the last few months. The holidays were a time of much anxiety for me. I was anxious as to our first holidays without my Mom. I knew that she would be missed, but didn't know to what extent or how anyone would deal with her absence. I thought about her often throughout the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas - her love of going overboard on her child and grandchildren was clearly missed. She may not have had the most rational way of expressing her love for those around her, but there was no doubt, especially at Christmas, that she loved her family and that in her own way, she was very evident about showing that in the way she was so generous to our family. I remember often as a child thinking how much I got, but it wasn't until I found myself wanting to give so much to my children this year, that I realized it was a form of love - a demented form, but love none the less. I struggled with wanting so much out of Christmas this year. I wanted time to do things, joy abounding as we prepared and more than enough gifts for everyone. The gifts weren't a problem, but there were struggles as I sought to meet my completely unrealistic expectations for Christmas. Work was especially busy this past December, and it was very hard for me to be strapped with work commitments as I sought to spend time at home.
In the midst of it all, I was confronted with the reality of whether I was passing on materialism to my children at Christmas. I was challenged to understand how to balance the desire to give with the desire to see my children grasp the true meaning of Christmas. Although I may not have struck the balance, I do feel that God has blessed our family with the love of Jesus in the next generation. My girls (Christopher is too young) do love to hear God's word, and love to spend time hearing Bible stories, singing hymns and even pretending that they are Bible characters. Katherine and Elizabeth spend countless evenings pretending they were Mary and Joseph, while I was often relegated to the roll of shepard who had to come to see the Baby Jesus (often portrayed by Katherine's stuff bear) when He was born. Although it bordered on obsession at times, it was a joy to see them enthralled with the joy that everyone felt when Christ was born. I was often challenged whether my real joy, and knowing the reality of the Christmas story, truly matched their pretend joy in being a part of that story.
In the end, I was blessed with 10 days off of work around Christmas and New Year's. The time I had at home was a true blessing. 10 days to do fun things and spend quality time with all of my family. I can't pick a favorite memory, because I was blessed with hours and hours of playing, pretending and preparing for Christmas. Truly a wonderful holiday.
Since my return to work, I've been thrown back in full steam. But even in the midst of the winter doldrums, for some reason, the memories of my Mom have become more real than they may have been for me at Christmas. On three or four different occaisions, I have been part of a discussion or something that pricks my heart and reminds me my Mom is really gone. I've felt the abscense is much more real and permanent, and that's hard to face. I often am confronted with the fact that I won't get to talk to her or see her again here on earth. I realize that although I found her frustrating and hard to endure at times, her abscense is just as difficult. I see the loneliness in my Dad's eyes, although I am thankful that our kids fill some of that void. I know that he is alone at the end of the day, and that saddens me. It saddens me more to know that someday, probably not too far in the future, he too will be gone. It's hard, because as we are forced to relate on our own terms, and not through the mediation of my Mom, we are growing closer. I know that my kids are loving him more each day, and that when he is gone, it will be sad for them - something I didn't really have to deal with too much when my Mom died. No doubt, he frustrates me at times, but I love him, and perhaps even some day - I will convey that truth to him.
The emotions run deep as always.....
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