Sean Lucas made an interesting point in Sunday School this past week. He was discussing "change" and how change can cause stress and conflict because it causes loss. That statement has amazing implications in my life the last few weeks. Change of administration is a loss on my part as far as the election goes. It was a very emotional loss too. The Obama win for President was quite an emotional and gut-wrenching experience for me - perhaps too much so in some ways, but it was, just the same. As time has passed, the emotion has subsided, but I remain wary of what is to come. There are many people around me, with many different opinions as to what is going to happen on many policy fronts, and I have to say that I suspect that NO ONE, including Obama himself, really knows how his administration is going to play out. I do think that over the next four years, I may become even more of a political junkie and advocate - continuing to be educated and knowledgeable.
Change and loss took on another form in my family this past week. My aunt, my Mom's sister, passed away. It was very sad to say goodbye to Aunt June - though we were not always close, mourning her loss so close in time to my Mom's loss has been a difficult thing. Truly, the loss of the two sisters who were at the heart of this family certainly causes loss and causes change.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Monday, November 03, 2008
Winners and Losers
As I anticipate what's going to happen in our country in the next 36 hours, I am saddened as I come to realization that there's a good chance I'm going to be on the losing side in tomorrow's elections. I realize that people need to vote their conscience, and there are many people who think that a full-fledged Democratic government in Congress and the White House is exactly what our country needs. Part of my sadness is the fact that I am convinced, that in many ways, my family - all three generations - will be worse off in four years than we are now. I am saddened when I think of the ways our country could potentially change in the next four years - both economically and spiritually. I am saddened that someone with so little substance has been able to hypnotize the public and convince the public that "change" is good - without explaining to the public exactly what that change is.
I confess that part of my sadness comes from my ego. It's hard to be on the losing side after having been on the winning side for eight years. Although many would say that the last 8 years have been terrible, I am glad that we have had the leadership we had. I can't imagine how different the aftermath of 9/11 would have been if we would have had different leadership.
At the same point in time, I am again becoming discouraged by the work I am doing here every day. It seems that this feeling of malaise is covering a wide spectrum in my life. I am feeling again that my work and my efforts have very little effect on the defendants and victims that I am dealing with. I am discouraged by the response of the judicial system and the different players within it. Here, as in our nation in general, we're latching onto the victim mentality - a mentality that even though we are the agents of terrible acts - acts that hurt others - that somehow, a pat on the back and a couple drug treatment sessions are the "punishment" that we should get. That somehow, we can blame our troubles on our diseases, and not take responsibility for the outcomes of those diseases.
It's a discouraging time - nationwide and in my own life. I am reminded that even in, and sometimes especially during, these discouraging times, I am to remain thankful and to be reminded of the blessings I have. I confess, my thankfulness has been shallow. Also, it's important to be reminded in these times that our salvation and comfort doesn't come at the hand of politicians or even at the hand of our work and its' results - but at the hand of God. Now, if I can just remember that......
I confess that part of my sadness comes from my ego. It's hard to be on the losing side after having been on the winning side for eight years. Although many would say that the last 8 years have been terrible, I am glad that we have had the leadership we had. I can't imagine how different the aftermath of 9/11 would have been if we would have had different leadership.
At the same point in time, I am again becoming discouraged by the work I am doing here every day. It seems that this feeling of malaise is covering a wide spectrum in my life. I am feeling again that my work and my efforts have very little effect on the defendants and victims that I am dealing with. I am discouraged by the response of the judicial system and the different players within it. Here, as in our nation in general, we're latching onto the victim mentality - a mentality that even though we are the agents of terrible acts - acts that hurt others - that somehow, a pat on the back and a couple drug treatment sessions are the "punishment" that we should get. That somehow, we can blame our troubles on our diseases, and not take responsibility for the outcomes of those diseases.
It's a discouraging time - nationwide and in my own life. I am reminded that even in, and sometimes especially during, these discouraging times, I am to remain thankful and to be reminded of the blessings I have. I confess, my thankfulness has been shallow. Also, it's important to be reminded in these times that our salvation and comfort doesn't come at the hand of politicians or even at the hand of our work and its' results - but at the hand of God. Now, if I can just remember that......
Friday, October 17, 2008
Looking Back at 40
It's hard to believe, and somewhat frustrating, that it's been so long since I've written on my blog. The last month has been an absolute whirlwind, but thankfully, even today, the Lord has given me a little respite by having cases bumped by other things. It offers me this chance to sit down and reflect a little - a particularly timely activity as I recently celebrated my 41st birthday and my 9th anniversary.
It's hard to believe how fast time has passed, and the past month is a true reflection of the bigger picture. I have been involved in two jury trials - both of which didn't go how I had hoped. They were both mentally, physically and emotionally challenging and draining experiences, but in a weird way, they have validated what I do, and have reminded me that this is truly where I am called to be. They have presented me with chances to work on behalf of someone else, and to put my own life and problems in perspective. As a side reward, they have also reminded me of where I have been the last few months, and how my life was changed.
Both cases were cases of motor vehicle fatalities, and both cases put me front and center for my work with victim's families. It had been my hope that these cases would have resolved themselves through the trials, but the one case - a three year old case - ended in a mistrial - thus dragging out the pain for the family. Even today, when again, I thought the case would be resolved soon, twists and turns have postponed that closure. It is so hard for me because I wanted closure for this family, and because it is out of my control, and (in my humble opinion) the defendant has not stepped up to the plate, that closure has still not happened. It has been a lesson that closure (along with anything else) is not in my grasp - that the Lord teaches me through that fact, and though I have tried to be faithful in my service to Him through these cases, I have to continue to serve, because the case is not closed.
The other lesson that has been forefront in my mind the last few weeks - both at work and at home - comes from a sermon a few weeks ago. I have really been challenge by the concept of looking at people and treating people - whoever they are - in a way that reflects the fact that they are made in the image of God. I supposed that it's common for believers not to grasp that everyone - including non-believers - are made in God's image, and that we are called to respond to them in that way. I have really been challenged in that ideal. I have deal with juries, with defendants, with judges, with defense attorneys and with people in my own office in a variety of ways - many of which do not reflect that they are created in God's image. I have been reminded of that frequently by the Spirit in the last few weeks, and have realized how short of that ideal I have fallen. It has not driven me to the cross as it should, but the Lord has at least opened my heart to the fact of my sin. A good thing, as long as I grasp His grace as well.
At home, I have been reminded of the same. I have realized that in many situations, I have fallen short of remembering that my own children, whom I claim to love, are also made in God's image. I have realized that my temper is short, that my anger is quick, and my love is sometimes much more shallow that I'm willing to admit. God has blessed me with my family, and I do love them deeply - just carrying that out is hard in the day to day.
So, as I continue to remind myself of God's image in those around, I close with a thought about my Dad. In the past month, one of the high points was having my Dad sitting in the courtroom during both of my trials. He gained popularity with the victim's family and with people in my office. He spent days here watching the in's and out's of the trials. It was a thrill to have him here, and I was thrilled he could see the fruits of his labors and his efforts. I saddens me that Mom didn't have that chance, and in a round-about way, his presence caused me to miss Mom a little bit more. I know that the next couple months may get harder, as we celebrate the holidays. I pray that I will remember she too, was made in His image, and that in spite of her shortcomings, her love was true and deep - perhaps a lesson I could take from her.
It's hard to believe how fast time has passed, and the past month is a true reflection of the bigger picture. I have been involved in two jury trials - both of which didn't go how I had hoped. They were both mentally, physically and emotionally challenging and draining experiences, but in a weird way, they have validated what I do, and have reminded me that this is truly where I am called to be. They have presented me with chances to work on behalf of someone else, and to put my own life and problems in perspective. As a side reward, they have also reminded me of where I have been the last few months, and how my life was changed.
