It's Race Week

So, this is race week! Yes, this Saturday, I'll be doing my second triathlon in Springfield, IL. It's hard to believe it's only been 5 weeks since I did my first, and it's somewhat harder to believe that after that, I decided to keep going, but I have. I wish I could put into words exactly what it was like to do the triathlon last month, but it's so hard. There were so many emotions that went through my head as I completed it. I do remember one thing though - I remember as I was doing the 5 mile run at the end - I remember thinking many times "why am I doing this"? and also thinking "there is no way I will do this again"! But, somehow, once I crossed the finish line, regained my ability to breath normally, and ate the largest amount of pancakes and bacon I had eaten at one sitting in many years, I somehow found myself signing up for TWO more triathlons, and also opting for a longer race! Seriously!? I'm sure this was pretty much exactly what Julie was thinking too. But, after a couple days rest, I pushed back in and kept going. This past weekend, I did a dry run, and was excited to really see progress in my work. The triathlon I did in June was a 500m swim, 22 mile bike ride and 5 mile run. The one I'm doing this weekend, and the one I'm doing in August are both Olympic distance triathlons - a .9 mile swim (1600m), 24.6 mile bike ride and a 10K (6.2 mile) run. Also, I'll be doing an "open water" swim in a lake instead of doing the swim in the pool. Most people think that the "open swim" is tougher, but I've really found that I enjoy it. Perhaps it's my Camp Highlands roots, but swimming in the lake seems much more normal. Anyways, race week carries a lot of emotions for me. The hardest part though, is "tapering". For those of you who don't know, when you do a longer race like a triathlon or marathon, instead of pushing your training up to the very end, you taper, so that your body has time to rest up for the event itself. It's somewhat frustrating and somewhat against what you would expect. Resting before a big event is hard - your mind feels that you should be training hard. So the taper in and of itself is mentally challenging. You have to put faith in the training you've done, and not try and do the work yourself at the end. A challenging idea, and an idea that really represents my faith as well - understanding you can't do it on your own, and trusting something you really can't tangibly see. It's not a perfect analogy, but the similarity is there. Added to the "taper" emotions are simply the emotions of doing a triathlon - something that was not on my radar or in my vocabulary less than a year ago, and you get the perfect storm of excitement, nerves and everything else. It will also be fun as I'm going to get to see someone from high school - another friend of mine that I've reconnected with through this stuff. The friendships that have been rekindled, and the new friendships that I've created have been such an encouragement and a source of excitement. So, here I go - into another adventure. I have no clue how I'll do - I could end up last, but knowing that I'll be able to tackle it and do my best is quite a bit of excitement in it's own way!!

Tell Me How!!

