every day's a new day

Considering where things have gone in the past year, and considering where things are likely to be heading in 2007, I find these words strangely appropriate. Every day is a new day, and every day is another day for God to work within my life and the cirucmstances that I am facing, and the circumstances that I'm likely to face next year.
It hasn't been an easy year, and 2007 promises to be a roller-coaster ride like nothing I've experienced to this point. I know, though, that with God, and thankfully, with the love of my family, God will carry me through. It may not be easy, but it will be my life....

I'm 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
I'm 22 for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we're on fire
Making our way back from Mars
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
I'm 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I'm a they
A kid on the way
A family on my mind
I'm 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy, Time to lose yourself
Within a morning star
15 I'm all right with you
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
Half time goes by
Suddenly you’re wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We're moving on...
I'm 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
15 there's still time for you
22 I feel her too
33 you’re on your way
Every day's a new day...
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose
Hey 15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

peace on earth

It has been a disillusiong, difficult Advent this year. I have struggled, sometimes more than others, with finding the time and energy to focus on the experience that Christmas as a believer with two small children can be. It has been hard to do that. This has been less than happy month, and knowing that the future holds sadness has also made it very difficult to focus on the here and now. I have wanted so much more out of this Christmas.
I wanted a month filled with seeing Christmas through the eyes of my children, and in all reality, there have been glimpses of that from time to time. Katherine and Elizabeth have had their moments of wonderment, and although few and far between, they have been a thrill. I have also seen some of the true meaning of Christmas through their eyes as well. Katherine certainly is able to recount most of the Christmas story to me, and she is quick to ask questions about Christ's birth and His life, which is a real joy.
Those moments though, have been interspersed in between a lot of moments of frustration with the sinful world that exists. We have mourned the loss of a friend's baby and begun to mourn the loss of my mother - not exactly the expected Advent activities.
This morning, somehow, I was pulled away from all of that for a few moments. Sean Lucas' sermon and Jon Medlock's Sunday School lesson reminded me of the glory of the Lord, the wonder with which the first Christmas was celebrated. They both spoke of the angels' song to the shepards and how the Glory of God was revealed and how the shepards rejoiced, responded and believed. It really reminded me that I am someone who wasn't waiting for an angel to deliver the news to me - I know it already. But, at the smae point, I have not responded in joy and belief. I have rejected the Glory of the Lord for the sadness of the world. Now, don't get me wrong - the world is real, and the situations that we are enduring here are real. I know the sadness that I, and others, have suffered is real, but God's glory and His promise is just as real. Our faith is not just a bunch of doctrine, but it is something that should touch our hearts as much as it touches our minds, and in all honesty, I have not let my faith touch my heart or my mind.
The road ahead is long - there is pain and sadness, for certain. But there is also the road of my faith, a road that gives peace on earth. Hopefully, that road, will be the road that I choose to follow - the road that will lead me to my own Christmas experience.

a glimmer of the star

Just a quick post this morning to share a joyous "time out" that I experienced last evening. It was truly one of the first moments where the joy of Christ's birth took over my mind for even just a few moments. Katherine sang in last nite's Christmas service, and for just a few minutes I began to see her growth and maturity consume my heart to a point that the reality of Christmas overcame all the pain and frustration of this past week. It was a joy to see her sing so boldly and loudly in front of the congregation, and frankly, my heart was full of pride (a good pride, if there is such a thing) as many people noted her enthusiasm and joy as she sang about Christ's birth. The growth that she is experiencing evidenced itself just a little later, when as we were taking communion, she asked Julie about communion, and why she couldn't have any. It was at that point that I realized that she is growing up, and prayerfully, growing in the Spirit as well. I haven't come up with a good answer for her about the communion question, but the mere fact that she asked was a thrill - a chance for me to truly begin to share the Gospel and it's meaning with her.
Thank you Jesus for her heart and for that moment with her.