Both cases were cases of motor vehicle fatalities, and both cases put me front and center for my work with victim's families. It had been my hope that these cases would have resolved themselves through the trials, but the one case - a three year old case - ended in a mistrial - thus dragging out the pain for the family. Even today, when again, I thought the case would be resolved soon, twists and turns have postponed that closure. It is so hard for me because I wanted closure for this family, and because it is out of my control, and (in my humble opinion) the defendant has not stepped up to the plate, that closure has still not happened. It has been a lesson that closure (along with anything else) is not in my grasp - that the Lord teaches me through that fact, and though I have tried to be faithful in my service to Him through these cases, I have to continue to serve, because the case is not closed.
The other lesson that has been forefront in my mind the last few weeks - both at work and at home - comes from a sermon a few weeks ago. I have really been challenge by the concept of looking at people and treating people - whoever they are - in a way that reflects the fact that they are made in the image of God. I supposed that it's common for believers not to grasp that everyone - including non-believers - are made in God's image, and that we are called to respond to them in that way. I have really been challenged in that ideal. I have deal with juries, with defendants, with judges, with defense attorneys and with people in my own office in a variety of ways - many of which do not reflect that they are created in God's image. I have been reminded of that frequently by the Spirit in the last few weeks, and have realized how short of that ideal I have fallen. It has not driven me to the cross as it should, but the Lord has at least opened my heart to the fact of my sin. A good thing, as long as I grasp His grace as well.
At home, I have been reminded of the same. I have realized that in many situations, I have fallen short of remembering that my own children, whom I claim to love, are also made in God's image. I have realized that my temper is short, that my anger is quick, and my love is sometimes much more shallow that I'm willing to admit. God has blessed me with my family, and I do love them deeply - just carrying that out is hard in the day to day.
So, as I continue to remind myself of God's image in those around, I close with a thought about my Dad. In the past month, one of the high points was having my Dad sitting in the courtroom during both of my trials. He gained popularity with the victim's family and with people in my office. He spent days here watching the in's and out's of the trials. It was a thrill to have him here, and I was thrilled he could see the fruits of his labors and his efforts. I saddens me that Mom didn't have that chance, and in a round-about way, his presence caused me to miss Mom a little bit more. I know that the next couple months may get harder, as we celebrate the holidays. I pray that I will remember she too, was made in His image, and that in spite of her shortcomings, her love was true and deep - perhaps a lesson I could take from her.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Postcards From the Edge - or - Change.... Hijacked
It definitely seems that the past few weeks have signalled some sort of great change for our culture and society. Looking around, things seem quite dismal. The economy appears to be falling faster than it has in decades, global politics has more and more signs of saber-rattling, and there just seems to be a true disdain for a political campaign that was, at one point, a hopeful opportunity irrelevant of who was elected the next President.
Keeping a stiff upper lip is definitely more and more of a challenge in the face of our circumstances, and I've come to realize that when the idea of "change" is presented, I don't think there's anyone, Republican or Democrat, that doesn't agree there needs to be some change soon.
But what kind of change are we looking for? It's my perception that whether the next President is a Democrat or Republican, the change that we're all really hoping for won't truly come about. I fear, that as in the past, a change in "regime" won't materialize into the type of change that most people are interested in. Change is a concept that has been hijacked by the political scene, and unfortunately, those who believe in God have allowed their concepts of "change" to be minimized by the political ideas of change. My political views are pretty clear, and pretty obvious, and I am not one to shy away from them. Even so, I confess, that I don't think a new leader will result in the lasting and needed change that our nation and our culture needs. Those of us who place our faith in God shoudl be the agents of change - not in a way that we are proseletyzing or Bible-thumping, but in a way that we are trying to show those around us of what real change - change of heart - could offer.
I have truly been convicted over the last few days, as I've begun to become somewhat obsessed about the election in a few weeks, that neither leader is going to offer the real change. I don't have a strong sense that either leader is guided by a saving faith beyond that which will get them in a little bit better with a majority of evangelicals. I do believe that one candidate's positions more clearly reflect some moral and ethical Christian standards, but neither is nearly the strong leader that I wish this country could have.
I am therefore reminded that over the next four or eight years, as our country is led by one of these two men, that God will continue to have His hand on the situation. It's hard to imagaine that God could let certain candidates win, but I've come to ponder the fact that perhaps, we will be driven back to Him, and find that we truly cannot find salvation in our leaders. It's sad that many place their hopes and dreams at the alter of one of these men. They are as failed as anyone elses - each with many visible (and some invisible flaws). I am reminded that my faith cannot be in them, and that irregardless of who wins, hopefully, our country will continue - hopefully on a path that points more towards God than a temporary leader in Washington D.C.
Keeping a stiff upper lip is definitely more and more of a challenge in the face of our circumstances, and I've come to realize that when the idea of "change" is presented, I don't think there's anyone, Republican or Democrat, that doesn't agree there needs to be some change soon.
But what kind of change are we looking for? It's my perception that whether the next President is a Democrat or Republican, the change that we're all really hoping for won't truly come about. I fear, that as in the past, a change in "regime" won't materialize into the type of change that most people are interested in. Change is a concept that has been hijacked by the political scene, and unfortunately, those who believe in God have allowed their concepts of "change" to be minimized by the political ideas of change. My political views are pretty clear, and pretty obvious, and I am not one to shy away from them. Even so, I confess, that I don't think a new leader will result in the lasting and needed change that our nation and our culture needs. Those of us who place our faith in God shoudl be the agents of change - not in a way that we are proseletyzing or Bible-thumping, but in a way that we are trying to show those around us of what real change - change of heart - could offer.
I have truly been convicted over the last few days, as I've begun to become somewhat obsessed about the election in a few weeks, that neither leader is going to offer the real change. I don't have a strong sense that either leader is guided by a saving faith beyond that which will get them in a little bit better with a majority of evangelicals. I do believe that one candidate's positions more clearly reflect some moral and ethical Christian standards, but neither is nearly the strong leader that I wish this country could have.
I am therefore reminded that over the next four or eight years, as our country is led by one of these two men, that God will continue to have His hand on the situation. It's hard to imagaine that God could let certain candidates win, but I've come to ponder the fact that perhaps, we will be driven back to Him, and find that we truly cannot find salvation in our leaders. It's sad that many place their hopes and dreams at the alter of one of these men. They are as failed as anyone elses - each with many visible (and some invisible flaws). I am reminded that my faith cannot be in them, and that irregardless of who wins, hopefully, our country will continue - hopefully on a path that points more towards God than a temporary leader in Washington D.C.
It's been too long since I've posted, and once again I'm sure that experiences and feelings have passed me by. I've been very wrapped up the last few weeks in my work. I had a big trial, which ended in a hung jury - definitely a hard thing considering the time, emotion and focus I put into things. It was a good lesson though - realizing that even the justice system that I try to so hard to work with isn't perfect - that the system that's supposed to convict the criminals and free the innocent is just as flawed as many other human inventions. It's caused me to reassess, once again, my job and how my job interacts with my faith.
I've been challenged in several settings to truly honor God with my work. Considering what I've been through, and sometimes, what I go through from day to day, that's a hard thing to remember.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Closing Ceremonies or Opening Ceremonies
The Olympics have been such a fun part of our lives the past couple weeks. We have all enjoyed watching it, and it's hard to believe that it's over. As if extinguishing the Olympic flame wasn't enough "ends" for one week, we've come to the last few days of summer- school starts for the girls on Tuesday. We packed a weekend full of activity in this weekend, and I'm thankful for that. We made so many wonderful memories going to the Magic House, Grant's Farm and swimming. The rest of the family is going to the zoo on Monday, and although I won't be able to make it - I know that it's a wonderful way to end the summer, and I know I'll get details of the zoo as if I had been there.
It's tough to take that breath and move back into the school year mode. This year will be different - Katherine will be at school all day and Elizabeth - two mornings a week. I know that this is just the beginning of moments of "growing up", and unfortunately, I'm finding these moments challenging to push through. I continue to be amazed at how the Lord has blessed me with the love that we all share at home. I am so thankful that I am 6 years into being a parent, and almost 8 years into being a husband and that I treasure these roles more than any other role.