So, the motivation behind me starting up this blog again is that after I posted the pics of my transformation, I received a ton of messages, texts and emails from people. I was BLOWN AWAY at the repsonse that my pictures had, and it really threw me for a loop when many of the emails and messages were ones asking me "How did you do it"? Unless you're a friend of mine that's only gotten to know me in the past year, you know what I used to look like, and you know that not to far in my distant past, I really had no interest in athletics. So how does the fat, band geek turn out to be running a triathlon in his mid-40's?!?! Unfortunlately, I can't really pinpoint how it started or why it started, but as to the why, it has become something amazing. The how, yea, that's pretty crazy too. There's not really a clear reason why I started working out. When I weighed 335 pounds on our wedding day, I don't really think I thought a lot about my weight. I knew I was heavy and I knew that I had to always shop at big and tall mens' stores. It bugged me, but I think somehow, I got over it, and I just shopped there. From time to time I would try to watch what I ate (while it was going in my mouth mostly), but I never changed diet habits too much. There were times earlier in my life that I thought that my appearance was preventing me from dating anyone, but I was huge when I met and married Julie, and she loved me just the same. She never brought up the topic or anything, so I felt really, that for the first time, I was completely loved for exactly who I was. Perhaps that was what gave me the comfort to try, because after Katherine was born, I remember looking at pictures of me with her, and realizing how big I really was. So, for the next few years, I did a lot of things, and some of them worked. In 2003, I dropped 80 pounds with Weight Watchers. I began exercising some - mostly running through our neighborhood. But in '04, with two little kids, my exercise and diet got lost in the mix. I bounced around with various "no carb" diets, losing 15-20 pounds, gaining 20-30 pounds, losing 20-30 pounds, etc., but nothing really stuck. It wasn't becoming part of who I was. This got a little better in 2010. I started doing a "boot camp" at the local rec center, and started actually counting calories. The thing was, even as I counted them, the weight never seemed to shed. I got a little more energized with running in 2011, and started running 5K races. They were fun, and between boot camp and running, I really thought things would change, but they didn't. Then, the bottom fell out. In late 2011 and early 2012, I started working with a trainer, but at the same time, started having worse and worse back pain issues. I found myself frustrated because just as I would seem to hit my stride, something would trigger some lower back pain and I'd fall off the wagon. I often found myself eating when the frustration of back pain happened. Then, as is often the case, just when it seems the worst, God used the frustration and anger to point me in the right direction. I was referred to a chiropractor - Dr. Matt Lytle - who in turn, pulled me out of the training I was doing and pointed me in the direction of Emerge Fitness. In June, 2012, when I set foot in Emerge, I had no idea of the path the Lord had put me on. It may seem weird to say that God put me on this path, but I do believe it's true. I believe that I ended up at Emerge for a reason, and that reason wasn't only to improve my own health, but to open my mind mentally and emotionally, and also my heart spirituatlly. After spending the first 3 months at Emerge focusing on improving my core strength and my glutes, I turned to exercising more seriously, and I found myself looking at a 10K instead of just a 5K. My trainer, Adam, also was a great advocate of good nutrition, and slowly but surely I began to consider that aspect. I began making smoothies for breakfast - fruit, veggies and protein powder. They were good too! Then I began realizing some little habits that might need to go - the constant Coke Zero I drank - the late evening muches of potato chips because I was still hungry. Little things... I decided to challenge myself (and Adam challenged me too), to taking 6 weeks to changing the habits. I committed to cutting back pop, eliminating potato chips, cutting out late night snacking and finally - committing to "clean" eating all but 2-3 meals per week. Focusing on that, as well as focusing on some serious strength training was the key. All of a sudden, I began to lose weight like never before. I was dropping about 10 pounds per month for about 5 months. Adam challenged me to set some short, mid and long term goals, and all of a sudden, I began to see that I could do that. My first goal was to get down to 247 pounds - the least I had weighed while on Weight Watchers. And that goal came and went. Then, I decided to set the year end goal of 225 pounds, and I did that too. I began to set other goals - learning how to do a pull-up, committing to another 10K and signing up for an obstacle run. The pull-up goal eluded me for months. Every week I would work on them at the gym, and although I'd hoped to have them down by December, 2013, it wasn't until April, 2014 that I did my first pull-up. Then I did more, and more, and more. It was so exciting to see the goals getting accomplished. I found myself dreaming bigger and bigger - and felt that along with the pounds, a fog had litterally lifted from my mind. I felt more comfortable in sitautions, more confident in speaking with others openly about my faith, and more confident in my work as well. It was amazing!! So, the transformation has been much more than physical, but I want to stop here. I feel like I've rambled, but I think it's important to have the background in place as I move forward. The end ideal of this sitaution is that things can happen - amazing things - if you simply decide to make the changes that those goals require. God gives us wisdom and God gives us the ability to make some choices (not intending to start a religious debate with that), and I think we need to make sure that we grab hold of those abilities and opportunities. They can be blessings beyond all measure - and they can be encouragements and inspirations to so many around us - Grab Hold!! Go Forward!!

Thoughts on the road home

Although I had intended to start this blog with a bit of recap, I've been thinking on the drive home (while riding, not driving), and I've felt that I share perhaps a bit of my discoveries. This is the first vacation I've taken since I've been really focused on exercise & nutrition, and let me say - it was HARD! My initial reaction to things was to stick hard to routine & diet. I felt that with me being only a couple weeks from my next triathlon, I had to focus on working out and eating well. After all, I would have as much control over what I ate and I would have more time to workout. Well, guess what - I failed. Failure, of course, is a relative term, but as I ate with my kids and went out for seafood, I realized that it wasn't that easy. More importantly, I learned it was OK. I am slowly learning that just as I am a sinful, selfish person who messes something up every day, I am a creature of habit, and outside my habits and norms, life is hard, and I mess up. The good thing about messing up on your diet is that I think I've finally learned that one day or two does not destroy the base you've built, and that when you mess up on vacation - it's ok. You chalk it up and move forward. Now that we're getting close to home, my routine will return and I will be able to look back and say I enjoyed my vacation - not that I was so miserable focusing on diet that I forgot to savor the flavors of life that were in front of me for a few days. Tomorrow morning, my world of protein shakes and cycle rides will return - the next week will be big time getting ready for my next race. I think the time away from it all will motivate me even more. It's all about life - seizing what blessings are in front of you and living life out the way God intends - a way that honors Him and causes us to be even more thankful and driven.

It's Alive!!

