hollow victory

Editing note - this entry was started on Aug. 29, but added to on Sept. 3 and 4. I had a preliminary hearing on a case today that involved a young man being killed because the driver of the vehicle was drunk and crashed into another car. I won the hearing, but I have to admit, the victory was not sweet. I walked out of the courtroom, knowing that if this case went to trial, I would be used as a floor mop for the courthouse steps in the process. What was worse, I knew that the defense attorney knew the same thing.
There are so many different aspects of this situation that leave me cold. Of course, the first is the dissappointment that I suffered in seeing my case - this disaster in motion - unfold before me. I felt somewhat confident in the ability of my witnesses, but they basically self-destructed on cross-examination. I felt that somehow I hadn't done all I could, but at the same time, I knew that I had attempted to prepare them.
I also felt terrible because of the fact that the defense attorney, in his glib manner, knew how successful he had been in destroying my case. You see, the defense attorney I dealt with today is a nice guy, but he is the perfect example of what people think of when they think of a "slimy" defense attorney. He's not totally evil, but he's so good, and he knows he's so good, that seeing my case crumble was so humiliating. Before the hearing, I was talking with him, and I'm sure he even knew then what his tactic was to destroy my witnesses, but he chatted with me like he was just wanting to get in and out of the court room as quickly as possible. But, when the hearing itself started, he took his sweet time pulling the rug of credibility out from under each witnesses feet.
I know that I take these cases very personally, and I know that caring, as I do, sets me up for disappointment and heartache when things don't go the way I think they should. It's hard to face that day in and day out in my office when I don't feel that it's the norm for people with whom I work. It hurts and my pride and my enthusiasm often take very direct hits.
9/4/06 - That's where I was with this situation a few days ago, and in some ways, I'm at the same point now. The pain is a little easier to take, but the deep feelings about my cases and wanting to have success here and there still exist.
It's amazing, though, how God works through these situations and how God brings the right messages to your heart at the tright time. That was very clear to me this past Sunday as Sean Lucas and John Roberts preached at Covenant Church about trials and about God working through those trials. It was also very convicting to me that when these trials come, I need to look outside myself. It is not all about me (maybe some day I'll really understand that). Trials come to grow us, but they ultimately come so that we realize who were are being grown by - God, and so that we can glorify him and understand that He is drawing us closer to Him and making us more like Him.
Since my initial entry on this, I've gone through the frustration period, but the frustration has lessened and I have "moved on" and realized that there is a calling here, still. I believe with most of my heart, that God is calling me to the work I have, but it's often difficult to see that through my frustration and annoyance with others' response to my work.