Involvement in Democracy

It will come as no surprise to anyone who know me that my political views lean to the conservative, so as things unfold over the next few days, I am confronted with an issue of pride v. dissappointment, and how to meld those two feelings.

My issue stems from the fact that I am having mixed emotions as the events in Washington D.C. unfold over the next few days, and because of those emotions, I am incredibly conflicted. I confess that I am certainly dissappointed that Obama is REALLY going to become President. I guess, even though I went through real discouragement when the election occurred, the intervening months have given me some false sense that the whole election was some sort of bad, drug-induced dream that wasn't going to happen. Now, as we are inundated with innauguration coverage, I have come to realize that there's no such luck. We are about to embark on four (or eight) years of Democratic rule. Already, I read the headlines of climate control legislation, insanely huge stimulus/bailout packages and armed services that will be plagued by the sexual orientation of everyone's bunkmate, and I know it's coming. I know that as much loud and boisterous compalining that Republicans in Congress will do, the bottom line is that there won't be a whole lot they can do when push comes to shove.

At the same time, there is a part of me that is being caught up in the fact that our country once again can change leaders, and we don't have to hold our breath - wondering whether armed troops will line the street for it to happen. It will happen peacefully, and in some sense, that peacefulness will be all the more amazing considering the perspectives of the two most important men on the poduim (Bush and Obama). I am fascinated that we honestly are experiencing the first time that a white male is not leading the free world, and even though I disagree 150% with Obama's politics, he is an African-American, and is about to do something no other African-American has done. I think that must be significant, somehow.

On the other side, I am trying not to let my emotion become sucked into the propaganda machine that exists even more clearly than it did two months ago. For some reason, in one example, it was tyranny when Bush spent $40 million on his '04 innauguration, but Obama's $150 million is an acceptable amount, according to the media. We have people losing jobs, banks falling apart, but yet it's perfectly fine to have a completely obnoxious celebration in the midst of all the turmoil. The press is so biased, and now, more than even last fall, there is no way they can deny it.I don't know - there's good and bad here, and perhaps it's my pride that's preventing me from fully admitting the good, but at the same time, it might be my conservative common sense preventing me from being completly sucked in. It's even to the point I'm conflicted as to whether I should step out of my schedule on Tuesday to watch things, or whether my refusal to participate in this "coronation" is my valid, silent protest.

To complicate matters all the more, I watched President Bush speak last nite, and I was moved by his generosity and willingness to welcome Obama. It has hard for me to imagine a world where Bush is not president. When he became President, I had been married for about one year and was not a father. My life has changed so drastically since he took office - even to the fact that we were discussing last nite that all three of my kids have only lived during his presidency. There is a sentimentality to seeing him leave - I think that despite what anyone's political perspectives might be, they have to admit that he faced a very different world than what existed when he started his term, and in the midst of that came the defining moment for a generation - a moment more defining than any innauguration. A moment that changed how each of us saw the world, and thankfully, on Bush's watch, that moment has repeated itself - something that makes me thankful as a husband and the father of three children.

So, to watch or not to watch - submission to self-pride and bitterness or submitting to the thought that I am thankful to be an American where power will peacefully be transferred from one party to another, from one man to another - and a world where we'll all wake up on Jan. 21, and Republican or Democrat - we'll all still be a part of this country.

Catching Up

It's been a long time since I've posted anything on here, and in some ways, I have some regret about that. The last couple months have been full of emotion - good and bad. And even though I'm now in the midst of what some may term the duldrums of winter, the speed of life and emotion has not slowed down.

God has been very good to me the last few months. The holidays were a time of much anxiety for me. I was anxious as to our first holidays without my Mom. I knew that she would be missed, but didn't know to what extent or how anyone would deal with her absence. I thought about her often throughout the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas - her love of going overboard on her child and grandchildren was clearly missed. She may not have had the most rational way of expressing her love for those around her, but there was no doubt, especially at Christmas, that she loved her family and that in her own way, she was very evident about showing that in the way she was so generous to our family. I remember often as a child thinking how much I got, but it wasn't until I found myself wanting to give so much to my children this year, that I realized it was a form of love - a demented form, but love none the less. I struggled with wanting so much out of Christmas this year. I wanted time to do things, joy abounding as we prepared and more than enough gifts for everyone. The gifts weren't a problem, but there were struggles as I sought to meet my completely unrealistic expectations for Christmas. Work was especially busy this past December, and it was very hard for me to be strapped with work commitments as I sought to spend time at home.

In the midst of it all, I was confronted with the reality of whether I was passing on materialism to my children at Christmas. I was challenged to understand how to balance the desire to give with the desire to see my children grasp the true meaning of Christmas. Although I may not have struck the balance, I do feel that God has blessed our family with the love of Jesus in the next generation. My girls (Christopher is too young) do love to hear God's word, and love to spend time hearing Bible stories, singing hymns and even pretending that they are Bible characters. Katherine and Elizabeth spend countless evenings pretending they were Mary and Joseph, while I was often relegated to the roll of shepard who had to come to see the Baby Jesus (often portrayed by Katherine's stuff bear) when He was born. Although it bordered on obsession at times, it was a joy to see them enthralled with the joy that everyone felt when Christ was born. I was often challenged whether my real joy, and knowing the reality of the Christmas story, truly matched their pretend joy in being a part of that story.

In the end, I was blessed with 10 days off of work around Christmas and New Year's. The time I had at home was a true blessing. 10 days to do fun things and spend quality time with all of my family. I can't pick a favorite memory, because I was blessed with hours and hours of playing, pretending and preparing for Christmas. Truly a wonderful holiday.

Since my return to work, I've been thrown back in full steam. But even in the midst of the winter doldrums, for some reason, the memories of my Mom have become more real than they may have been for me at Christmas. On three or four different occaisions, I have been part of a discussion or something that pricks my heart and reminds me my Mom is really gone. I've felt the abscense is much more real and permanent, and that's hard to face. I often am confronted with the fact that I won't get to talk to her or see her again here on earth. I realize that although I found her frustrating and hard to endure at times, her abscense is just as difficult. I see the loneliness in my Dad's eyes, although I am thankful that our kids fill some of that void. I know that he is alone at the end of the day, and that saddens me. It saddens me more to know that someday, probably not too far in the future, he too will be gone. It's hard, because as we are forced to relate on our own terms, and not through the mediation of my Mom, we are growing closer. I know that my kids are loving him more each day, and that when he is gone, it will be sad for them - something I didn't really have to deal with too much when my Mom died. No doubt, he frustrates me at times, but I love him, and perhaps even some day - I will convey that truth to him.

The emotions run deep as always.....