In the same respect, I am somewhat excited as we continue to move into the chapter of our lives that involves kids that are growing. I've definitely felt that Julie and I have become more and more comfortable taking on different roles in our lives - taking on more responsibilities. Julie is going to be leading a group of the women's Bible study at church. I am excited for her as she takes on that job, and know that it's only because the kids are growing that she can manage it. The Lord is using our changing lives in wonderful ways.
Still, the misty sadness of watching kids grow is hard. I love the kids more every day, but know that each thing we are doing with them, and each day we are with them is pointing them towards growing up and growing more independent. Again, as I've said before, I know that's what I'm called to do, but it's hard to do and hard to let go.
It's tough to take that breath and move back into the school year mode. This year will be different - Katherine will be at school all day and Elizabeth - two mornings a week. I know that this is just the beginning of moments of "growing up", and unfortunately, I'm finding these moments challenging to push through. I continue to be amazed at how the Lord has blessed me with the love that we all share at home. I am so thankful that I am 6 years into being a parent, and almost 8 years into being a husband and that I treasure these roles more than any other role.
In the same respect, I am somewhat excited as we continue to move into the chapter of our lives that involves kids that are growing. I've definitely felt that Julie and I have become more and more comfortable taking on different roles in our lives - taking on more responsibilities. Julie is going to be leading a group of the women's Bible study at church. I am excited for her as she takes on that job, and know that it's only because the kids are growing that she can manage it. The Lord is using our changing lives in wonderful ways.
Still, the misty sadness of watching kids grow is hard. I love the kids more every day, but know that each thing we are doing with them, and each day we are with them is pointing them towards growing up and growing more independent. Again, as I've said before, I know that's what I'm called to do, but it's hard to do and hard to let go.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Fall Breezes - Part 2
With the joy that I've experienced over the past few months comes apprehension of the future. I've been studying a great book this summer - "The Quest for More" by Paul Tripp. In the book, the author describes how our fears reveal the things that are important to us - how we should have a healthy and joyful fear for the Lord.
I have been convicted of that in my own life, as I have seen my "fear" of the future gaining strength. In two weeks, two of my kids will have started the new school year, and as much as I thought about the changes when Katherine went to school last fall, the new year holds more changes and some fear for me. Katherine will be heading to first grade and she'll be (as my wife points out) spending more time at school than she does at home. Elizabeth will be starting two mornings a week, and although I probably won't notice much difference, it will be strange knowing that they are both there two mornings a week.
Now don't misunderstand, my fears have no basis in where they will be. God has blessed us richly through their school. The fear that I have is that I am watching my children grow up, and although I often hear that the objective of parenting is to rear Godly children who can be independent, I am not ready to accept and/or stick with that goal. I have watched the love for my children grow in the past few months, and it is a sad proposition to know that their lives are taking a path that will lead them to more and more independence. I confess, the need for their dependence is an idol in my life - I'm not holding any punches, but all the same - it's hard to watch this unfold a little bit more every year.
I am thankful for the time that we have and I know that the fact that we will have less time together in the future will hopefully drive me to utilize our time together even better, but it's hard to let go. They are a blessing and I love them.
I have been convicted of that in my own life, as I have seen my "fear" of the future gaining strength. In two weeks, two of my kids will have started the new school year, and as much as I thought about the changes when Katherine went to school last fall, the new year holds more changes and some fear for me. Katherine will be heading to first grade and she'll be (as my wife points out) spending more time at school than she does at home. Elizabeth will be starting two mornings a week, and although I probably won't notice much difference, it will be strange knowing that they are both there two mornings a week.
Now don't misunderstand, my fears have no basis in where they will be. God has blessed us richly through their school. The fear that I have is that I am watching my children grow up, and although I often hear that the objective of parenting is to rear Godly children who can be independent, I am not ready to accept and/or stick with that goal. I have watched the love for my children grow in the past few months, and it is a sad proposition to know that their lives are taking a path that will lead them to more and more independence. I confess, the need for their dependence is an idol in my life - I'm not holding any punches, but all the same - it's hard to watch this unfold a little bit more every year.
I am thankful for the time that we have and I know that the fact that we will have less time together in the future will hopefully drive me to utilize our time together even better, but it's hard to let go. They are a blessing and I love them.
Fall Breezes - Part 1
The cool August temperatures have reminded me that summer is coming to a close. It has been a wonderful summer - God has truly blessed me with some fantastic family time. My work has been a source of a wide variety of emotions, and so the family time has been a great encouragement to me.
The pool was a big part of our summer. It was also a place where I saw my kids really grow and mature. Both Katherine and Elizabeth started the summer with a lot of "pool apprehension". Katherine was thrilled by the fact she could touch bottom, but didn't really like to put her head under water. Elizabeth was afraid of the water - no other way to put it. She would barely agree to allow her feet to be in the water, and would fuss when we picked her up and held on to her in the pool.
By the end of the "pool time" this summer, Elizabeth was jumping (with me catching her), swimming on her pool noodle (by herself, unbeknownst to her) and loving to be thrown up in the air. Katherine enjoyed a great swim lesson teacher and has really come of age in the pool. Although she cannot swim by herself, she is gaining some coordination and strength, and is excited to continue lessons this fall. She also (with a little encouragement) will repeatedly put her head under water and jump off the side without being caught.
Christopher has not met a body of water he doesn't love. He has enjoyed the big pool from Day 1! He loves to be pulled around in the water and when we sit him on the side, he loves to lean right over, totally trusting that we'll catch him!
It has truly been a wonderful summer, being blessed enough to experience my kids so much of the time. We've had a lot of fun, and I believe God has really given us the time together to grow in our love for each other, and in my case, my love and thankfulness for Him.
The pool was a big part of our summer. It was also a place where I saw my kids really grow and mature. Both Katherine and Elizabeth started the summer with a lot of "pool apprehension". Katherine was thrilled by the fact she could touch bottom, but didn't really like to put her head under water. Elizabeth was afraid of the water - no other way to put it. She would barely agree to allow her feet to be in the water, and would fuss when we picked her up and held on to her in the pool.
By the end of the "pool time" this summer, Elizabeth was jumping (with me catching her), swimming on her pool noodle (by herself, unbeknownst to her) and loving to be thrown up in the air. Katherine enjoyed a great swim lesson teacher and has really come of age in the pool. Although she cannot swim by herself, she is gaining some coordination and strength, and is excited to continue lessons this fall. She also (with a little encouragement) will repeatedly put her head under water and jump off the side without being caught.
Christopher has not met a body of water he doesn't love. He has enjoyed the big pool from Day 1! He loves to be pulled around in the water and when we sit him on the side, he loves to lean right over, totally trusting that we'll catch him!
It has truly been a wonderful summer, being blessed enough to experience my kids so much of the time. We've had a lot of fun, and I believe God has really given us the time together to grow in our love for each other, and in my case, my love and thankfulness for Him.
Friday, August 08, 2008
Letting Go
One of the most difficult things for me to do is to let go of control of many different aspects of my life. This is most clearly reflected in the work I do. I have (or some may say "had") a passion for many aspects of my work, but as I have stayed in my present job, I have become more and more frustrated with the fact that the control I have over various aspects of my job gets less and less. It's kind of twisted in that in conventional wisdom, it would seem that you gain more control over aspects of work the longer you work someplace. But, in my case, for some reason, it is the opposite. The longer I work here, the less control it appears I have over the parts of my job that I'm passionate about.
To resolve this conflict, I have two choices:
1. Try to fight for more control;
2. Let go.
It's the letting go that is honestly starting to win out. I have found that in more and more situations, I realize that my job is not the be all and the end all, and that I just need to let go. It's very hard for me to do that because I love and believe in what I do, and it is often the case that others around me don't. They deal with things in a haphazard and non-nonchalant manner, that often causes me to cringe and bite my tongue. It's so hard, and yet, I think it's what God is teaching me to do. I have come to see that there is so much more in my life that should mean so much more.
Then.... what happens when those other things that mean more begin to fall from my grasp... Uh Oh...
