so this is Christmas

So many times, it's so easy for me to sit down and type out something to post - but this time, that's not the case. The weekend that has just come to a close has been one of the most difficult experiences that I have ever had, and frankly, there's no cute way or clever way to write about it, so I guess it's not worth even trying.
We have experienced much grief this past weekend. First, our friends who had twins delivered by emergency c-section 10 days ago, lost the little girl twin, Meghan. Meghan had not been expected to live, but that never makes the loss of a child any easier. Julie and I (mostly Julie) have spent time and energy attempting to show Christ's love to this family, and it just breaks our heart to see Karen and Steve lose this little one they loved so very much. This family's faithfulness to Christ throughout this entire process has been amazing. Their faith and trust in God has remained so strong, and Steve even said at one point that the thing to remember throughout this trial is that "Jesus wept", and that God, our Father, knows exactly what it's like to lose a child. Thinking of the sacrifice and the payment for our sin that Christ's death was, I truly believe that there can be no greater loss to any parent than the loss of a child. It is against the natural order when parents are left to mourn that loss, and we certainly share that loss and that pain with them.
As we were struggling through what we knew would be Meghan's final hours here on earth, we were also hit by another great shock. My mother has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and has been given a relatively short time to live. This came as a shock to everyone, and although people keep asking me how I'm feeling, I'm not sure whether it has sunk in or whether there's a long way to go til it really hits home. It has been a struggle to face the reality of what losing my Mom really means. My Dad will certainly struggle emotionally, but at the same time, I have seen the strength he has, and I know that that strength will carry him through much of it. Already, he and I have become closer - as we begin to realize that we will have to be their to support each other.
My mother and I have had a tulmultuous relationship for years and years, and I suspect that as time passes, I will struggle with a lot of unresolved feelings and issues with her. I know that even facing what she faces, it will be hard for us to come to a point in our relationship that all will be good. I will also struggle with the fact that I am uncertain at this point as to whether she has trusted Christ as her Savior. I was asked that by someone at church yesterday, and frankly, the question took on a whole different meaning. I pray that somehow, in the time she has left, the Lord will give me the strength I need to confront the issues I need to confront with her, and that the Lord will use someone, preferably not me, to share the Gospel, and work in her heart.
One thing the Lord has already spoken to me is that He is going to use this circumstance to work in my life. I have struggled much with commitment to His word and to prayer, and I wonder if this is the way that He will draw me back to Him. I know though and am comforted by the fact that He is working in my life and my heart through this.

"When through fiery trials your pathway shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be your supply;
The flame shall not hurt you; I only design
Your dross to consume and your gold to refine.

The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose,
I will not, I will not desert to his foes;
That soul THOUGH ALL HELL SHOULD ENDEAVOR TO SHAKE,
I'll never, no never, no never forsake."

I am sure that this will be a source of much of the entries that I jot down over the next few months.