Saying Goodbye

Saying goodbye has been a big part of my life lately. I have always had hard times saying goodbye, and many times, as is the case with the present circumstances, I find the impact of saying goodbye is a delayed one.
Obviously, saying goodbye to my Mom and grasping for the day to day implications of her death has been a huge deal, one that I'm truly just beginning to realize the full impact. It's been a tough couple of weeks realizing those implications. The difference, although not a daily difference, has been one that has kept me from being as productive at work as I should be. I've found myself losing concentration and recalling certain times and moments of my Mom's life - especially the times she had with my kids. I do find it interesting that there are more memories right now of her with my kids than memories of her and me. Perhaps it's just the fact that so much of my life, her life and our lives together has been centered around them.
The goodbyes also came fast and furious with a good friend of mine this past week. He has been a good friend of mine since he came to St. Louis, and I (and Julie) are sad to see him and his family leaving. We had the opportunity to develop a great friendship, and he was a good teacher to me about some issues that we had with Katherine a few years back. He was very encouraging and supportive of all the things we did to help her. I am very thankful for that.
More than that, I am thankful for the friendship and the group of friends that he is (not was, but IS) a part of.
I stumbled across this song and video on iTunes, and it seems to again convey a lot of the thoughts I've had as I think back on this friendship and on the relationship I shared with my Mom. I've been reminded of the temporary nature of life and relationships. I've been reminded that you never know the last time of something has happened until it's over - makes you want to make the most of every day.

My thoughts, and the thoughts of others

Last nite was our monthly deacon's meeting at church. I had volunteered myself to give a short testimony as to how God had worked in my life through the circumstances of the last month, but in a rare twist of God's providence & my will, it didn't happen. I thought I'd pose it here, followed by some lyrics from a song by Lifehouse (a continuing favorite group) that has gone into heavy rotation on my iPod.

Phillipians 1:3-11 - 3 I thank my God every time I remember you. 4 In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy 5 because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, 6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
7 It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me. 8 God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.
9 And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, 10 so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, 11 filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.
This was the passage that my family’s pastor spoke on at my Mom’s funeral, and I wanted to share a few thoughts about the passage, and how I feel it applies to my life right now.
I never thought that only a few days after I asked for prayers for my family last month, that my Mom would pass away. We knew that her disease was terminal, but we never expected the end of her life to come quite as quickly as it did. As I look back on everything that happened that week, I realize that the thoughts conveyed in the first portion truly convey my thoughts towards all of you. You all have been so gracious and loving towards me and my family in the past few weeks. You have sent cards, you have sent e-mails, you have conveyed your thoughts in person – and not just to me, but for those of you who could make the visitation, to my Dad – this being a real source of witness to him.
As I look back on my life the past few weeks though, I was convicted of how this passage applied to my life. See, I have found myself taking charge of things in the last few weeks – I took the reins of planning and organizing, so that my Dad didn’t have to. I wanted him to be able to focus on him, and so I felt the urge and the “call” to take charge, to protect and to keep on top of things. Also, I became frustrated at those things that I couldn’t complete because of all that has happened in the past few weeks. As tonight’s meeting approached, I began to get frustrated – I even mentioned it to Bill C. this morning, how I had great intentions last month, of following up with so many things on our agenda – moving those things ahead and keeping the cause of work on a march.
I realize that I am worshipping at the idol of my ability to complete, and that God has truly used these past few weeks to convict me of my wrong idea of how important I am in the grand scheme of things, versus how important He is in the grand scheme of things.
This certainly isn’t to say that I shouldn’t take responsibility for my responsibilities, but instead, I have built my worth on my ability to take charge and manage things. And, in some ways, I am frustrated because I have fallen short in that ability in the last month.
It’s not me who is going to complete these works, it is Christ Jesus. Just as Christ said “It is finished” on the cross, when HE completed the work of my redemption, He will complete the works that are set in motion for His purposes and in His time. A very difficult thing for many of us to remember. We are so tempted to think that the work we do every day – whether it be as sons, husbands or fathers, is up to us, and that the results that will come will be based on our work. I think that at times, as deacons, we are tempted to think the same way. We think that it depends on what we do whether God’s works of love and mercy will be accomplished. In all honesty, the work that we are doing is nothing more than the outcome of God’s work in us. We need to focus on what God is doing in our lives and in our hearts, and then let Him push us towards what we want to accomplish.
It’s important that we persist in our work on the diaconate, but we need to remember that our work is only an outcome of what God has already done, and He is completing His work through us – we are not completing the work.
Finally, in the past few weeks, many of you have asked about my Mom – whether she was a believer or not. I don’t honestly know the answer to that, but even in that, God has reminded me that it is His work, through the Spirit, that answers that question. I cling to a hope that He did reach my Mom’s heart, and look for completion in His work, not mine. God completes my hope in my Mom’s salvation, nothing that I did.