To resolve this conflict, I have two choices:
1. Try to fight for more control;
2. Let go.
It's the letting go that is honestly starting to win out. I have found that in more and more situations, I realize that my job is not the be all and the end all, and that I just need to let go. It's very hard for me to do that because I love and believe in what I do, and it is often the case that others around me don't. They deal with things in a haphazard and non-nonchalant manner, that often causes me to cringe and bite my tongue. It's so hard, and yet, I think it's what God is teaching me to do. I have come to see that there is so much more in my life that should mean so much more.
Then.... what happens when those other things that mean more begin to fall from my grasp... Uh Oh...
Monday, July 14, 2008
The Blessings of Being Strong and Courageous
Unfortuntely, my vacation is officially over this morning. I'm headed back into work. I can't head back though, without taking a few minutes to reflect over one of the most enjoyable weeks I've had in a long time. It's funny, the last few days before my vacation, everyone kept asking me where we were going during my week off - as though travel was required for a relaxing week. I am here to say that one of the most enjoyable ways to spend a vacation is to stay at home. We had an exciting week, and I will treasure this vacation - at home - for a long time to come.
It would be easiest to break the vacation time down into about three parts - Bible School, swimming pool and anything else.
I had a wonderful time this week as Katherine's group leader at Bible School. She is a sponge, and enjoyed soaking in the stories that we looked at, the songs that we sang and quite a bit of application coming away from Bible School. She truly seems to be a little girl who is excited by and drawn to God's love for her.
It was also Elizabeth's first time at Bible School, and she also soaked up so much knowledge. She enjoyed making the many crafts that the pre-schoolers made and has especially enjoyed learning all the motions to the Bible School songs that she and Katherine have learned.
The songs and lessons were a good reminder to me as well. It's amazing that although Bible School is geared to the kids, the grown-ups who are involved learn as well. I have seen God's amazing power to provide and care for me, by giving me this time away from my everyday world.
The other big portion of our vacation was the time spent at the swimming pool. Katherine and I were at the pool every day last week, and most days, Julie, Elizabeth and Christopher joinued us as well. The girls are each growing in their abilities and have used the Bible School lesson of being "strong and courageous" to encourage them to try new things at the pool. Christopher has become a fish in his own right. He has no fear as he leans into the pool from the side, knowing of course, that we are right there to catch him. He's definitely one that needs watching around the pool.
It was a joy to just find time to hang out with the kids and to feel that Julie and I could stay up a little later each night talking. The fact that we had no agenda, no plans and no timetable was a wonderful blessing to our whole family.
I am thankful for the blessings I have in my family, and I am thankful that God gave me this time off to see how blessed I truly am.
It would be easiest to break the vacation time down into about three parts - Bible School, swimming pool and anything else.
I had a wonderful time this week as Katherine's group leader at Bible School. She is a sponge, and enjoyed soaking in the stories that we looked at, the songs that we sang and quite a bit of application coming away from Bible School. She truly seems to be a little girl who is excited by and drawn to God's love for her.
It was also Elizabeth's first time at Bible School, and she also soaked up so much knowledge. She enjoyed making the many crafts that the pre-schoolers made and has especially enjoyed learning all the motions to the Bible School songs that she and Katherine have learned.
The songs and lessons were a good reminder to me as well. It's amazing that although Bible School is geared to the kids, the grown-ups who are involved learn as well. I have seen God's amazing power to provide and care for me, by giving me this time away from my everyday world.
The other big portion of our vacation was the time spent at the swimming pool. Katherine and I were at the pool every day last week, and most days, Julie, Elizabeth and Christopher joinued us as well. The girls are each growing in their abilities and have used the Bible School lesson of being "strong and courageous" to encourage them to try new things at the pool. Christopher has become a fish in his own right. He has no fear as he leans into the pool from the side, knowing of course, that we are right there to catch him. He's definitely one that needs watching around the pool.
It was a joy to just find time to hang out with the kids and to feel that Julie and I could stay up a little later each night talking. The fact that we had no agenda, no plans and no timetable was a wonderful blessing to our whole family.
I am thankful for the blessings I have in my family, and I am thankful that God gave me this time off to see how blessed I truly am.
Saturday, July 05, 2008
Wonderful Distractions
I am thankful that the Lord has given me distraction. It is a wonderful blessing that after only one day away from my office, the Lord has blessed me with the distraction of my life to cause me to relax and enjoy His blessings. I spent a wonderful 4th of July with my family yesterday. It was one of those days that was a blessing in that I saw something through my chidlren's simple eyes and savored that joy. We had the opportuity to go to their first parade in the morning, and then I topped off the day with a "daddy-daughter" date with Katherine on the St. Charles riverfront to ride carnival rides and take in the fireworks. It was an evening of pure, childlike pleasure. For whatever reason, we had never taken the kids to parade or to carnival rides, and after having done so, I found myself vowing to continue to expose the kids to more new experiences. They are coming to the age when new things aren't always scary, and it is a joy to see the fun in their eyes and hear it in their squeals.
The joy continued throughout the weekend as the girls became completely focused on sparklers and fireworks (OK, Katheirne likes the fireworks, Elizabeth does not - yet). I confess my pyrotechnic male side was thrilled at their interest, and at the fact that on July 6, they were sad that the fireworks tents were coming down til next year.
It has been a great weekend, and the week looks good too - God has provided me a wonderful respite from work.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Why in the World?
OK, so I just got back from court, and after listening to a guy in my officer and a defense attorney argue over a sentencing on a guy, I honestly began to wonder why I'm doing the job I'm doing. Most of the time in this hearing was taken up by sarcastic banter and argument over whether the defendant is a "changed man", or whether he's blowing a lot of hot air. As I listened to the two of them go back and forth, I realized that I am completely out of my element. Both of them argue things to the extreme, and do it in the name of "justice". The fact of the matter is that quite a bit of this goes on in court. People run loose and wild with facts, and instead of basing their arguments on facts and judicial issues, they go back and forth, and in the end, the judges sometimes buy into it, failing to do anything close to rational, but instead based on political soundness and "CYA".
Between this and the fact that there is a constant line of attorneys who spend their time calling my boss for a favor instead of practicing real law, I am beginning to wonder whether I belong in this type of environment. If I'm here, and if I'm supposed to be here, shouldn't there be some opportunity for me to make a difference, or am I just being naive and short-sighted?
Finally, to top everything off, the defendant in this above hearing began quoting scripture from the stand. He quoted I Corinthians, explaining how everyone who is in Christ is a new creation, in a very thinly veiled attempt to persuade the judge to give him probation, and not to accept responsibility for his actions.
This is all so screwed up, and simply blaming it on the fall doesn't satisfy me. Where do I fit into this crazy system, and what hope can I have of accomplishing anything with a bunch of people (me included sometimes), who attempt to do nothing but satisfy their egos and their desires to hear themselves talk?
Just some simple thoughts and questions to kick off your weekend.
Between this and the fact that there is a constant line of attorneys who spend their time calling my boss for a favor instead of practicing real law, I am beginning to wonder whether I belong in this type of environment. If I'm here, and if I'm supposed to be here, shouldn't there be some opportunity for me to make a difference, or am I just being naive and short-sighted?
Finally, to top everything off, the defendant in this above hearing began quoting scripture from the stand. He quoted I Corinthians, explaining how everyone who is in Christ is a new creation, in a very thinly veiled attempt to persuade the judge to give him probation, and not to accept responsibility for his actions.
This is all so screwed up, and simply blaming it on the fall doesn't satisfy me. Where do I fit into this crazy system, and what hope can I have of accomplishing anything with a bunch of people (me included sometimes), who attempt to do nothing but satisfy their egos and their desires to hear themselves talk?
Just some simple thoughts and questions to kick off your weekend.
Friday, June 20, 2008
A Good Man
A guy from church that I know and respect called me a "good man" today. Funny how those words happen after a day that shows that I'm far from "good".
I had a crummy day today. It actually started off relatively good, but I slowly became frustrated with many aspects of my life. The over-arching theme of my frustration, though, was that I found myself becoming frustrated with aspects of my personality and personalities of some people around me as well. I struggled for a good part of the day what to do with that frustration.
