Last nite was our monthly deacon's meeting at church. I had volunteered myself to give a short testimony as to how God had worked in my life through the circumstances of the last month, but in a rare twist of God's providence & my will, it didn't happen. I thought I'd pose it here, followed by some lyrics from a song by Lifehouse (a continuing favorite group) that has gone into heavy rotation on my iPod.
Phillipians 1:3-11 - 3 I thank my God every time I remember you. 4 In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy 5 because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, 6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
7 It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me. 8 God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.
9 And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, 10 so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, 11 filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.
This was the passage that my family’s pastor spoke on at my Mom’s funeral, and I wanted to share a few thoughts about the passage, and how I feel it applies to my life right now.
I never thought that only a few days after I asked for prayers for my family last month, that my Mom would pass away. We knew that her disease was terminal, but we never expected the end of her life to come quite as quickly as it did. As I look back on everything that happened that week, I realize that the thoughts conveyed in the first portion truly convey my thoughts towards all of you. You all have been so gracious and loving towards me and my family in the past few weeks. You have sent cards, you have sent e-mails, you have conveyed your thoughts in person – and not just to me, but for those of you who could make the visitation, to my Dad – this being a real source of witness to him.
As I look back on my life the past few weeks though, I was convicted of how this passage applied to my life. See, I have found myself taking charge of things in the last few weeks – I took the reins of planning and organizing, so that my Dad didn’t have to. I wanted him to be able to focus on him, and so I felt the urge and the “call” to take charge, to protect and to keep on top of things. Also, I became frustrated at those things that I couldn’t complete because of all that has happened in the past few weeks. As tonight’s meeting approached, I began to get frustrated – I even mentioned it to Bill C. this morning, how I had great intentions last month, of following up with so many things on our agenda – moving those things ahead and keeping the cause of work on a march.
I realize that I am worshipping at the idol of my ability to complete, and that God has truly used these past few weeks to convict me of my wrong idea of how important I am in the grand scheme of things, versus how important He is in the grand scheme of things.
This certainly isn’t to say that I shouldn’t take responsibility for my responsibilities, but instead, I have built my worth on my ability to take charge and manage things. And, in some ways, I am frustrated because I have fallen short in that ability in the last month.
It’s not me who is going to complete these works, it is Christ Jesus. Just as Christ said “It is finished” on the cross, when HE completed the work of my redemption, He will complete the works that are set in motion for His purposes and in His time. A very difficult thing for many of us to remember. We are so tempted to think that the work we do every day – whether it be as sons, husbands or fathers, is up to us, and that the results that will come will be based on our work. I think that at times, as deacons, we are tempted to think the same way. We think that it depends on what we do whether God’s works of love and mercy will be accomplished. In all honesty, the work that we are doing is nothing more than the outcome of God’s work in us. We need to focus on what God is doing in our lives and in our hearts, and then let Him push us towards what we want to accomplish.
It’s important that we persist in our work on the diaconate, but we need to remember that our work is only an outcome of what God has already done, and He is completing His work through us – we are not completing the work.
Finally, in the past few weeks, many of you have asked about my Mom – whether she was a believer or not. I don’t honestly know the answer to that, but even in that, God has reminded me that it is His work, through the Spirit, that answers that question. I cling to a hope that He did reach my Mom’s heart, and look for completion in His work, not mine. God completes my hope in my Mom’s salvation, nothing that I did.
"Broken":
The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you
The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
Is *there* healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you
I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
*And*I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will
I will be okay
Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
Haven't forgotten my way home
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you
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