"Broken":
The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time

And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
Is *there* healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
*And*I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will
I will be okay

Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
Haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

Mental Exercise

For the past 5 1/2 years, I have been successful (to varying degrees) with my exercise/weight battle. When I first started exercising and dieting, I lost about 90 pounds - quite a feat and a feat that I was very proud of. Since my initial loss, I have bounced back and forth within the lower 30 pounds of that range. It's quite frustrating as my weight loss/exercise regimen has become as much, if not more, about my mental attitude about things. It takes a serious mental effort to get up and exercise, and I've had less and less success with that as the years have passed. Of course, these thoughts come on an "upswing", and I'm trying to figure out how to tackle this hurdle once again. I have always been amazed that dieting and exercise are as much of a mental issue as a physical one. It's amazing how the mental/emotional aspects of my life play into my success, or lack therof.

The "New Normal"

Two weeks ago, on April 3, my Mom passed away. She had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in November, 2006, and we were truly blessed with 16 months that we didn't expect to have. Although we experienced a lot of joy in that intervening time, losing her was still a shock, in some ways. Her health declined quickly - she went from her last doctor's appointment to death in 9 days. We knew that things were getting worse, but it was a total shock how quickly she passed in the end.
So, since that day, I've been living life in what I refer to as a "new normal". Losing a parent is a surreal experience, even when they live a few minutes away. You find that you've become programmed and have adapted to certain things - little things like calls on the way home from work or discussions about our children that come to a quick halt.
We are thankful that my folks lived close to us for 5 1/2 years before she died. In those 5 1/2 years, my relationship with my parents took on a different dimmension - that of a relationship between a parent and adult child. I learned that the time in my life had come that it was just as much my job to care for them as it had been their job to care for me earlier in life. I am still figuring that out with my Dad, as he is alone, but the time I had with my folks nearby helped a lot.
The experience of losing a parent is a difficult one to quantify in words, and the experience of grieving is different for everyone. For me, the initial time, while we were taking care of details, went quickly and I found myself focused on the tasks at hand. It was only after things started to quiet down that I found myself facing this reality of someone I love being gone.
Now, that the initial "busy-ness" of planning a funeral has subsided, and since I've returned to work after a two week vacation, I've begun to settle into a "new normal" - a normal without her. In some ways, that normal is a little easier for my Dad and I. It was a challenge to take care of her and to reassure her that once she was gone, that I would take care of my Dad in a way that left her confident that all would be OK.
But in many other ways, the "new normal" is difficult. It's difficult to think of our family - our extended family - without her. It's still not quite a concrete thought to realize that there will be one less person at all of our family get-togethers - both immediate and extended. Finally, it's strange to think about the fact that someone who was so much of who I have become will not be a part of my family's day to day existence, and that because of that absence, the relationship between my Dad and I will have to change. Mom was the organizer, the scheduler and the planner. She was the one that was the point person for the rest of the family to make plans with us. We planned a lot of things through her, and she did a wonderful job managing all the details. Now, it will be up to us to decide whether we should tackle the details in the same manner, or whether we simply make up new rules. All difficult decisions and things to fathom from day to day.