If I did what many around me at my office do, I would complain to others around me. I would "vent" or (more honestly) degrade those around me and the frustrations I had as they didn't conform to my wishes or whims. I really wanted to do that, and actually, in one instance, I may have done such. It's really hard not to do that. I find myself wanting to "vent", all in the name of getting things off my chest or trying to justify how I feel. But for whatever reason, today, I really was focused on whether that was the right thing to do. Is it right for me to complain or to gossip at the expense of other people? I know, somewhere, that Scripture says "no", but that leaves me with the question of what to do.
I bottle it up inside, and then I find myself realizing that I'm holding grudges, waiting for others around me to respond as I remain quiet. I get annoyed - upset even - that people don't see that I am frustrated and annoyed.
I know that the "bottling up" isn't really good either. It leaves me with grudges, and leaves me waiting for answers and apologies that sometimes I may not get - and when I don't, the annoyance becomes more pronounced.
So, back to square one - what do I do with the frustration. I really don't have the answer - other than the pat answer of "prayer". I know it would help, but I don't know how much it would resolve.
At this point, I'm not sure what to do. I just know that a large part of my day was wasted dealing with people who annoyed me, and then dealing with the results of those interactions.
So, this is a "good man"? I'm not sure, but I will say that after the day I had, it was encouraging to hear it.
I had a crummy day today. It actually started off relatively good, but I slowly became frustrated with many aspects of my life. The over-arching theme of my frustration, though, was that I found myself becoming frustrated with aspects of my personality and personalities of some people around me as well. I struggled for a good part of the day what to do with that frustration.
If I did what many around me at my office do, I would complain to others around me. I would "vent" or (more honestly) degrade those around me and the frustrations I had as they didn't conform to my wishes or whims. I really wanted to do that, and actually, in one instance, I may have done such. It's really hard not to do that. I find myself wanting to "vent", all in the name of getting things off my chest or trying to justify how I feel. But for whatever reason, today, I really was focused on whether that was the right thing to do. Is it right for me to complain or to gossip at the expense of other people? I know, somewhere, that Scripture says "no", but that leaves me with the question of what to do.
I bottle it up inside, and then I find myself realizing that I'm holding grudges, waiting for others around me to respond as I remain quiet. I get annoyed - upset even - that people don't see that I am frustrated and annoyed.
I know that the "bottling up" isn't really good either. It leaves me with grudges, and leaves me waiting for answers and apologies that sometimes I may not get - and when I don't, the annoyance becomes more pronounced.
So, back to square one - what do I do with the frustration. I really don't have the answer - other than the pat answer of "prayer". I know it would help, but I don't know how much it would resolve.
At this point, I'm not sure what to do. I just know that a large part of my day was wasted dealing with people who annoyed me, and then dealing with the results of those interactions.
So, this is a "good man"? I'm not sure, but I will say that after the day I had, it was encouraging to hear it.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
A Sailor's Son Looks at 82
So, in the midst of all the excitement at our house, an important date has kind of slipped, but not really. Today is my Dad's birthday - 82 years and going strong. In the midst of my Mom's death, my relationship with my Dad has taken on a new significance and a new closeness. My Dad and I are very different people. First of all, my Dad was the first McGyver. He can concoct ways to fix things with whatever happens to be around - I guess in the old days, they called that resourceful. I call it amazing. I am one of the worst home improvement people on the planet, so even in the early stages of my middle years, I often find myself calling my Dad to ask him what he can do when something at our house is broken. It is amazing what he comes up with! Anyways, it continues to astound me. Also, my Dad is practical, down to earth and not really a detail person - the small stuff isn't a big problem to him, and it is so wonderful to see how someone lives in the moment and doesn't worry about everything - he just does it. All of this is so "not me", and there are many times that I wish I could be so much more like him.
These practical personality traits have become very helpful to him since my Mom has died, and he just picks up and does what he needs to do. We have offered time and time again to do the tasks that my Mom used to do, but he's taken on those things, and in some small way, I think he finds real accomplishment in preparing meals and doing laundry. We're slowly learning to let him do it, because he needs that kind of self-value right now.
I am very proud of the way he has moved into the next phase of his life since my Mom has gone. I know there is hurt and pain, and in the past few weeks, we have really begun to share some of that with each other. Before, my Dad was the perennial German farmer, not really sharing a whole lot. Fortunately, as we've grown closer in his later years, we've become closer.
In many ways, I am very different than my Dad, but as our relationship grows and changes, I see both of us becoming very similar. We both love children, and we both love sharing our hearts with our families. I am very thankful for the quiet love that he had for me, and I am very thankful for the love that he continues to show to all of us (especially the kids) in his generous ways.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!!
These practical personality traits have become very helpful to him since my Mom has died, and he just picks up and does what he needs to do. We have offered time and time again to do the tasks that my Mom used to do, but he's taken on those things, and in some small way, I think he finds real accomplishment in preparing meals and doing laundry. We're slowly learning to let him do it, because he needs that kind of self-value right now.
I am very proud of the way he has moved into the next phase of his life since my Mom has gone. I know there is hurt and pain, and in the past few weeks, we have really begun to share some of that with each other. Before, my Dad was the perennial German farmer, not really sharing a whole lot. Fortunately, as we've grown closer in his later years, we've become closer.
In many ways, I am very different than my Dad, but as our relationship grows and changes, I see both of us becoming very similar. We both love children, and we both love sharing our hearts with our families. I am very thankful for the quiet love that he had for me, and I am very thankful for the love that he continues to show to all of us (especially the kids) in his generous ways.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!!
Monday, May 19, 2008
Growing Young...
There's been a lull in things at the Bauers the last couple weeks, and we're thankful for that, as the next week will be filled with excitement, and for me, emotion. Friday will be the end of school for Katherine - all done with kindergarten. To add to the tenor of things, it will also be her 6th birthday. I've decided that the fact that these milestones are on the same day will enhance my emotions exponentially, and I'm fully anticipating the excitement and emotion to be very strong.
It is so hard for me to believe how quickly my kids are growing up. To me, it seems impossible that Katherine will be a full-time student in the fall, and that Elizabeth will be following in her footsteps with her first year of pre-school. It is exciting to see them grow, and to watch them mature, but at the same time, it is somewhat sad at times. There have been times when Katherine has definitely begun to show the young girl propensity to run off with her friends, and, unbeknownst to her, leave her parents behind wondering when she grew up.
I am so proud of her and of Elizabeth. Now, don't think I'm forgetting Christopher - he's still at home, and I'm just beginning to experience the joys of having a boy, so I'm not feeling too sentimental about him. But, on the other hand, my girls are growing, and watching them grow brings a strong mixture of joy and bittersweet sadness. It is a joy, first and foremost, to see them growing in the Lord. Both girls love learning about Jesus, and it is a joy to see the hopeful roots of a strong faith taking hold. They have challenged me in the depth of my own faith, and have caused me to grow too. Talk about the child caring for the parent.
Of course, all of this comes on the heels of my Mom being gone - which has begun to make me realize how much I'm growing up. In many ways, my life has changed so much too. The problem is, I'm thankful for my growth, but a little sad for my children's. Could it only be that they would remain small and tender while I grew more wise and faithful? Unfortunately, one won't happen without the other, and neither one will actually happen. So goes the time....
It is so hard for me to believe how quickly my kids are growing up. To me, it seems impossible that Katherine will be a full-time student in the fall, and that Elizabeth will be following in her footsteps with her first year of pre-school. It is exciting to see them grow, and to watch them mature, but at the same time, it is somewhat sad at times. There have been times when Katherine has definitely begun to show the young girl propensity to run off with her friends, and, unbeknownst to her, leave her parents behind wondering when she grew up.
I am so proud of her and of Elizabeth. Now, don't think I'm forgetting Christopher - he's still at home, and I'm just beginning to experience the joys of having a boy, so I'm not feeling too sentimental about him. But, on the other hand, my girls are growing, and watching them grow brings a strong mixture of joy and bittersweet sadness. It is a joy, first and foremost, to see them growing in the Lord. Both girls love learning about Jesus, and it is a joy to see the hopeful roots of a strong faith taking hold. They have challenged me in the depth of my own faith, and have caused me to grow too. Talk about the child caring for the parent.
