Friday, June 27, 2008

Why in the World?

OK, so I just got back from court, and after listening to a guy in my officer and a defense attorney argue over a sentencing on a guy, I honestly began to wonder why I'm doing the job I'm doing. Most of the time in this hearing was taken up by sarcastic banter and argument over whether the defendant is a "changed man", or whether he's blowing a lot of hot air. As I listened to the two of them go back and forth, I realized that I am completely out of my element. Both of them argue things to the extreme, and do it in the name of "justice". The fact of the matter is that quite a bit of this goes on in court. People run loose and wild with facts, and instead of basing their arguments on facts and judicial issues, they go back and forth, and in the end, the judges sometimes buy into it, failing to do anything close to rational, but instead based on political soundness and "CYA".
Between this and the fact that there is a constant line of attorneys who spend their time calling my boss for a favor instead of practicing real law, I am beginning to wonder whether I belong in this type of environment. If I'm here, and if I'm supposed to be here, shouldn't there be some opportunity for me to make a difference, or am I just being naive and short-sighted?
Finally, to top everything off, the defendant in this above hearing began quoting scripture from the stand. He quoted I Corinthians, explaining how everyone who is in Christ is a new creation, in a very thinly veiled attempt to persuade the judge to give him probation, and not to accept responsibility for his actions.
This is all so screwed up, and simply blaming it on the fall doesn't satisfy me. Where do I fit into this crazy system, and what hope can I have of accomplishing anything with a bunch of people (me included sometimes), who attempt to do nothing but satisfy their egos and their desires to hear themselves talk?
Just some simple thoughts and questions to kick off your weekend.

Friday, June 20, 2008

A Good Man

A guy from church that I know and respect called me a "good man" today. Funny how those words happen after a day that shows that I'm far from "good".
I had a crummy day today. It actually started off relatively good, but I slowly became frustrated with many aspects of my life. The over-arching theme of my frustration, though, was that I found myself becoming frustrated with aspects of my personality and personalities of some people around me as well. I struggled for a good part of the day what to do with that frustration.
If I did what many around me at my office do, I would complain to others around me. I would "vent" or (more honestly) degrade those around me and the frustrations I had as they didn't conform to my wishes or whims. I really wanted to do that, and actually, in one instance, I may have done such. It's really hard not to do that. I find myself wanting to "vent", all in the name of getting things off my chest or trying to justify how I feel. But for whatever reason, today, I really was focused on whether that was the right thing to do. Is it right for me to complain or to gossip at the expense of other people? I know, somewhere, that Scripture says "no", but that leaves me with the question of what to do.
I bottle it up inside, and then I find myself realizing that I'm holding grudges, waiting for others around me to respond as I remain quiet. I get annoyed - upset even - that people don't see that I am frustrated and annoyed.
I know that the "bottling up" isn't really good either. It leaves me with grudges, and leaves me waiting for answers and apologies that sometimes I may not get - and when I don't, the annoyance becomes more pronounced.
So, back to square one - what do I do with the frustration. I really don't have the answer - other than the pat answer of "prayer". I know it would help, but I don't know how much it would resolve.
At this point, I'm not sure what to do. I just know that a large part of my day was wasted dealing with people who annoyed me, and then dealing with the results of those interactions.
So, this is a "good man"? I'm not sure, but I will say that after the day I had, it was encouraging to hear it.