Why Blog?

It seems like every few months, I find myself thinking that I should sit down and continue the blog I started so faithfully several years ago. Usually, some event happens that makes me wish I would write things down. But, many times, I've stopped short, because I've wondered what the purpose of putting everything down in a blog really is.
I think in some ways, we blog out of a sense of self-importance. We have things occur in our lives, and we feel the need to share them with others around because we think everyone needs to know. It's a socially acceptable way of saying "Look at me. See what I'm doing. Take notice of my life". I find that somewhat offensive, and definitely not a Biblical reasoning.
Another reason, and I can't take personal credit for this reason for blogging, is that blogging becomes a sort of therapy. We put all of our thoughts and musings down because we as humans, are inanately social and communal. We have the built-in need for community - the need to share. When significant events happen, one of the ways we process those needs is by making them a part of our community - calling someone on the phone, telling things to our neighbors and close friends. Blogging takes the place of that for some. That is also an unfortunate side-effect of our society today - that many of us don't have the "real" outlets in our community to share the events that make up who we are. We find the need to use the blog as our therpeutic and community outlet.
Finally (and my list is not exhaustive, I'm sure) there is the reason of journalling. We want to blog so that in the future we can look back and remember that time in our lives. I used to journal when I was in school, and even now, when I look back, the feelings and emotions that I was experiencing come back quite vividly as I read journal entries from years ago. Entries from times in my life that are so different from my life now that unless I wrote things down, I would have no way of experiencing those emotions again.
So, with that analysis, I'm going to start blogging again. Why am I blogging? I'd like to think that it's the journalling that I'm going after. Perhaps there are tinges of the others mixed in, but the joy of being able to look back, years from now, and experienece the blessings and the struggles - that is my desire why. If I find myself leaning farther into the other reason - a reason that I perceive as a "not so good" reason, I may stop again - who knows.

Light Righteousness

OK, a few posts ago, I mentioned my struggle with "light righteousnss", and the lights are up, and here's a view. It's kind of hard to get a good picture of it, but it was fun to get one tonite, as we've encountered our first stretch of winter weather - byt the end of the snow, we'll hopefully have about 8 inches. But, of course, here in St. Louis, it will probably all be gone in a few days. I love it though, and I'll take what I can get.

Pondering these things.....

It's been a full weekend of Christmas activity, and although I'm suffering from "light righteousness" - that's the condition from whence one's righteousness comes from their being able to get their Christmas lights up and get their Christmas lights to work, I've been struck by a couple of things this Christmas that are of more significance...
First, I was struck by the sermon last nite at church. After we had ogled at Katherine's performance with the kids, Jon M. talked about the fact that he's not a very good receiver. Now, with the understanding that he's not talking football, I was really struck and challenged by his thoughts. One of the things that we've been trying to do with the girls is to instill a sense of appreciation for what we have and for what we are receiving this Christmas. It's always a challenge with kids to make the concept of appreciation and thankfulness one that sticks, but after Jon's sermon, I realized that part of the problem is that those who are instructing need a lesson as well.
Jon talked about how hard it is to receive from others - whether it's a gift, help with daily tasks or even a simply compliment. And as he talked, I realized that I am as bad as anyone in this category. I have always felt somewhat awkward at that moment after opening a gift from someone - a combination of trying to show appreciation and realizing that someone is doing something out of the kindness and generosity of their hearts. It's a very difficult thing for me to feel comfortable in such a situation, and it really challenged me to be a better "receiver" myself - even as I teach my children to do the same.
The other thing that struck me the other day was a conversation we had about the Baby Jesus in the manger. On Saturday, we were at a church Christmas party, and the discussion happened to turn to setting up manger scenes. One of the couples mentioned that one year, they were attempting to set up the manger scene, but Jesus was no where to be found. It turned out that one of the children had put the Baby Jesus in Mary's arms, not in the manger. We were thinking about the fact that here was a baby, yes Jesus, but at the same time a baby. We always see Jesus in the manger, but in reality, one would think that this young couple, who had gone through so much in the past 9 months, would not even let the Baby Jesus out of their arms. We realized that perhaps our connection to our faith is quite similar - we look at our faith and admire it. We gaze on it lovingly, and are even thankful for the joy that it brings us. At the same time, we don't pick up our faith and embrace it. Our love for our faith is at arm's reach, not the love of a mother's embrace.
Something to think about as we go through Christmas....