Of course, all of this comes on the heels of my Mom being gone - which has begun to make me realize how much I'm growing up. In many ways, my life has changed so much too. The problem is, I'm thankful for my growth, but a little sad for my children's. Could it only be that they would remain small and tender while I grew more wise and faithful? Unfortunately, one won't happen without the other, and neither one will actually happen. So goes the time....
Saturday, May 03, 2008
One Month
It's hard to believe that my Mom has been gone for one month today. In some ways, because of all the things that have gone on during this past month, it really doesn't seem that long. Oddly enough, I've been more focused on other "sitautions" in the past few weeks, which in some ways, has drawn my heart and mind away from this loss. Now, because of the resolution of those things in my heart and mind, the "anniversary" makes this a little more prominent.
Unfortunately, even the happy experience of going to the circus with the girls and my Dad made the passing of my Mom a little more of the forefront thought today. It goes back to the "new normal" syndrome - realizing that my Dad is the one that's left to share so many experiences and memories with them. My Dad's presence in their lives is something I'm very thankful for. As far as the relationship that my girls have with my parents - the relationship with my Dad has been the more prominent. He is a very interactive and loving grandfather, and I know his love for them is incredibly evident to them.
Still, the absence of my Mom reminds me that there's no one else for my Dad to share those experiences with - even second hand. It always made her extremely happy to know that my Dad was enjoying time with his grand-kids. As I think back, it was a very selfless attitude that she had - at times it was more important that he was with them than if she was with them.
The days and the emotions ebb and flow. Today was just one of the days I realized that she was really gone.
Unfortunately, even the happy experience of going to the circus with the girls and my Dad made the passing of my Mom a little more of the forefront thought today. It goes back to the "new normal" syndrome - realizing that my Dad is the one that's left to share so many experiences and memories with them. My Dad's presence in their lives is something I'm very thankful for. As far as the relationship that my girls have with my parents - the relationship with my Dad has been the more prominent. He is a very interactive and loving grandfather, and I know his love for them is incredibly evident to them.
Still, the absence of my Mom reminds me that there's no one else for my Dad to share those experiences with - even second hand. It always made her extremely happy to know that my Dad was enjoying time with his grand-kids. As I think back, it was a very selfless attitude that she had - at times it was more important that he was with them than if she was with them.
The days and the emotions ebb and flow. Today was just one of the days I realized that she was really gone.
Friday, May 02, 2008
"Healthy" Skepticism
I've been confronted with the concept of skepticism in the past few days, and I've pondered how skepticism and the idea of being a skeptic fits in with my faith. People say that it's always good to have a healthy dose of skepticism when approaching situations and people, but I've come to wonder whether it can honestly be healthy, or whether approaching people with that worldly attitude is wrong. And, it may be that it's not a clear cut issue - when you become skeptical, it is usually based on experiences and situations that you've confronted within the confines of our everyday lives.
That being said, I can't help but think that being skeptical is a form of judgment. Being skeptical causes one to have a pre-conceived notion about another person, whether there are valid circumstances to have that notion or not. Being skeptical is not a common description that I would hope others would think of when they think of me, but I confess, I fear that there are those who do perceive me as such. I can't help but think that the mere fact that they think I'm skeptical is a result of a way that I have treated them or interacted with them in the past. Which leads me to wonder the reasoning and feelings left behind by that previous contact that they had with me - whether my skepticism or quick judgement is the basis of their opinion.
That being said, I can't help but think that being skeptical is a form of judgment. Being skeptical causes one to have a pre-conceived notion about another person, whether there are valid circumstances to have that notion or not. Being skeptical is not a common description that I would hope others would think of when they think of me, but I confess, I fear that there are those who do perceive me as such. I can't help but think that the mere fact that they think I'm skeptical is a result of a way that I have treated them or interacted with them in the past. Which leads me to wonder the reasoning and feelings left behind by that previous contact that they had with me - whether my skepticism or quick judgement is the basis of their opinion.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Amazing....
It's been a challenging 24 hours since I've last posted, but I can say with much certainty that I've been grown by this experience. I have been stretched, challenged and blessed because of the lessons I've learned. The blessings that have come my way since I stopped and realized the things I wrote down yesterday have been fast and furious. The conversations and the circumstances have affirmed strongly how wonderful God is and how forgiving God is. To be able to realize sin, look to God to get beyond the sin and be blessed in spite of my sin is a great thing. Now, as to the challenges, they are going to take as much grace and strength as what I've already gone through, but I'm convinced that those changes will happen - and not because of my strength or motivation, but because of the strength God will give me.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Realizing Your Sin
It's always hard, when in the midst of a down time in your life, you realize that part of the reason you're down is nothing more than your own sin. Such has been the case in the past few days. For some reason, I guess I could call it God's grace, I've realized that part of my sadness has been nothing more than my own sin and my own inward focus. My sadness, loss and emptiness are real emotions, and they are emotions that I've really struggled with in light of a lot that has happened over the past few weeks, but I've been challenged and convicted that they are emotions that others in similar situations are also also living with.
A big part of this realization has come on the heels of my friend leaving town. I've realized that although he is leaving us, it is his circumstance that is changing much more drastically than mine. I will truly miss him and will cherish the HOURS we spent together, but he is the one who has moved away. His life is changing much more substantially, and instead of hanging my head in total self pity, I should be reminding him of how much he meant to us and how much we are glad that God has called him to this opportunity - an opportunity that is something he's looking forward to and an opportunity out of which he will certainly be better with.
Yeah, realization of sin is always hard. There's a line in the song I quoted a few days ago - "In the pain, There is healing" and the line has caught my attention as I've listened to the song over and over. I've kind of wondered what it particularly meant - how I was going to find any healing in my pain? Perhaps that's what has just happened.
A big part of this realization has come on the heels of my friend leaving town. I've realized that although he is leaving us, it is his circumstance that is changing much more drastically than mine. I will truly miss him and will cherish the HOURS we spent together, but he is the one who has moved away. His life is changing much more substantially, and instead of hanging my head in total self pity, I should be reminding him of how much he meant to us and how much we are glad that God has called him to this opportunity - an opportunity that is something he's looking forward to and an opportunity out of which he will certainly be better with.
Yeah, realization of sin is always hard. There's a line in the song I quoted a few days ago - "In the pain, There is healing" and the line has caught my attention as I've listened to the song over and over. I've kind of wondered what it particularly meant - how I was going to find any healing in my pain? Perhaps that's what has just happened.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Saying Goodbye
Saying goodbye has been a big part of my life lately. I have always had hard times saying goodbye, and many times, as is the case with the present circumstances, I find the impact of saying goodbye is a delayed one.
Obviously, saying goodbye to my Mom and grasping for the day to day implications of her death has been a huge deal, one that I'm truly just beginning to realize the full impact. It's been a tough couple of weeks realizing those implications. The difference, although not a daily difference, has been one that has kept me from being as productive at work as I should be. I've found myself losing concentration and recalling certain times and moments of my Mom's life - especially the times she had with my kids. I do find it interesting that there are more memories right now of her with my kids than memories of her and me. Perhaps it's just the fact that so much of my life, her life and our lives together has been centered around them.
The goodbyes also came fast and furious with a good friend of mine this past week. He has been a good friend of mine since he came to St. Louis, and I (and Julie) are sad to see him and his family leaving. We had the opportunity to develop a great friendship, and he was a good teacher to me about some issues that we had with Katherine a few years back. He was very encouraging and supportive of all the things we did to help her. I am very thankful for that.
More than that, I am thankful for the friendship and the group of friends that he is (not was, but IS) a part of.
I stumbled across this song and video on iTunes, and it seems to again convey a lot of the thoughts I've had as I think back on this friendship and on the relationship I shared with my Mom. I've been reminded of the temporary nature of life and relationships. I've been reminded that you never know the last time of something has happened until it's over - makes you want to make the most of every day.