burning at both ends

It has been a week like no other that I have ever experienced, but I fear it is just the beginning of similar weeks in the near future. I spent most of my energy - physical, spiritual and emotional dealing with death. I saw the final chapter in the death of a little girl 10 days old, and I saw what I believe to be the first chapter in the last weeks and months of my mother's life - two very similar experiences coming from both ends of life.
Each of these circumstances were exhausting in their own way. For Meghan, it has been a long journey for Julie and I, trying to serve the family in anyway possible for the past few weeks. We watched Karen and Steve go through so many emotions, but yet tried to stay a little ahead of the emotional part of the circumstance so that we could help them with basic every day things - meals, childcare and so on. Yet, somehow when all of this ended this week, there was a chance to just stop and reflect on how God has worked in so many people's lives through this experience. It was something that I don't think we had really done as it was all happening.
The chance to stop and reflect was cut a little short as the medical situation with my mom took center stage as this week began. She had her biopsy on Monday, and was released from the hosptial awaiting results. Unfortunately, her time since she's come home has not been easy. Her medications have taken a toll on her physically, and taken probably an even greater toll on my Dad as he seeks to care for her in this phase.
I have truly tried to do what I can, but I find myself drained in every way possible, and the thoughts that have started as I witness her situation have tossed me into every emotional realm possible. My emotions have gone from guilt to sadness to denial to exhaustion. I struggle with the difficulties in our relationship, and yet, I see that unless she improves, those issues are ones that may not ever be confronted.

so this is Christmas

So many times, it's so easy for me to sit down and type out something to post - but this time, that's not the case. The weekend that has just come to a close has been one of the most difficult experiences that I have ever had, and frankly, there's no cute way or clever way to write about it, so I guess it's not worth even trying.
We have experienced much grief this past weekend. First, our friends who had twins delivered by emergency c-section 10 days ago, lost the little girl twin, Meghan. Meghan had not been expected to live, but that never makes the loss of a child any easier. Julie and I (mostly Julie) have spent time and energy attempting to show Christ's love to this family, and it just breaks our heart to see Karen and Steve lose this little one they loved so very much. This family's faithfulness to Christ throughout this entire process has been amazing. Their faith and trust in God has remained so strong, and Steve even said at one point that the thing to remember throughout this trial is that "Jesus wept", and that God, our Father, knows exactly what it's like to lose a child. Thinking of the sacrifice and the payment for our sin that Christ's death was, I truly believe that there can be no greater loss to any parent than the loss of a child. It is against the natural order when parents are left to mourn that loss, and we certainly share that loss and that pain with them.
As we were struggling through what we knew would be Meghan's final hours here on earth, we were also hit by another great shock. My mother has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and has been given a relatively short time to live. This came as a shock to everyone, and although people keep asking me how I'm feeling, I'm not sure whether it has sunk in or whether there's a long way to go til it really hits home. It has been a struggle to face the reality of what losing my Mom really means. My Dad will certainly struggle emotionally, but at the same time, I have seen the strength he has, and I know that that strength will carry him through much of it. Already, he and I have become closer - as we begin to realize that we will have to be their to support each other.
My mother and I have had a tulmultuous relationship for years and years, and I suspect that as time passes, I will struggle with a lot of unresolved feelings and issues with her. I know that even facing what she faces, it will be hard for us to come to a point in our relationship that all will be good. I will also struggle with the fact that I am uncertain at this point as to whether she has trusted Christ as her Savior. I was asked that by someone at church yesterday, and frankly, the question took on a whole different meaning. I pray that somehow, in the time she has left, the Lord will give me the strength I need to confront the issues I need to confront with her, and that the Lord will use someone, preferably not me, to share the Gospel, and work in her heart.
One thing the Lord has already spoken to me is that He is going to use this circumstance to work in my life. I have struggled much with commitment to His word and to prayer, and I wonder if this is the way that He will draw me back to Him. I know though and am comforted by the fact that He is working in my life and my heart through this.

"When through fiery trials your pathway shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be your supply;
The flame shall not hurt you; I only design
Your dross to consume and your gold to refine.

The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose,
I will not, I will not desert to his foes;
That soul THOUGH ALL HELL SHOULD ENDEAVOR TO SHAKE,
I'll never, no never, no never forsake."

I am sure that this will be a source of much of the entries that I jot down over the next few months.

looking for the light

Although it's only December 7, I've really been struggling getting into the holiday mode this year. It seems like Thanksgiving was years ago, and although I usually am the first to jump out of the gate to be ready for Christmas, it's been a very slow and almost taxing process this year. There has been a lot going on in our household, and somehow, Christmas is falling behind on the list of priorities. For me, that's a difficult thing. If there is anything that is important to me, it's being "into" Christmas from the morning of the Friday after Thanksgiving until the weekend after New Year's. The holidays are such an enjoyable, exciting time, but somehow, the real world is somehow clouding our holiday preparations.
People say that as Christians, we are not to be come consumed by the preparations of the holidays - that all the details of the shopping, decorating and socializing somehow take away from the focus of Christ at this time of year. In a sense, I agree, but in another sense, I completely disagree. To an extent, we as believers should be more consumed with the joy of Christmas than anyone else. Why - because we know the reason for all of the trimmings. If the trimmings get in the way of the reason - that's one thing, but if the trimmings come out of the reason - if they follow up our joy over Christ's birth, I think that we should delight in each part of the celebration. I guess that's the point where I have to look into my heart and determine why I'm so anxious to get into the Christmas spirit.