O Come, O Come Lord of Might

I was truly convicted and challenged by our Sunday School lesson at church this past week, and I've found that as my week has continued, I've been reminded of the lesson. We were challenged by one of the Covenant Seminary professors to look beyond the demands of the Christmas season, and to view the mighty power of the Lord that we anticipate. I confess that this has been a real struggle for me this year, as my work schedule has been absolutely swamped, and I've tried to begin celebrating at home. I've found that I'm unmotivated at work, partially because the busy-ness there has prevented me from some of my usual early holiday tasks, and in turn, my inability to do some of those tasks has made me less motivated at work. A nasty circle, to say the least.
I know that Christmas is not about lights, presents and the such, but being the father of three small children, it has brought me some joy to share those things with my kids, and to tie them to the true story of Christmas. Therefore, having not been able to do that has left me feeling like they're missing part of the joy, and then, I'm missing it too.
It's the continuation of the struggle to share the true joy of Christmas, but it's hard to get beyond the real world in doing that.

Charlie Brown

I won't mince words - I LOVE CHRISTMAS! And I confess, that since my kids have been born, I love it all the more. I have constantly struggled though, with the reason for my love of Christmas. Of course, as a Christian, I love what Christmas means - the beginning of the fulfillment of the Gospel. It's a wonderful blessing and what a great thing to be reminded of that blessing each and every year. But, at the same point, I love Christmas in 2007. I confess that I struggle with materialism, and it is very easy to get caught up in all of the materialism at Christmas. In fact, I will readily confess, that on Friday morning, at 3:30 a.m., I was standing in line outside our local Kohl's, ready to get a "move-on" with our family's shopping. I accomplished about 90% of our family's shopping within the next 6 hours, arriving back home about 9:30 a.m. with very sore feet from standing in line at Kohl's, Target, Wal-Mart and Toys R Us. Is there something wrong with me here?
On top of that, one of the most exciting parts of Christmas, especially in the last few years since we've had kids, is to see their excitement when the tree is set up or when the switch is thrown on our outdoor lights. Now.... I'm not completely out of control, but I will confess that the job of lighting the house outside is a stressful one. I get so annoyed when I open up the Rubbermaid of lights that all worked perfectly last January to find 8 of our 12 strings blown out! What happened... and why does it always seem to happen to me?!?! Very frustrating and somewhat stressful (just ask my wife), but in the end, the joy and excitement is a wonderful reward.
An editorial I stumbled onto in the Post-Dispatch really put a good perspective on this -
So, here I stand on the verge of another Christmas. Ready to wish everyone "Merry Christmas", and not every let the phrase "Season's Greetings" pass my lips because of my faith. But at the same time, is my love for the holidays taking me from the Linus position to the Charlie Brown position? Is there a balance? Is it a balance that will be clear to my kids? Let's hope so!!
I'm trying to hold onto that real meaning of Christmas, but also trying to savor the fun and enjoyment our world offers at this time of year. Does that make me a hypocrite? I don't know. Keeping the faith perspective is difficult, but essential.

FOUND!!!