Obviously, saying goodbye to my Mom and grasping for the day to day implications of her death has been a huge deal, one that I'm truly just beginning to realize the full impact. It's been a tough couple of weeks realizing those implications. The difference, although not a daily difference, has been one that has kept me from being as productive at work as I should be. I've found myself losing concentration and recalling certain times and moments of my Mom's life - especially the times she had with my kids. I do find it interesting that there are more memories right now of her with my kids than memories of her and me. Perhaps it's just the fact that so much of my life, her life and our lives together has been centered around them.
The goodbyes also came fast and furious with a good friend of mine this past week. He has been a good friend of mine since he came to St. Louis, and I (and Julie) are sad to see him and his family leaving. We had the opportunity to develop a great friendship, and he was a good teacher to me about some issues that we had with Katherine a few years back. He was very encouraging and supportive of all the things we did to help her. I am very thankful for that.
More than that, I am thankful for the friendship and the group of friends that he is (not was, but IS) a part of.
I stumbled across this song and video on iTunes, and it seems to again convey a lot of the thoughts I've had as I think back on this friendship and on the relationship I shared with my Mom. I've been reminded of the temporary nature of life and relationships. I've been reminded that you never know the last time of something has happened until it's over - makes you want to make the most of every day.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
My thoughts, and the thoughts of others
Last nite was our monthly deacon's meeting at church. I had volunteered myself to give a short testimony as to how God had worked in my life through the circumstances of the last month, but in a rare twist of God's providence & my will, it didn't happen. I thought I'd pose it here, followed by some lyrics from a song by Lifehouse (a continuing favorite group) that has gone into heavy rotation on my iPod.
Phillipians 1:3-11 - 3 I thank my God every time I remember you. 4 In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy 5 because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, 6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
7 It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me. 8 God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.
9 And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, 10 so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, 11 filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.
This was the passage that my family’s pastor spoke on at my Mom’s funeral, and I wanted to share a few thoughts about the passage, and how I feel it applies to my life right now.
I never thought that only a few days after I asked for prayers for my family last month, that my Mom would pass away. We knew that her disease was terminal, but we never expected the end of her life to come quite as quickly as it did. As I look back on everything that happened that week, I realize that the thoughts conveyed in the first portion truly convey my thoughts towards all of you. You all have been so gracious and loving towards me and my family in the past few weeks. You have sent cards, you have sent e-mails, you have conveyed your thoughts in person – and not just to me, but for those of you who could make the visitation, to my Dad – this being a real source of witness to him.
As I look back on my life the past few weeks though, I was convicted of how this passage applied to my life. See, I have found myself taking charge of things in the last few weeks – I took the reins of planning and organizing, so that my Dad didn’t have to. I wanted him to be able to focus on him, and so I felt the urge and the “call” to take charge, to protect and to keep on top of things. Also, I became frustrated at those things that I couldn’t complete because of all that has happened in the past few weeks. As tonight’s meeting approached, I began to get frustrated – I even mentioned it to Bill C. this morning, how I had great intentions last month, of following up with so many things on our agenda – moving those things ahead and keeping the cause of work on a march.
I realize that I am worshipping at the idol of my ability to complete, and that God has truly used these past few weeks to convict me of my wrong idea of how important I am in the grand scheme of things, versus how important He is in the grand scheme of things.
This certainly isn’t to say that I shouldn’t take responsibility for my responsibilities, but instead, I have built my worth on my ability to take charge and manage things. And, in some ways, I am frustrated because I have fallen short in that ability in the last month.
It’s not me who is going to complete these works, it is Christ Jesus. Just as Christ said “It is finished” on the cross, when HE completed the work of my redemption, He will complete the works that are set in motion for His purposes and in His time. A very difficult thing for many of us to remember. We are so tempted to think that the work we do every day – whether it be as sons, husbands or fathers, is up to us, and that the results that will come will be based on our work. I think that at times, as deacons, we are tempted to think the same way. We think that it depends on what we do whether God’s works of love and mercy will be accomplished. In all honesty, the work that we are doing is nothing more than the outcome of God’s work in us. We need to focus on what God is doing in our lives and in our hearts, and then let Him push us towards what we want to accomplish.
It’s important that we persist in our work on the diaconate, but we need to remember that our work is only an outcome of what God has already done, and He is completing His work through us – we are not completing the work.
Finally, in the past few weeks, many of you have asked about my Mom – whether she was a believer or not. I don’t honestly know the answer to that, but even in that, God has reminded me that it is His work, through the Spirit, that answers that question. I cling to a hope that He did reach my Mom’s heart, and look for completion in His work, not mine. God completes my hope in my Mom’s salvation, nothing that I did.
"Broken":
The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you
The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
Is *there* healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you
I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
*And*I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will
I will be okay
Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
Haven't forgotten my way home
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you
Phillipians 1:3-11 - 3 I thank my God every time I remember you. 4 In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy 5 because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, 6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
7 It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me. 8 God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.
9 And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, 10 so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, 11 filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.
This was the passage that my family’s pastor spoke on at my Mom’s funeral, and I wanted to share a few thoughts about the passage, and how I feel it applies to my life right now.
I never thought that only a few days after I asked for prayers for my family last month, that my Mom would pass away. We knew that her disease was terminal, but we never expected the end of her life to come quite as quickly as it did. As I look back on everything that happened that week, I realize that the thoughts conveyed in the first portion truly convey my thoughts towards all of you. You all have been so gracious and loving towards me and my family in the past few weeks. You have sent cards, you have sent e-mails, you have conveyed your thoughts in person – and not just to me, but for those of you who could make the visitation, to my Dad – this being a real source of witness to him.
As I look back on my life the past few weeks though, I was convicted of how this passage applied to my life. See, I have found myself taking charge of things in the last few weeks – I took the reins of planning and organizing, so that my Dad didn’t have to. I wanted him to be able to focus on him, and so I felt the urge and the “call” to take charge, to protect and to keep on top of things. Also, I became frustrated at those things that I couldn’t complete because of all that has happened in the past few weeks. As tonight’s meeting approached, I began to get frustrated – I even mentioned it to Bill C. this morning, how I had great intentions last month, of following up with so many things on our agenda – moving those things ahead and keeping the cause of work on a march.
I realize that I am worshipping at the idol of my ability to complete, and that God has truly used these past few weeks to convict me of my wrong idea of how important I am in the grand scheme of things, versus how important He is in the grand scheme of things.
This certainly isn’t to say that I shouldn’t take responsibility for my responsibilities, but instead, I have built my worth on my ability to take charge and manage things. And, in some ways, I am frustrated because I have fallen short in that ability in the last month.
It’s not me who is going to complete these works, it is Christ Jesus. Just as Christ said “It is finished” on the cross, when HE completed the work of my redemption, He will complete the works that are set in motion for His purposes and in His time. A very difficult thing for many of us to remember. We are so tempted to think that the work we do every day – whether it be as sons, husbands or fathers, is up to us, and that the results that will come will be based on our work. I think that at times, as deacons, we are tempted to think the same way. We think that it depends on what we do whether God’s works of love and mercy will be accomplished. In all honesty, the work that we are doing is nothing more than the outcome of God’s work in us. We need to focus on what God is doing in our lives and in our hearts, and then let Him push us towards what we want to accomplish.
It’s important that we persist in our work on the diaconate, but we need to remember that our work is only an outcome of what God has already done, and He is completing His work through us – we are not completing the work.
Finally, in the past few weeks, many of you have asked about my Mom – whether she was a believer or not. I don’t honestly know the answer to that, but even in that, God has reminded me that it is His work, through the Spirit, that answers that question. I cling to a hope that He did reach my Mom’s heart, and look for completion in His work, not mine. God completes my hope in my Mom’s salvation, nothing that I did.
