I find it quite ironic, or I guess, quite providential how things in my life have been progressing lately. The bottom line of life for the past six months is the frustrations and annoyances that I have suffered on a regular basis at work. I have found that my work, as much as I love it, is the source of a lot of my stress. The people and circumstances at my office have become increasingly annoying, and I have felt increasingly distanced from everything there. I still love what I do, and I still believe that what I do is my true vocational calling, but the circumstances in which I have carried out that calling are not enjoyable.
To that end, I have found my time with my family increasingly enjoyable. Having the opportunity to spend the time at home with the girls for four days straight, although exhausting, was a real joy. I feel that time together deepended and strengthened that bond, and I am reaping the benefits of that every day now when I come home from work.
Then... from nowhere has come the most recent surprise, an increased sense of calling to be involved in the ministries of my church. I have been a deacon at Covenant Church for two years now, and recently, it has become apparent that my level of commitment and involvement is potentially on the verge of becoming much deeper and much stronger. It is an opportunity that excites me, but surprises me at the same time. I have received much praise and positive response from the work I've done - work that I've felt that I've only done to a standard, acceptable level, but in the eyes of others, work that has truly been guided and blessed by God.
It's hard for me to accept the compliments I've received, and I always struggle, as a reformed Presbyterian, with balancing accepting compliments and giving the glory to God.
I so want to be proud, but I know that pride is a terribly sad state of mind. How do you balance the two? How do you give the glory to God for working through you in a way that His glory shows out from you to others? I don't understand how to do that - how that everyone outside sees Him, not you. And... is it terribly wrong that they do see you (me) when I'm the vessel?
To add to the blessing of my work, Julie has also become more involved and become drawn more into the inner workings of the women's ministries at our church. It's weird to sense this concept that we are becoming this intrinsic part of the inner-workings of our congregation. It is exciting, yet terrifying at the same time. To feel that we are holding ourselves out even more as faithful followers of Christ - while we sometimes don't feel that we are those same faithful followers on a daily basis.
In any sense, the work that I've been doing has been a blessing, because it's been an encouragement to me - a source of validation that God is able to work through me and through the things I do, despite the obstacles I face every day. Still, the obstacles exist. Even today, confrontation with others in my office can be a frustrating experience, and bring me right back down to earth.
I know that we are not supposed to focus on the temporary struggle - we discussed it this week in our Peter Bible Study, but the fact is that the temporary struggles are what is real from day to day, not the yet-to-come glory.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Saturday, September 16, 2006
John Bauer, J.D., "Daddy"
I'm taking a real risk posting this post because by writing it, I am confessing my weaknesses and swallowing a CHUNK of pride.
This past weekend, Julie went for a 4 day trip to a Women's church conference in Atlanta. In some ways, it was hard for me to be encouraging to her about going, but I knew that any reason that I would disagree about the trip would be purely and totally self-centered. And, in a way, I figured it would be a good opportunity for me to grow as a father to two girls. And, grow I did.....
I've experienced a lot of emtions in my four days at home. I've found myself understanding some of what Julie tries to explain to me as far as her emotions and experiences as a stay at home mom. I've found that I am definitely not cut out for the stay-at-home experience full time, and I've realized, that in so many different ways, God has created Julie in a way that is perfect for staying at home. I've realized that if my wife were as anal, up tight and obsessive compulsive as I am, that our children would already be destined for a life of being totally neurotic. I've realized that I am more of a perfectionist and that I would probably spend 1/2 of my time at home doing nothing but being frustrated over what I wasn't getting done - and not focusing on what I have accomplished.
I am reminded of a blog by a friend of mine where he discussed the fact that we are called as Christian parents to build believing, faithful children, not always to mold our children into what we wish we could be, and realize at our age that we will never be. It is a challenge, when you are the only parent, to keep that focus.
On the other side, I realize how I've been blessed by this time with my daughters, and in a twisted, self-punishing way, I will miss the last four days. I was blessed by the fact I had nothing better to accomplish than to allow my two daughters round-the-clock access to me as a place to pile drive and run around. I had nothing better to do than spend 1 hour every day reading books with Katherine while Elizabeth napped in the afternoon. I had nothing better to do than to encourage them as they built their strength and confidence on the playground. And in return, the only form of payment I received was the incessant hugs and laughter of my youngest daughter and the fact that every morning I was home, my daughter specifically came into my room and said "I want to give you a big squeeze". In addition, I was able to see how my daughters are growing. I was able to see how Elizabeth has mastered coming down the stairs on her own, and Katherine has grown in her faith and love for Christ to a point where she can begin to quote Scripture, and I believe I begin to see the glimmer of understanding of what she is saying. It is a blessed thing - and the biggest joy I had this weekend was being called "Daddy".