The above would imply I was lost, and although I wasn't "lost", I've been discovered by the exploding blogosphere that is the people that we know. Hence, even though I haven't really posted in almost a year, I've been tagged, and I guess, according to the rules, I need to divulge my deepest, darkest secrets! oh, Mona Lisa - you'll rue the day.....
Anyways, I'll do this, and then perhaps, I'll return to the living blogosphere and begin posting more often.
My 8:
1. I'm adopted. Some people knew, some people didn't. As more people that Julie and I know consider adoption for themselves, it's becoming a more well-known fact.
2. I'm a farm boy. That's right - Johnny B - Asst. DA comes from the farm. I'm a corn and soybeans kind of guy. (isn't it obvious)
3. I too possess hidden musical abilities - piano and clarinet.
4. While some people can wiggle their ears or their eyebrows, or do other stupid human tricks - I have the very important and worthwhile ability to say my alphabet backwards at a fast pace. Apparently, I was "blessed" with this ability at age 2.
5. This one's for the Dillard's - not really interested in Rudy, am considering a second look at Mitt, but really wish FRED would pull through!
6. For those of you who don't know, I met my loving wife on the internet!
7. Give me an 80's song - I'll give you the artist and lyrics - almost guaranteed.
8. Nothing melts my heart more than my girls telling me that they love going on one of our "Daddy-Daughter Dates"!

OK, I know I'm supposed to tag everyone else, but I'm sorry, there's about 6 degrees of blog separation, and pretty much everyone I know has already been tagged. Does it now surprise you that I'm never good at the "fwd:" e-mail thing?!?!

Now that I'm back, I'll try to do better to remain back. My blog will probably be quite different from my wife's. The gets the fun job of showing the "fam", while I ponder deep thoughts and wax extensively like any good lawyer would.

I'm 39 for a moment

It has been 8 months since I've sat down to blog, and my lack of writing has not been because there is nothing going on in life - quite the opposite. My blogging came to a screeching halt right before our third child, Christopher John was born, and for one reason or another - I just never started back up. Perhaps it was because life became too consuming, perhaps it was because I didn't feel the need to continue to share my inmost thoughts, or perhaps sharing my life with anyone around me wasn't a concern anymore. Whatever the reason, a series of events that are about to occur in my life are causing me to reconsider the need to document my life for posterity and for those around me who read this.
The first of those events is the fact that Katherine, our oldest, is headed to Kindergarten tomorrow. There are emotions and feelings going around in my head that are unlike any others that I have experienced. I am experiencing so many emotions about this occasion, that it is really difficult for me to even put my finger on all of them. I am excited, I am nervous for her, I am anxious for her and I am sad. It feels like I have reach another "milestone", and it's a milestone that I don't want to let slip by without doing something so that I can remember, for all time, how I feel as a father.
I think that this is such an emotional experience for me because I have come to love my daughter so deeply.

unknown

I wrote a few weeks ago that every day was a new day, and so far, this year has not failed to live up to that expectation.
Now, as I prepare not only for a new day, but a new child, my thoughts are racing - miles a minute. I am excited, I am terrified, both equally and at the exact same time.

every day's a new day

Considering where things have gone in the past year, and considering where things are likely to be heading in 2007, I find these words strangely appropriate. Every day is a new day, and every day is another day for God to work within my life and the cirucmstances that I am facing, and the circumstances that I'm likely to face next year.
It hasn't been an easy year, and 2007 promises to be a roller-coaster ride like nothing I've experienced to this point. I know, though, that with God, and thankfully, with the love of my family, God will carry me through. It may not be easy, but it will be my life....

I'm 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
I'm 22 for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we're on fire
Making our way back from Mars
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
I'm 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I'm a they
A kid on the way
A family on my mind
I'm 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy, Time to lose yourself
Within a morning star
15 I'm all right with you
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
Half time goes by
Suddenly you’re wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We're moving on...
I'm 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
15 there's still time for you
22 I feel her too
33 you’re on your way
Every day's a new day...
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose
Hey 15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

