Amazing....

It's been a challenging 24 hours since I've last posted, but I can say with much certainty that I've been grown by this experience. I have been stretched, challenged and blessed because of the lessons I've learned. The blessings that have come my way since I stopped and realized the things I wrote down yesterday have been fast and furious. The conversations and the circumstances have affirmed strongly how wonderful God is and how forgiving God is. To be able to realize sin, look to God to get beyond the sin and be blessed in spite of my sin is a great thing. Now, as to the challenges, they are going to take as much grace and strength as what I've already gone through, but I'm convinced that those changes will happen - and not because of my strength or motivation, but because of the strength God will give me.

Realizing Your Sin

It's always hard, when in the midst of a down time in your life, you realize that part of the reason you're down is nothing more than your own sin. Such has been the case in the past few days. For some reason, I guess I could call it God's grace, I've realized that part of my sadness has been nothing more than my own sin and my own inward focus. My sadness, loss and emptiness are real emotions, and they are emotions that I've really struggled with in light of a lot that has happened over the past few weeks, but I've been challenged and convicted that they are emotions that others in similar situations are also also living with.
A big part of this realization has come on the heels of my friend leaving town. I've realized that although he is leaving us, it is his circumstance that is changing much more drastically than mine. I will truly miss him and will cherish the HOURS we spent together, but he is the one who has moved away. His life is changing much more substantially, and instead of hanging my head in total self pity, I should be reminding him of how much he meant to us and how much we are glad that God has called him to this opportunity - an opportunity that is something he's looking forward to and an opportunity out of which he will certainly be better with.
Yeah, realization of sin is always hard. There's a line in the song I quoted a few days ago - "In the pain, There is healing" and the line has caught my attention as I've listened to the song over and over. I've kind of wondered what it particularly meant - how I was going to find any healing in my pain? Perhaps that's what has just happened.

Saying Goodbye

Saying goodbye has been a big part of my life lately. I have always had hard times saying goodbye, and many times, as is the case with the present circumstances, I find the impact of saying goodbye is a delayed one.
Obviously, saying goodbye to my Mom and grasping for the day to day implications of her death has been a huge deal, one that I'm truly just beginning to realize the full impact. It's been a tough couple of weeks realizing those implications. The difference, although not a daily difference, has been one that has kept me from being as productive at work as I should be. I've found myself losing concentration and recalling certain times and moments of my Mom's life - especially the times she had with my kids. I do find it interesting that there are more memories right now of her with my kids than memories of her and me. Perhaps it's just the fact that so much of my life, her life and our lives together has been centered around them.
The goodbyes also came fast and furious with a good friend of mine this past week. He has been a good friend of mine since he came to St. Louis, and I (and Julie) are sad to see him and his family leaving. We had the opportunity to develop a great friendship, and he was a good teacher to me about some issues that we had with Katherine a few years back. He was very encouraging and supportive of all the things we did to help her. I am very thankful for that.
More than that, I am thankful for the friendship and the group of friends that he is (not was, but IS) a part of.
I stumbled across this song and video on iTunes, and it seems to again convey a lot of the thoughts I've had as I think back on this friendship and on the relationship I shared with my Mom. I've been reminded of the temporary nature of life and relationships. I've been reminded that you never know the last time of something has happened until it's over - makes you want to make the most of every day.

My thoughts, and the thoughts of others

Last nite was our monthly deacon's meeting at church. I had volunteered myself to give a short testimony as to how God had worked in my life through the circumstances of the last month, but in a rare twist of God's providence & my will, it didn't happen. I thought I'd pose it here, followed by some lyrics from a song by Lifehouse (a continuing favorite group) that has gone into heavy rotation on my iPod.