"Broken":
The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you
The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
Is *there* healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you
I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
*And*I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will
I will be okay
Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
Haven't forgotten my way home
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you
Monday, April 21, 2008
Mental Exercise
For the past 5 1/2 years, I have been successful (to varying degrees) with my exercise/weight battle. When I first started exercising and dieting, I lost about 90 pounds - quite a feat and a feat that I was very proud of. Since my initial loss, I have bounced back and forth within the lower 30 pounds of that range. It's quite frustrating as my weight loss/exercise regimen has become as much, if not more, about my mental attitude about things. It takes a serious mental effort to get up and exercise, and I've had less and less success with that as the years have passed. Of course, these thoughts come on an "upswing", and I'm trying to figure out how to tackle this hurdle once again. I have always been amazed that dieting and exercise are as much of a mental issue as a physical one. It's amazing how the mental/emotional aspects of my life play into my success, or lack therof.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
The "New Normal"
Two weeks ago, on April 3, my Mom passed away. She had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in November, 2006, and we were truly blessed with 16 months that we didn't expect to have. Although we experienced a lot of joy in that intervening time, losing her was still a shock, in some ways. Her health declined quickly - she went from her last doctor's appointment to death in 9 days. We knew that things were getting worse, but it was a total shock how quickly she passed in the end.
So, since that day, I've been living life in what I refer to as a "new normal". Losing a parent is a surreal experience, even when they live a few minutes away. You find that you've become programmed and have adapted to certain things - little things like calls on the way home from work or discussions about our children that come to a quick halt.
We are thankful that my folks lived close to us for 5 1/2 years before she died. In those 5 1/2 years, my relationship with my parents took on a different dimmension - that of a relationship between a parent and adult child. I learned that the time in my life had come that it was just as much my job to care for them as it had been their job to care for me earlier in life. I am still figuring that out with my Dad, as he is alone, but the time I had with my folks nearby helped a lot.
The experience of losing a parent is a difficult one to quantify in words, and the experience of grieving is different for everyone. For me, the initial time, while we were taking care of details, went quickly and I found myself focused on the tasks at hand. It was only after things started to quiet down that I found myself facing this reality of someone I love being gone.
Now, that the initial "busy-ness" of planning a funeral has subsided, and since I've returned to work after a two week vacation, I've begun to settle into a "new normal" - a normal without her. In some ways, that normal is a little easier for my Dad and I. It was a challenge to take care of her and to reassure her that once she was gone, that I would take care of my Dad in a way that left her confident that all would be OK.
But in many other ways, the "new normal" is difficult. It's difficult to think of our family - our extended family - without her. It's still not quite a concrete thought to realize that there will be one less person at all of our family get-togethers - both immediate and extended. Finally, it's strange to think about the fact that someone who was so much of who I have become will not be a part of my family's day to day existence, and that because of that absence, the relationship between my Dad and I will have to change. Mom was the organizer, the scheduler and the planner. She was the one that was the point person for the rest of the family to make plans with us. We planned a lot of things through her, and she did a wonderful job managing all the details. Now, it will be up to us to decide whether we should tackle the details in the same manner, or whether we simply make up new rules. All difficult decisions and things to fathom from day to day.
So, since that day, I've been living life in what I refer to as a "new normal". Losing a parent is a surreal experience, even when they live a few minutes away. You find that you've become programmed and have adapted to certain things - little things like calls on the way home from work or discussions about our children that come to a quick halt.
We are thankful that my folks lived close to us for 5 1/2 years before she died. In those 5 1/2 years, my relationship with my parents took on a different dimmension - that of a relationship between a parent and adult child. I learned that the time in my life had come that it was just as much my job to care for them as it had been their job to care for me earlier in life. I am still figuring that out with my Dad, as he is alone, but the time I had with my folks nearby helped a lot.
The experience of losing a parent is a difficult one to quantify in words, and the experience of grieving is different for everyone. For me, the initial time, while we were taking care of details, went quickly and I found myself focused on the tasks at hand. It was only after things started to quiet down that I found myself facing this reality of someone I love being gone.
Now, that the initial "busy-ness" of planning a funeral has subsided, and since I've returned to work after a two week vacation, I've begun to settle into a "new normal" - a normal without her. In some ways, that normal is a little easier for my Dad and I. It was a challenge to take care of her and to reassure her that once she was gone, that I would take care of my Dad in a way that left her confident that all would be OK.
But in many other ways, the "new normal" is difficult. It's difficult to think of our family - our extended family - without her. It's still not quite a concrete thought to realize that there will be one less person at all of our family get-togethers - both immediate and extended. Finally, it's strange to think about the fact that someone who was so much of who I have become will not be a part of my family's day to day existence, and that because of that absence, the relationship between my Dad and I will have to change. Mom was the organizer, the scheduler and the planner. She was the one that was the point person for the rest of the family to make plans with us. We planned a lot of things through her, and she did a wonderful job managing all the details. Now, it will be up to us to decide whether we should tackle the details in the same manner, or whether we simply make up new rules. All difficult decisions and things to fathom from day to day.
Why Blog?
It seems like every few months, I find myself thinking that I should sit down and continue the blog I started so faithfully several years ago. Usually, some event happens that makes me wish I would write things down. But, many times, I've stopped short, because I've wondered what the purpose of putting everything down in a blog really is.
I think in some ways, we blog out of a sense of self-importance. We have things occur in our lives, and we feel the need to share them with others around because we think everyone needs to know. It's a socially acceptable way of saying "Look at me. See what I'm doing. Take notice of my life". I find that somewhat offensive, and definitely not a Biblical reasoning.
Another reason, and I can't take personal credit for this reason for blogging, is that blogging becomes a sort of therapy. We put all of our thoughts and musings down because we as humans, are inanately social and communal. We have the built-in need for community - the need to share. When significant events happen, one of the ways we process those needs is by making them a part of our community - calling someone on the phone, telling things to our neighbors and close friends. Blogging takes the place of that for some. That is also an unfortunate side-effect of our society today - that many of us don't have the "real" outlets in our community to share the events that make up who we are. We find the need to use the blog as our therpeutic and community outlet.
Finally (and my list is not exhaustive, I'm sure) there is the reason of journalling. We want to blog so that in the future we can look back and remember that time in our lives. I used to journal when I was in school, and even now, when I look back, the feelings and emotions that I was experiencing come back quite vividly as I read journal entries from years ago. Entries from times in my life that are so different from my life now that unless I wrote things down, I would have no way of experiencing those emotions again.
So, with that analysis, I'm going to start blogging again. Why am I blogging? I'd like to think that it's the journalling that I'm going after. Perhaps there are tinges of the others mixed in, but the joy of being able to look back, years from now, and experienece the blessings and the struggles - that is my desire why. If I find myself leaning farther into the other reason - a reason that I perceive as a "not so good" reason, I may stop again - who knows.
I think in some ways, we blog out of a sense of self-importance. We have things occur in our lives, and we feel the need to share them with others around because we think everyone needs to know. It's a socially acceptable way of saying "Look at me. See what I'm doing. Take notice of my life". I find that somewhat offensive, and definitely not a Biblical reasoning.
Another reason, and I can't take personal credit for this reason for blogging, is that blogging becomes a sort of therapy. We put all of our thoughts and musings down because we as humans, are inanately social and communal. We have the built-in need for community - the need to share. When significant events happen, one of the ways we process those needs is by making them a part of our community - calling someone on the phone, telling things to our neighbors and close friends. Blogging takes the place of that for some. That is also an unfortunate side-effect of our society today - that many of us don't have the "real" outlets in our community to share the events that make up who we are. We find the need to use the blog as our therpeutic and community outlet.
Finally (and my list is not exhaustive, I'm sure) there is the reason of journalling. We want to blog so that in the future we can look back and remember that time in our lives. I used to journal when I was in school, and even now, when I look back, the feelings and emotions that I was experiencing come back quite vividly as I read journal entries from years ago. Entries from times in my life that are so different from my life now that unless I wrote things down, I would have no way of experiencing those emotions again.
So, with that analysis, I'm going to start blogging again. Why am I blogging? I'd like to think that it's the journalling that I'm going after. Perhaps there are tinges of the others mixed in, but the joy of being able to look back, years from now, and experienece the blessings and the struggles - that is my desire why. If I find myself leaning farther into the other reason - a reason that I perceive as a "not so good" reason, I may stop again - who knows.
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