peace on earth

It has been a disillusiong, difficult Advent this year. I have struggled, sometimes more than others, with finding the time and energy to focus on the experience that Christmas as a believer with two small children can be. It has been hard to do that. This has been less than happy month, and knowing that the future holds sadness has also made it very difficult to focus on the here and now. I have wanted so much more out of this Christmas.
I wanted a month filled with seeing Christmas through the eyes of my children, and in all reality, there have been glimpses of that from time to time. Katherine and Elizabeth have had their moments of wonderment, and although few and far between, they have been a thrill. I have also seen some of the true meaning of Christmas through their eyes as well. Katherine certainly is able to recount most of the Christmas story to me, and she is quick to ask questions about Christ's birth and His life, which is a real joy.
Those moments though, have been interspersed in between a lot of moments of frustration with the sinful world that exists. We have mourned the loss of a friend's baby and begun to mourn the loss of my mother - not exactly the expected Advent activities.
This morning, somehow, I was pulled away from all of that for a few moments. Sean Lucas' sermon and Jon Medlock's Sunday School lesson reminded me of the glory of the Lord, the wonder with which the first Christmas was celebrated. They both spoke of the angels' song to the shepards and how the Glory of God was revealed and how the shepards rejoiced, responded and believed. It really reminded me that I am someone who wasn't waiting for an angel to deliver the news to me - I know it already. But, at the smae point, I have not responded in joy and belief. I have rejected the Glory of the Lord for the sadness of the world. Now, don't get me wrong - the world is real, and the situations that we are enduring here are real. I know the sadness that I, and others, have suffered is real, but God's glory and His promise is just as real. Our faith is not just a bunch of doctrine, but it is something that should touch our hearts as much as it touches our minds, and in all honesty, I have not let my faith touch my heart or my mind.
The road ahead is long - there is pain and sadness, for certain. But there is also the road of my faith, a road that gives peace on earth. Hopefully, that road, will be the road that I choose to follow - the road that will lead me to my own Christmas experience.

a glimmer of the star

Just a quick post this morning to share a joyous "time out" that I experienced last evening. It was truly one of the first moments where the joy of Christ's birth took over my mind for even just a few moments. Katherine sang in last nite's Christmas service, and for just a few minutes I began to see her growth and maturity consume my heart to a point that the reality of Christmas overcame all the pain and frustration of this past week. It was a joy to see her sing so boldly and loudly in front of the congregation, and frankly, my heart was full of pride (a good pride, if there is such a thing) as many people noted her enthusiasm and joy as she sang about Christ's birth. The growth that she is experiencing evidenced itself just a little later, when as we were taking communion, she asked Julie about communion, and why she couldn't have any. It was at that point that I realized that she is growing up, and prayerfully, growing in the Spirit as well. I haven't come up with a good answer for her about the communion question, but the mere fact that she asked was a thrill - a chance for me to truly begin to share the Gospel and it's meaning with her.
Thank you Jesus for her heart and for that moment with her.

burning at both ends

It has been a week like no other that I have ever experienced, but I fear it is just the beginning of similar weeks in the near future. I spent most of my energy - physical, spiritual and emotional dealing with death. I saw the final chapter in the death of a little girl 10 days old, and I saw what I believe to be the first chapter in the last weeks and months of my mother's life - two very similar experiences coming from both ends of life.
Each of these circumstances were exhausting in their own way. For Meghan, it has been a long journey for Julie and I, trying to serve the family in anyway possible for the past few weeks. We watched Karen and Steve go through so many emotions, but yet tried to stay a little ahead of the emotional part of the circumstance so that we could help them with basic every day things - meals, childcare and so on. Yet, somehow when all of this ended this week, there was a chance to just stop and reflect on how God has worked in so many people's lives through this experience. It was something that I don't think we had really done as it was all happening.
The chance to stop and reflect was cut a little short as the medical situation with my mom took center stage as this week began. She had her biopsy on Monday, and was released from the hosptial awaiting results. Unfortunately, her time since she's come home has not been easy. Her medications have taken a toll on her physically, and taken probably an even greater toll on my Dad as he seeks to care for her in this phase.
I have truly tried to do what I can, but I find myself drained in every way possible, and the thoughts that have started as I witness her situation have tossed me into every emotional realm possible. My emotions have gone from guilt to sadness to denial to exhaustion. I struggle with the difficulties in our relationship, and yet, I see that unless she improves, those issues are ones that may not ever be confronted.