Phillipians 1:3-11 - 3 I thank my God every time I remember you. 4 In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy 5 because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, 6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
7 It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me. 8 God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.
9 And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, 10 so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, 11 filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.
This was the passage that my family’s pastor spoke on at my Mom’s funeral, and I wanted to share a few thoughts about the passage, and how I feel it applies to my life right now.
I never thought that only a few days after I asked for prayers for my family last month, that my Mom would pass away. We knew that her disease was terminal, but we never expected the end of her life to come quite as quickly as it did. As I look back on everything that happened that week, I realize that the thoughts conveyed in the first portion truly convey my thoughts towards all of you. You all have been so gracious and loving towards me and my family in the past few weeks. You have sent cards, you have sent e-mails, you have conveyed your thoughts in person – and not just to me, but for those of you who could make the visitation, to my Dad – this being a real source of witness to him.
As I look back on my life the past few weeks though, I was convicted of how this passage applied to my life. See, I have found myself taking charge of things in the last few weeks – I took the reins of planning and organizing, so that my Dad didn’t have to. I wanted him to be able to focus on him, and so I felt the urge and the “call” to take charge, to protect and to keep on top of things. Also, I became frustrated at those things that I couldn’t complete because of all that has happened in the past few weeks. As tonight’s meeting approached, I began to get frustrated – I even mentioned it to Bill C. this morning, how I had great intentions last month, of following up with so many things on our agenda – moving those things ahead and keeping the cause of work on a march.
I realize that I am worshipping at the idol of my ability to complete, and that God has truly used these past few weeks to convict me of my wrong idea of how important I am in the grand scheme of things, versus how important He is in the grand scheme of things.
This certainly isn’t to say that I shouldn’t take responsibility for my responsibilities, but instead, I have built my worth on my ability to take charge and manage things. And, in some ways, I am frustrated because I have fallen short in that ability in the last month.
It’s not me who is going to complete these works, it is Christ Jesus. Just as Christ said “It is finished” on the cross, when HE completed the work of my redemption, He will complete the works that are set in motion for His purposes and in His time. A very difficult thing for many of us to remember. We are so tempted to think that the work we do every day – whether it be as sons, husbands or fathers, is up to us, and that the results that will come will be based on our work. I think that at times, as deacons, we are tempted to think the same way. We think that it depends on what we do whether God’s works of love and mercy will be accomplished. In all honesty, the work that we are doing is nothing more than the outcome of God’s work in us. We need to focus on what God is doing in our lives and in our hearts, and then let Him push us towards what we want to accomplish.
It’s important that we persist in our work on the diaconate, but we need to remember that our work is only an outcome of what God has already done, and He is completing His work through us – we are not completing the work.
Finally, in the past few weeks, many of you have asked about my Mom – whether she was a believer or not. I don’t honestly know the answer to that, but even in that, God has reminded me that it is His work, through the Spirit, that answers that question. I cling to a hope that He did reach my Mom’s heart, and look for completion in His work, not mine. God completes my hope in my Mom’s salvation, nothing that I did.


"Broken":
The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time

And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
Is *there* healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
*And*I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will
I will be okay

Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
Haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

Mental Exercise

For the past 5 1/2 years, I have been successful (to varying degrees) with my exercise/weight battle. When I first started exercising and dieting, I lost about 90 pounds - quite a feat and a feat that I was very proud of. Since my initial loss, I have bounced back and forth within the lower 30 pounds of that range. It's quite frustrating as my weight loss/exercise regimen has become as much, if not more, about my mental attitude about things. It takes a serious mental effort to get up and exercise, and I've had less and less success with that as the years have passed. Of course, these thoughts come on an "upswing", and I'm trying to figure out how to tackle this hurdle once again. I have always been amazed that dieting and exercise are as much of a mental issue as a physical one. It's amazing how the mental/emotional aspects of my life play into my success, or lack therof.