After a long, long dormant period, the blog is alive. It's alive again with new purpose and meaning, and hopefully, new encouragement and inspiration. About a week ago, I posted a series of pictures on my Facebook page that got a response that blew me away. I never expected the feedback in the form of "likes", comments, e-mails, private messages and so forth that followed. So many of my friends commented especially that my journey and transformation was inspiring to them, and that caught me off guard. It never was intended to be that, it was simply a chance that I finally decided I needed to take the step forward to put out into the interweb the reality of the last year of my life. In response to this, I felt the tug on my heart to share more - not to toot my own horn, but to share a little bit more in depth of where my life has come from, and where it's gone in the past year. Also to share a little bit of what this has all done to influence other aspects of my life - my family, my thoughts, my faith and so on. So to start, I'll give just an overview of how I've gotten to where I'm at. I hope that through all of this, I can encourage others to do the same with their lives. I"m always glad to give feedback, but please know - I DO NOT KNOW IT ALL, and I hope that I never come across that I do. This is my journey - it looks different from everyone else's journey, but the common factor is that to move forward in any area of life, you have to find something deep inside you that pushes you further than you've gone before. You have to find a drive and an excitement that you may have thought did not exist. It's there - it may be hard to find - but it is. I never thought I had it, but I did. And so can anyone else.

Involvement in Democracy

It will come as no surprise to anyone who know me that my political views lean to the conservative, so as things unfold over the next few days, I am confronted with an issue of pride v. dissappointment, and how to meld those two feelings.

My issue stems from the fact that I am having mixed emotions as the events in Washington D.C. unfold over the next few days, and because of those emotions, I am incredibly conflicted. I confess that I am certainly dissappointed that Obama is REALLY going to become President. I guess, even though I went through real discouragement when the election occurred, the intervening months have given me some false sense that the whole election was some sort of bad, drug-induced dream that wasn't going to happen. Now, as we are inundated with innauguration coverage, I have come to realize that there's no such luck. We are about to embark on four (or eight) years of Democratic rule. Already, I read the headlines of climate control legislation, insanely huge stimulus/bailout packages and armed services that will be plagued by the sexual orientation of everyone's bunkmate, and I know it's coming. I know that as much loud and boisterous compalining that Republicans in Congress will do, the bottom line is that there won't be a whole lot they can do when push comes to shove.

At the same time, there is a part of me that is being caught up in the fact that our country once again can change leaders, and we don't have to hold our breath - wondering whether armed troops will line the street for it to happen. It will happen peacefully, and in some sense, that peacefulness will be all the more amazing considering the perspectives of the two most important men on the poduim (Bush and Obama). I am fascinated that we honestly are experiencing the first time that a white male is not leading the free world, and even though I disagree 150% with Obama's politics, he is an African-American, and is about to do something no other African-American has done. I think that must be significant, somehow.

On the other side, I am trying not to let my emotion become sucked into the propaganda machine that exists even more clearly than it did two months ago. For some reason, in one example, it was tyranny when Bush spent $40 million on his '04 innauguration, but Obama's $150 million is an acceptable amount, according to the media. We have people losing jobs, banks falling apart, but yet it's perfectly fine to have a completely obnoxious celebration in the midst of all the turmoil. The press is so biased, and now, more than even last fall, there is no way they can deny it.I don't know - there's good and bad here, and perhaps it's my pride that's preventing me from fully admitting the good, but at the same time, it might be my conservative common sense preventing me from being completly sucked in. It's even to the point I'm conflicted as to whether I should step out of my schedule on Tuesday to watch things, or whether my refusal to participate in this "coronation" is my valid, silent protest.

To complicate matters all the more, I watched President Bush speak last nite, and I was moved by his generosity and willingness to welcome Obama. It has hard for me to imagine a world where Bush is not president. When he became President, I had been married for about one year and was not a father. My life has changed so drastically since he took office - even to the fact that we were discussing last nite that all three of my kids have only lived during his presidency. There is a sentimentality to seeing him leave - I think that despite what anyone's political perspectives might be, they have to admit that he faced a very different world than what existed when he started his term, and in the midst of that came the defining moment for a generation - a moment more defining than any innauguration. A moment that changed how each of us saw the world, and thankfully, on Bush's watch, that moment has repeated itself - something that makes me thankful as a husband and the father of three children.

So, to watch or not to watch - submission to self-pride and bitterness or submitting to the thought that I am thankful to be an American where power will peacefully be transferred from one party to another, from one man to another - and a world where we'll all wake up on Jan. 21, and Republican or Democrat - we'll all still be a part of this country.