This past weekend, Julie went for a 4 day trip to a Women's church conference in Atlanta. In some ways, it was hard for me to be encouraging to her about going, but I knew that any reason that I would disagree about the trip would be purely and totally self-centered. And, in a way, I figured it would be a good opportunity for me to grow as a father to two girls. And, grow I did.....
I've experienced a lot of emtions in my four days at home. I've found myself understanding some of what Julie tries to explain to me as far as her emotions and experiences as a stay at home mom. I've found that I am definitely not cut out for the stay-at-home experience full time, and I've realized, that in so many different ways, God has created Julie in a way that is perfect for staying at home. I've realized that if my wife were as anal, up tight and obsessive compulsive as I am, that our children would already be destined for a life of being totally neurotic. I've realized that I am more of a perfectionist and that I would probably spend 1/2 of my time at home doing nothing but being frustrated over what I wasn't getting done - and not focusing on what I have accomplished.
I am reminded of a blog by a friend of mine where he discussed the fact that we are called as Christian parents to build believing, faithful children, not always to mold our children into what we wish we could be, and realize at our age that we will never be. It is a challenge, when you are the only parent, to keep that focus.
On the other side, I realize how I've been blessed by this time with my daughters, and in a twisted, self-punishing way, I will miss the last four days. I was blessed by the fact I had nothing better to accomplish than to allow my two daughters round-the-clock access to me as a place to pile drive and run around. I had nothing better to do than spend 1 hour every day reading books with Katherine while Elizabeth napped in the afternoon. I had nothing better to do than to encourage them as they built their strength and confidence on the playground. And in return, the only form of payment I received was the incessant hugs and laughter of my youngest daughter and the fact that every morning I was home, my daughter specifically came into my room and said "I want to give you a big squeeze". In addition, I was able to see how my daughters are growing. I was able to see how Elizabeth has mastered coming down the stairs on her own, and Katherine has grown in her faith and love for Christ to a point where she can begin to quote Scripture, and I believe I begin to see the glimmer of understanding of what she is saying. It is a blessed thing - and the biggest joy I had this weekend was being called "Daddy".
Monday, September 11, 2006
try to remember
Try to remember the kind of September
When life was slow and oh, so mellow.
Try to remember the kind of September
When grass was green and grain was yellow.
Try to remember the kind of September
When you were a tender and callow fellow.
Try to remember, and if you remember,
Then follow.
Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow,
Follow, follow, follow, follow.
Try to remember when life was so tender
That no one wept except the willow.
Try to remember when life was so tender
That dreams were kept beside your pillow.
Try to remember when life was so tender
That love was an ember about to billow.
Try to remember, and if you remember,
Then follow.
Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow,
Follow, follow, follow, follow.
Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow,
Follow, follow, follow, follow.
Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow,
Follow, follow, follow, follow.
Deep in December, it's nice to remember,
Although you know the snow will follow.
Deep in December, it's nice to remember,
Without a hurt the heart is hollow.
Deep in December, it's nice to remember,
The fire of September that made us mellow.
Deep in December, our hearts should remember
And follow.
It's hard to believe that it's been five years since Sept. 10. Yes, that's right - Sept. 10. The reason I say that day, and not Sept. 11, is because Sept. 10 was the last day that I think the world remmbered the kind of September that is mentioned in the song from the Fantasticks. Ever since Sept. 11, we have not had that kind of day, and so it's an interesting way to think about this anniversary that is commemerated today.
Sept. 10, for all I can remember, was probably much like any other September day. It was a Monday, and I'm sure that it was like any other Monday close to the beginning of a school year. It was also the first full week of work in September - Labor Day having been the week before. My guess is many people rolled over in bed a couple extra times, wishing it was till the weekend, and dreading the fact that there were five work/school days in the week. I don't remember exactly what it was like for me. My wife still was working, so I suspect September 10 involved the usual shuffle for both of us to get ready and get out the door.
I wish I did remember more about September 10. I wish I remembered how I felt that morning. I wish I remembered whether I felt more confident in the world around me.
But, I also wish I remembered more of how I felt on September 11 also.....
I think I have a regret in my life that I never actually heard the initial reports about the two first planes. I do remember that I was on my way to work, and for whatever reason, I didn't have my radio on - whether I was listening to loud music, as I often do on my morning drives, or whether I had just decided to drive to work wihtout any noise - I don't remember.