The "New Normal"

Two weeks ago, on April 3, my Mom passed away. She had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in November, 2006, and we were truly blessed with 16 months that we didn't expect to have. Although we experienced a lot of joy in that intervening time, losing her was still a shock, in some ways. Her health declined quickly - she went from her last doctor's appointment to death in 9 days. We knew that things were getting worse, but it was a total shock how quickly she passed in the end.
So, since that day, I've been living life in what I refer to as a "new normal". Losing a parent is a surreal experience, even when they live a few minutes away. You find that you've become programmed and have adapted to certain things - little things like calls on the way home from work or discussions about our children that come to a quick halt.
We are thankful that my folks lived close to us for 5 1/2 years before she died. In those 5 1/2 years, my relationship with my parents took on a different dimmension - that of a relationship between a parent and adult child. I learned that the time in my life had come that it was just as much my job to care for them as it had been their job to care for me earlier in life. I am still figuring that out with my Dad, as he is alone, but the time I had with my folks nearby helped a lot.
The experience of losing a parent is a difficult one to quantify in words, and the experience of grieving is different for everyone. For me, the initial time, while we were taking care of details, went quickly and I found myself focused on the tasks at hand. It was only after things started to quiet down that I found myself facing this reality of someone I love being gone.
Now, that the initial "busy-ness" of planning a funeral has subsided, and since I've returned to work after a two week vacation, I've begun to settle into a "new normal" - a normal without her. In some ways, that normal is a little easier for my Dad and I. It was a challenge to take care of her and to reassure her that once she was gone, that I would take care of my Dad in a way that left her confident that all would be OK.
But in many other ways, the "new normal" is difficult. It's difficult to think of our family - our extended family - without her. It's still not quite a concrete thought to realize that there will be one less person at all of our family get-togethers - both immediate and extended. Finally, it's strange to think about the fact that someone who was so much of who I have become will not be a part of my family's day to day existence, and that because of that absence, the relationship between my Dad and I will have to change. Mom was the organizer, the scheduler and the planner. She was the one that was the point person for the rest of the family to make plans with us. We planned a lot of things through her, and she did a wonderful job managing all the details. Now, it will be up to us to decide whether we should tackle the details in the same manner, or whether we simply make up new rules. All difficult decisions and things to fathom from day to day.

Why Blog?

It seems like every few months, I find myself thinking that I should sit down and continue the blog I started so faithfully several years ago. Usually, some event happens that makes me wish I would write things down. But, many times, I've stopped short, because I've wondered what the purpose of putting everything down in a blog really is.
I think in some ways, we blog out of a sense of self-importance. We have things occur in our lives, and we feel the need to share them with others around because we think everyone needs to know. It's a socially acceptable way of saying "Look at me. See what I'm doing. Take notice of my life". I find that somewhat offensive, and definitely not a Biblical reasoning.
Another reason, and I can't take personal credit for this reason for blogging, is that blogging becomes a sort of therapy. We put all of our thoughts and musings down because we as humans, are inanately social and communal. We have the built-in need for community - the need to share. When significant events happen, one of the ways we process those needs is by making them a part of our community - calling someone on the phone, telling things to our neighbors and close friends. Blogging takes the place of that for some. That is also an unfortunate side-effect of our society today - that many of us don't have the "real" outlets in our community to share the events that make up who we are. We find the need to use the blog as our therpeutic and community outlet.
Finally (and my list is not exhaustive, I'm sure) there is the reason of journalling. We want to blog so that in the future we can look back and remember that time in our lives. I used to journal when I was in school, and even now, when I look back, the feelings and emotions that I was experiencing come back quite vividly as I read journal entries from years ago. Entries from times in my life that are so different from my life now that unless I wrote things down, I would have no way of experiencing those emotions again.
So, with that analysis, I'm going to start blogging again. Why am I blogging? I'd like to think that it's the journalling that I'm going after. Perhaps there are tinges of the others mixed in, but the joy of being able to look back, years from now, and experienece the blessings and the struggles - that is my desire why. If I find myself leaning farther into the other reason - a reason that I perceive as a "not so good" reason, I may stop again - who knows.