Bible Study observations

This past semester, I've been going to a Tuesday morning Bible study which focuses on I Peter. It's been an interesting study, and some of the things that were said this morning were very encouraging to me. Jon Medlock discussed the grafting of the Gentiles into the body of Christ, and he talked about how our salvation is a community event, not an individual event. What an encouraging thing to hear. It reaffirmed the work I'm doing as a deacon, and reminded me of God's presence as I deal with all of the insignificant struggles in my life. It also reminded me that as a member of the community, I need to be persistent in seeking out community for my spiritual growth.
Although I'm not complaining, the majority of the community work of my salvation has been on the behalf of others, and I've realized that this is a very important part of my salvation. It has been a blessing to me to see how some of our community has joined together to rally behind some families in our church who are struggling right now.
In the same sense, although I sometimes don't always understand or remember it, I do know in my heart, that God is concerned about my struggles as well. I've often been the first to minimize my struggles, and although the issues that I'm facing in my life are not nearly as severe as the issues that others are facing, they are issues - my issues. And in my heart, in my mind and in my life, they are significant. I struggle with feeling that I am an adequate provider and that I am working for a greater glory through my work. I struggle with wanting to work for the simple reason of rejoicing in the job I have, but working in an environment where that type of work ethic is for the weak and naive. It's a struggle to work for the glory of God and His kingdom when such motivation basically doesn't exist in my workplace.
I touch on the other issue that we discussed today - that salvation is a combination of thought and action - that we must believe and we must act on that belief. Frankly, I think I do better with the acting on the belief than I do on the actual believing. As I stated earlier, though I place my faith in Christ, my response to the struggles I have every day do not reflect that belief. They reflect a belief that I must be much more self-sustaining because God has so many "bigger" issues and concerns with others around the world. How could He have time for my pathetic little concerns when there are people dying and others with babies who are dying?
That is the point of my unbelief.

falling leaves

I talked a couple weeks ago about turning over a new leaf, but somehow that leaf I have turned over has fallen off of the tree - as so many others have already this fall. I have really not been faithful in blogging lately. Partially because I don't really feel interested in writing a blog that is basically nothing but thinking out loud for myself, and pretty much no one else, but I also haven't been too focused on writing in my blog because right now, my life and it's little issues have taken on some real insignificance.
In the past few weeks, my work as a deacon has taken on a life of it's own, and it is mostly because of some difficult things that some people around me have been going through. There are several people in our church who have been enduring some real trials in their lives - cancer scares, difficult pregnancies and little babies who may not make it through the days ahead. These are just some of the issues that some people in our church have become involved in. As a deacon, somehow a chunk of the caring and keeping up with the status of these things has fallen on my shoulders, and it's been quite consuming, both time-wise and emotionally. It has really been a challenge for me to learn how to minister to these people and to keep others in our congregation advised of how they're doing. And, it's been a blessing. I have felt true joy in just being there and being a person TRYING to point those others to Christ.
The problem (or the blessing) with all of this, is that it has left little, if any time for the struggles that I'm dealing with. It has also left me with very little energy to deal with those things as well. Now, don't get me wrong, I do see that moving outside of myself is truly what ministering to others is all about, but at the same time, I feel that I've really been unable to minister to myself. I just feel like that there are times that I really need to process the little things as well, but I feel so stupid wanting, or needing, to put energy into my issues. What are those issues, you ask? Well, things like our Christmas tree not drinking water, bedtime issues of various natures with our girls and dealing with the realities of having a government job - whether it's the promotions, salary or general frustrations. I know that God promises to help us to deal with those things, but I'm kind of at a time when I'm wondering if He has the time or energy to deal with my little problems, when He is also dealing with and controlling all of the big issues in the world - even those issues that are bigger than the big issues my friends are facing.
Christmas is definitely getting off to a weird start, and facing these struggles in other people's lives and my own life although I do find myself praying for guidance, whether these things are still driving me towards that Christmas manger is something that remains to be seen.