I wish I remembered more of how I felt when I first heard the news. I wish I remembered how I felt as the news reports came trickling in, and I realized, along with the rest of the world, what was happening to us that day.
There are a few pieces of memory I do have. I do remember wondering "What's going to happen next"? I just knew that more could be coming, and I wondered, in the light of this new world and these new emotions of fear and sadness, what "next" meant.
I do remember the concern my wife and I had when we realized Julie's mom was in D.C. and was possibly at the Pentagon, and I remember trying to talk with Julie and figure out how we were going to find out whether she was OK. I do remember praying in chruch that evening, and I do remember the hymn we sang with voices cracking with tears:
O GOD OUR HELP IN AGES PAST
O God, our help in ages past,
our hope for years to come,
our shelter from the stormy blast,
and our eternal home.
Under the shadow of thy throne,
still may we dwell secure;
sufficient is thine arm alone,
and our defense is sure.
There are some things about September 11, 2001 that I do remember, but I feel that now, a mere five years later, I don't remember enough. I don't remember the sting that I felt that day. I don't remember the pain and the tears as strongly as I feel as though I should remember them. I don't remember the way that I, and so many others, were driven to the core of our faith because we thought the very world we were living in was truly ending. There has been a lot of talk over the last 5 years about remembering what happened that day, and there is truly a political aspect of the lack of rememberance. We were bound together as a country and as faithful in God, because many of us felt, like we never had before, that there was nothing in this world that could protect us and bind us together as our faith could. Today, I think a lot of people don't remember. We don't remember what our cause is - not only our political cause and directive, but our spiritual cause. We are called today, just as we were 5 years ago, to turn our eyes onto Christ, and we have not remembered that calling.
It hurts to think about that day, but it doesn't hurt enough. And the hurt that I describe is certainly a lame excuse for hurt compared to so many others that lost so much more, and dug so much deeper than I did.
Hopefully, we will all pause to remember, but also, we will all recall what a great God we have - that He brought us back from that low day. Perhaps we can all remember Him.
When life was slow and oh, so mellow.
Try to remember the kind of September
When grass was green and grain was yellow.
Try to remember the kind of September
When you were a tender and callow fellow.
Try to remember, and if you remember,
Then follow.
Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow,
Follow, follow, follow, follow.
Try to remember when life was so tender
That no one wept except the willow.
Try to remember when life was so tender
That dreams were kept beside your pillow.
Try to remember when life was so tender
That love was an ember about to billow.
Try to remember, and if you remember,
Then follow.
Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow,
Follow, follow, follow, follow.
Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow,
Follow, follow, follow, follow.
Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow,
Follow, follow, follow, follow.
Deep in December, it's nice to remember,
Although you know the snow will follow.
Deep in December, it's nice to remember,
Without a hurt the heart is hollow.
Deep in December, it's nice to remember,
The fire of September that made us mellow.
Deep in December, our hearts should remember
And follow.
It's hard to believe that it's been five years since Sept. 10. Yes, that's right - Sept. 10. The reason I say that day, and not Sept. 11, is because Sept. 10 was the last day that I think the world remmbered the kind of September that is mentioned in the song from the Fantasticks. Ever since Sept. 11, we have not had that kind of day, and so it's an interesting way to think about this anniversary that is commemerated today.
Sept. 10, for all I can remember, was probably much like any other September day. It was a Monday, and I'm sure that it was like any other Monday close to the beginning of a school year. It was also the first full week of work in September - Labor Day having been the week before. My guess is many people rolled over in bed a couple extra times, wishing it was till the weekend, and dreading the fact that there were five work/school days in the week. I don't remember exactly what it was like for me. My wife still was working, so I suspect September 10 involved the usual shuffle for both of us to get ready and get out the door.
I wish I did remember more about September 10. I wish I remembered how I felt that morning. I wish I remembered whether I felt more confident in the world around me.
But, I also wish I remembered more of how I felt on September 11 also.....
I think I have a regret in my life that I never actually heard the initial reports about the two first planes. I do remember that I was on my way to work, and for whatever reason, I didn't have my radio on - whether I was listening to loud music, as I often do on my morning drives, or whether I had just decided to drive to work wihtout any noise - I don't remember.
I wish I remembered more of how I felt when I first heard the news. I wish I remembered how I felt as the news reports came trickling in, and I realized, along with the rest of the world, what was happening to us that day.
There are a few pieces of memory I do have. I do remember wondering "What's going to happen next"? I just knew that more could be coming, and I wondered, in the light of this new world and these new emotions of fear and sadness, what "next" meant.