Catching Up

It's been a long time since I've posted anything on here, and in some ways, I have some regret about that. The last couple months have been full of emotion - good and bad. And even though I'm now in the midst of what some may term the duldrums of winter, the speed of life and emotion has not slowed down.

God has been very good to me the last few months. The holidays were a time of much anxiety for me. I was anxious as to our first holidays without my Mom. I knew that she would be missed, but didn't know to what extent or how anyone would deal with her absence. I thought about her often throughout the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas - her love of going overboard on her child and grandchildren was clearly missed. She may not have had the most rational way of expressing her love for those around her, but there was no doubt, especially at Christmas, that she loved her family and that in her own way, she was very evident about showing that in the way she was so generous to our family. I remember often as a child thinking how much I got, but it wasn't until I found myself wanting to give so much to my children this year, that I realized it was a form of love - a demented form, but love none the less. I struggled with wanting so much out of Christmas this year. I wanted time to do things, joy abounding as we prepared and more than enough gifts for everyone. The gifts weren't a problem, but there were struggles as I sought to meet my completely unrealistic expectations for Christmas. Work was especially busy this past December, and it was very hard for me to be strapped with work commitments as I sought to spend time at home.

In the midst of it all, I was confronted with the reality of whether I was passing on materialism to my children at Christmas. I was challenged to understand how to balance the desire to give with the desire to see my children grasp the true meaning of Christmas. Although I may not have struck the balance, I do feel that God has blessed our family with the love of Jesus in the next generation. My girls (Christopher is too young) do love to hear God's word, and love to spend time hearing Bible stories, singing hymns and even pretending that they are Bible characters. Katherine and Elizabeth spend countless evenings pretending they were Mary and Joseph, while I was often relegated to the roll of shepard who had to come to see the Baby Jesus (often portrayed by Katherine's stuff bear) when He was born. Although it bordered on obsession at times, it was a joy to see them enthralled with the joy that everyone felt when Christ was born. I was often challenged whether my real joy, and knowing the reality of the Christmas story, truly matched their pretend joy in being a part of that story.

In the end, I was blessed with 10 days off of work around Christmas and New Year's. The time I had at home was a true blessing. 10 days to do fun things and spend quality time with all of my family. I can't pick a favorite memory, because I was blessed with hours and hours of playing, pretending and preparing for Christmas. Truly a wonderful holiday.

Since my return to work, I've been thrown back in full steam. But even in the midst of the winter doldrums, for some reason, the memories of my Mom have become more real than they may have been for me at Christmas. On three or four different occaisions, I have been part of a discussion or something that pricks my heart and reminds me my Mom is really gone. I've felt the abscense is much more real and permanent, and that's hard to face. I often am confronted with the fact that I won't get to talk to her or see her again here on earth. I realize that although I found her frustrating and hard to endure at times, her abscense is just as difficult. I see the loneliness in my Dad's eyes, although I am thankful that our kids fill some of that void. I know that he is alone at the end of the day, and that saddens me. It saddens me more to know that someday, probably not too far in the future, he too will be gone. It's hard, because as we are forced to relate on our own terms, and not through the mediation of my Mom, we are growing closer. I know that my kids are loving him more each day, and that when he is gone, it will be sad for them - something I didn't really have to deal with too much when my Mom died. No doubt, he frustrates me at times, but I love him, and perhaps even some day - I will convey that truth to him.

The emotions run deep as always.....

Change and Loss

Sean Lucas made an interesting point in Sunday School this past week. He was discussing "change" and how change can cause stress and conflict because it causes loss. That statement has amazing implications in my life the last few weeks. Change of administration is a loss on my part as far as the election goes. It was a very emotional loss too. The Obama win for President was quite an emotional and gut-wrenching experience for me - perhaps too much so in some ways, but it was, just the same. As time has passed, the emotion has subsided, but I remain wary of what is to come. There are many people around me, with many different opinions as to what is going to happen on many policy fronts, and I have to say that I suspect that NO ONE, including Obama himself, really knows how his administration is going to play out. I do think that over the next four years, I may become even more of a political junkie and advocate - continuing to be educated and knowledgeable.

Change and loss took on another form in my family this past week. My aunt, my Mom's sister, passed away. It was very sad to say goodbye to Aunt June - though we were not always close, mourning her loss so close in time to my Mom's loss has been a difficult thing. Truly, the loss of the two sisters who were at the heart of this family certainly causes loss and causes change.