so this is Christmas

So many times, it's so easy for me to sit down and type out something to post - but this time, that's not the case. The weekend that has just come to a close has been one of the most difficult experiences that I have ever had, and frankly, there's no cute way or clever way to write about it, so I guess it's not worth even trying.
We have experienced much grief this past weekend. First, our friends who had twins delivered by emergency c-section 10 days ago, lost the little girl twin, Meghan. Meghan had not been expected to live, but that never makes the loss of a child any easier. Julie and I (mostly Julie) have spent time and energy attempting to show Christ's love to this family, and it just breaks our heart to see Karen and Steve lose this little one they loved so very much. This family's faithfulness to Christ throughout this entire process has been amazing. Their faith and trust in God has remained so strong, and Steve even said at one point that the thing to remember throughout this trial is that "Jesus wept", and that God, our Father, knows exactly what it's like to lose a child. Thinking of the sacrifice and the payment for our sin that Christ's death was, I truly believe that there can be no greater loss to any parent than the loss of a child. It is against the natural order when parents are left to mourn that loss, and we certainly share that loss and that pain with them.
As we were struggling through what we knew would be Meghan's final hours here on earth, we were also hit by another great shock. My mother has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and has been given a relatively short time to live. This came as a shock to everyone, and although people keep asking me how I'm feeling, I'm not sure whether it has sunk in or whether there's a long way to go til it really hits home. It has been a struggle to face the reality of what losing my Mom really means. My Dad will certainly struggle emotionally, but at the same time, I have seen the strength he has, and I know that that strength will carry him through much of it. Already, he and I have become closer - as we begin to realize that we will have to be their to support each other.
My mother and I have had a tulmultuous relationship for years and years, and I suspect that as time passes, I will struggle with a lot of unresolved feelings and issues with her. I know that even facing what she faces, it will be hard for us to come to a point in our relationship that all will be good. I will also struggle with the fact that I am uncertain at this point as to whether she has trusted Christ as her Savior. I was asked that by someone at church yesterday, and frankly, the question took on a whole different meaning. I pray that somehow, in the time she has left, the Lord will give me the strength I need to confront the issues I need to confront with her, and that the Lord will use someone, preferably not me, to share the Gospel, and work in her heart.
One thing the Lord has already spoken to me is that He is going to use this circumstance to work in my life. I have struggled much with commitment to His word and to prayer, and I wonder if this is the way that He will draw me back to Him. I know though and am comforted by the fact that He is working in my life and my heart through this.

"When through fiery trials your pathway shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be your supply;
The flame shall not hurt you; I only design
Your dross to consume and your gold to refine.

The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose,
I will not, I will not desert to his foes;
That soul THOUGH ALL HELL SHOULD ENDEAVOR TO SHAKE,
I'll never, no never, no never forsake."

I am sure that this will be a source of much of the entries that I jot down over the next few months.

looking for the light

Although it's only December 7, I've really been struggling getting into the holiday mode this year. It seems like Thanksgiving was years ago, and although I usually am the first to jump out of the gate to be ready for Christmas, it's been a very slow and almost taxing process this year. There has been a lot going on in our household, and somehow, Christmas is falling behind on the list of priorities. For me, that's a difficult thing. If there is anything that is important to me, it's being "into" Christmas from the morning of the Friday after Thanksgiving until the weekend after New Year's. The holidays are such an enjoyable, exciting time, but somehow, the real world is somehow clouding our holiday preparations.
People say that as Christians, we are not to be come consumed by the preparations of the holidays - that all the details of the shopping, decorating and socializing somehow take away from the focus of Christ at this time of year. In a sense, I agree, but in another sense, I completely disagree. To an extent, we as believers should be more consumed with the joy of Christmas than anyone else. Why - because we know the reason for all of the trimmings. If the trimmings get in the way of the reason - that's one thing, but if the trimmings come out of the reason - if they follow up our joy over Christ's birth, I think that we should delight in each part of the celebration. I guess that's the point where I have to look into my heart and determine why I'm so anxious to get into the Christmas spirit.