I do remember the concern my wife and I had when we realized Julie's mom was in D.C. and was possibly at the Pentagon, and I remember trying to talk with Julie and figure out how we were going to find out whether she was OK. I do remember praying in chruch that evening, and I do remember the hymn we sang with voices cracking with tears:
O GOD OUR HELP IN AGES PAST
O God, our help in ages past,
our hope for years to come,
our shelter from the stormy blast,
and our eternal home.
Under the shadow of thy throne,
still may we dwell secure;
sufficient is thine arm alone,
and our defense is sure.
There are some things about September 11, 2001 that I do remember, but I feel that now, a mere five years later, I don't remember enough. I don't remember the sting that I felt that day. I don't remember the pain and the tears as strongly as I feel as though I should remember them. I don't remember the way that I, and so many others, were driven to the core of our faith because we thought the very world we were living in was truly ending. There has been a lot of talk over the last 5 years about remembering what happened that day, and there is truly a political aspect of the lack of rememberance. We were bound together as a country and as faithful in God, because many of us felt, like we never had before, that there was nothing in this world that could protect us and bind us together as our faith could. Today, I think a lot of people don't remember. We don't remember what our cause is - not only our political cause and directive, but our spiritual cause. We are called today, just as we were 5 years ago, to turn our eyes onto Christ, and we have not remembered that calling.
It hurts to think about that day, but it doesn't hurt enough. And the hurt that I describe is certainly a lame excuse for hurt compared to so many others that lost so much more, and dug so much deeper than I did.
Hopefully, we will all pause to remember, but also, we will all recall what a great God we have - that He brought us back from that low day. Perhaps we can all remember Him.
Friday, September 08, 2006
perfect in every way
I haven't really talked about the fact that Julie and I are expecting our third child very much. If this blog would have occurred when we were expecting Katherine, our first, I suspect it would've been the topic of many entries. Anyways, after yesterday, I figured it was a good chance to do just that.
We had our "big" ultrasound yesterday - the one when we could have found out whether we are having a boy or a girl. Much to Julie's consternation, we didn't find out... but that's another blog entry.
What amazed me yesterday was the commentary of the lady who was conducting the ultrasound. In the past, we had Mary - a sweet lady who was just kind of entertaining and comforting, but the lady who administered the ultrasound yesterday was more scientific in her analysis, but in a way, it was what Julie and I needed. As she viewed the various pictures of the baby, she would comment on what we were seeing, and almost every time, she would make some comment like "perfect size", "perfectly formed" or "developing perfectly". As she went through so many things - the bones, the kidneys, the four chambers of the heart, each lobe of the brain, and on and on, I began to realize how many things could be wrong with a baby. I realized how amazing it all is that these things form perfectly.
I also realized how blessed we were to have three beautifully, perfectly formed children. It is amazing what happens when a child forms, and when you really think about it, it is shocking how many things can go wrong during that growth. It makes me realized to see that God has blessed us two (almost three) times with this amazing handiwork.
This certainly isn't saying anything against special needs children, and I certainly see how God's work is alive and well in their lives as well, but to realize the many things that could happen, the difficulties that could occur as a child forms in its' mother's womb, makes me see God's hand clearly at work in our three children.
We had our "big" ultrasound yesterday - the one when we could have found out whether we are having a boy or a girl. Much to Julie's consternation, we didn't find out... but that's another blog entry.
What amazed me yesterday was the commentary of the lady who was conducting the ultrasound. In the past, we had Mary - a sweet lady who was just kind of entertaining and comforting, but the lady who administered the ultrasound yesterday was more scientific in her analysis, but in a way, it was what Julie and I needed. As she viewed the various pictures of the baby, she would comment on what we were seeing, and almost every time, she would make some comment like "perfect size", "perfectly formed" or "developing perfectly". As she went through so many things - the bones, the kidneys, the four chambers of the heart, each lobe of the brain, and on and on, I began to realize how many things could be wrong with a baby. I realized how amazing it all is that these things form perfectly.
I also realized how blessed we were to have three beautifully, perfectly formed children. It is amazing what happens when a child forms, and when you really think about it, it is shocking how many things can go wrong during that growth. It makes me realized to see that God has blessed us two (almost three) times with this amazing handiwork.
This certainly isn't saying anything against special needs children, and I certainly see how God's work is alive and well in their lives as well, but to realize the many things that could happen, the difficulties that could occur as a child forms in its' mother's womb, makes me see God's hand clearly at work in our three children.
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