Bible Study observations

This past semester, I've been going to a Tuesday morning Bible study which focuses on I Peter. It's been an interesting study, and some of the things that were said this morning were very encouraging to me. Jon Medlock discussed the grafting of the Gentiles into the body of Christ, and he talked about how our salvation is a community event, not an individual event. What an encouraging thing to hear. It reaffirmed the work I'm doing as a deacon, and reminded me of God's presence as I deal with all of the insignificant struggles in my life. It also reminded me that as a member of the community, I need to be persistent in seeking out community for my spiritual growth.
Although I'm not complaining, the majority of the community work of my salvation has been on the behalf of others, and I've realized that this is a very important part of my salvation. It has been a blessing to me to see how some of our community has joined together to rally behind some families in our church who are struggling right now.
In the same sense, although I sometimes don't always understand or remember it, I do know in my heart, that God is concerned about my struggles as well. I've often been the first to minimize my struggles, and although the issues that I'm facing in my life are not nearly as severe as the issues that others are facing, they are issues - my issues. And in my heart, in my mind and in my life, they are significant. I struggle with feeling that I am an adequate provider and that I am working for a greater glory through my work. I struggle with wanting to work for the simple reason of rejoicing in the job I have, but working in an environment where that type of work ethic is for the weak and naive. It's a struggle to work for the glory of God and His kingdom when such motivation basically doesn't exist in my workplace.
I touch on the other issue that we discussed today - that salvation is a combination of thought and action - that we must believe and we must act on that belief. Frankly, I think I do better with the acting on the belief than I do on the actual believing. As I stated earlier, though I place my faith in Christ, my response to the struggles I have every day do not reflect that belief. They reflect a belief that I must be much more self-sustaining because God has so many "bigger" issues and concerns with others around the world. How could He have time for my pathetic little concerns when there are people dying and others with babies who are dying?
That is the point of my unbelief.

falling leaves

I talked a couple weeks ago about turning over a new leaf, but somehow that leaf I have turned over has fallen off of the tree - as so many others have already this fall. I have really not been faithful in blogging lately. Partially because I don't really feel interested in writing a blog that is basically nothing but thinking out loud for myself, and pretty much no one else, but I also haven't been too focused on writing in my blog because right now, my life and it's little issues have taken on some real insignificance.
In the past few weeks, my work as a deacon has taken on a life of it's own, and it is mostly because of some difficult things that some people around me have been going through. There are several people in our church who have been enduring some real trials in their lives - cancer scares, difficult pregnancies and little babies who may not make it through the days ahead. These are just some of the issues that some people in our church have become involved in. As a deacon, somehow a chunk of the caring and keeping up with the status of these things has fallen on my shoulders, and it's been quite consuming, both time-wise and emotionally. It has really been a challenge for me to learn how to minister to these people and to keep others in our congregation advised of how they're doing. And, it's been a blessing. I have felt true joy in just being there and being a person TRYING to point those others to Christ.
The problem (or the blessing) with all of this, is that it has left little, if any time for the struggles that I'm dealing with. It has also left me with very little energy to deal with those things as well. Now, don't get me wrong, I do see that moving outside of myself is truly what ministering to others is all about, but at the same time, I feel that I've really been unable to minister to myself. I just feel like that there are times that I really need to process the little things as well, but I feel so stupid wanting, or needing, to put energy into my issues. What are those issues, you ask? Well, things like our Christmas tree not drinking water, bedtime issues of various natures with our girls and dealing with the realities of having a government job - whether it's the promotions, salary or general frustrations. I know that God promises to help us to deal with those things, but I'm kind of at a time when I'm wondering if He has the time or energy to deal with my little problems, when He is also dealing with and controlling all of the big issues in the world - even those issues that are bigger than the big issues my friends are facing.
Christmas is definitely getting off to a weird start, and facing these struggles in other people's lives and my own life although I do find myself praying for guidance, whether these things are still driving me towards that Christmas manger is something that remains to be seen.