Winners and Losers

As I anticipate what's going to happen in our country in the next 36 hours, I am saddened as I come to realization that there's a good chance I'm going to be on the losing side in tomorrow's elections. I realize that people need to vote their conscience, and there are many people who think that a full-fledged Democratic government in Congress and the White House is exactly what our country needs. Part of my sadness is the fact that I am convinced, that in many ways, my family - all three generations - will be worse off in four years than we are now. I am saddened when I think of the ways our country could potentially change in the next four years - both economically and spiritually. I am saddened that someone with so little substance has been able to hypnotize the public and convince the public that "change" is good - without explaining to the public exactly what that change is.

I confess that part of my sadness comes from my ego. It's hard to be on the losing side after having been on the winning side for eight years. Although many would say that the last 8 years have been terrible, I am glad that we have had the leadership we had. I can't imagine how different the aftermath of 9/11 would have been if we would have had different leadership.

At the same point in time, I am again becoming discouraged by the work I am doing here every day. It seems that this feeling of malaise is covering a wide spectrum in my life. I am feeling again that my work and my efforts have very little effect on the defendants and victims that I am dealing with. I am discouraged by the response of the judicial system and the different players within it. Here, as in our nation in general, we're latching onto the victim mentality - a mentality that even though we are the agents of terrible acts - acts that hurt others - that somehow, a pat on the back and a couple drug treatment sessions are the "punishment" that we should get. That somehow, we can blame our troubles on our diseases, and not take responsibility for the outcomes of those diseases.

It's a discouraging time - nationwide and in my own life. I am reminded that even in, and sometimes especially during, these discouraging times, I am to remain thankful and to be reminded of the blessings I have. I confess, my thankfulness has been shallow. Also, it's important to be reminded in these times that our salvation and comfort doesn't come at the hand of politicians or even at the hand of our work and its' results - but at the hand of God. Now, if I can just remember that......

Looking Back at 40

It's hard to believe, and somewhat frustrating, that it's been so long since I've written on my blog. The last month has been an absolute whirlwind, but thankfully, even today, the Lord has given me a little respite by having cases bumped by other things. It offers me this chance to sit down and reflect a little - a particularly timely activity as I recently celebrated my 41st birthday and my 9th anniversary.

It's hard to believe how fast time has passed, and the past month is a true reflection of the bigger picture. I have been involved in two jury trials - both of which didn't go how I had hoped. They were both mentally, physically and emotionally challenging and draining experiences, but in a weird way, they have validated what I do, and have reminded me that this is truly where I am called to be. They have presented me with chances to work on behalf of someone else, and to put my own life and problems in perspective. As a side reward, they have also reminded me of where I have been the last few months, and how my life was changed.

Both cases were cases of motor vehicle fatalities, and both cases put me front and center for my work with victim's families. It had been my hope that these cases would have resolved themselves through the trials, but the one case - a three year old case - ended in a mistrial - thus dragging out the pain for the family. Even today, when again, I thought the case would be resolved soon, twists and turns have postponed that closure. It is so hard for me because I wanted closure for this family, and because it is out of my control, and (in my humble opinion) the defendant has not stepped up to the plate, that closure has still not happened. It has been a lesson that closure (along with anything else) is not in my grasp - that the Lord teaches me through that fact, and though I have tried to be faithful in my service to Him through these cases, I have to continue to serve, because the case is not closed.

The other lesson that has been forefront in my mind the last few weeks - both at work and at home - comes from a sermon a few weeks ago. I have really been challenge by the concept of looking at people and treating people - whoever they are - in a way that reflects the fact that they are made in the image of God. I supposed that it's common for believers not to grasp that everyone - including non-believers - are made in God's image, and that we are called to respond to them in that way. I have really been challenged in that ideal. I have deal with juries, with defendants, with judges, with defense attorneys and with people in my own office in a variety of ways - many of which do not reflect that they are created in God's image. I have been reminded of that frequently by the Spirit in the last few weeks, and have realized how short of that ideal I have fallen. It has not driven me to the cross as it should, but the Lord has at least opened my heart to the fact of my sin. A good thing, as long as I grasp His grace as well.

At home, I have been reminded of the same. I have realized that in many situations, I have fallen short of remembering that my own children, whom I claim to love, are also made in God's image. I have realized that my temper is short, that my anger is quick, and my love is sometimes much more shallow that I'm willing to admit. God has blessed me with my family, and I do love them deeply - just carrying that out is hard in the day to day.

So, as I continue to remind myself of God's image in those around, I close with a thought about my Dad. In the past month, one of the high points was having my Dad sitting in the courtroom during both of my trials. He gained popularity with the victim's family and with people in my office. He spent days here watching the in's and out's of the trials. It was a thrill to have him here, and I was thrilled he could see the fruits of his labors and his efforts. I saddens me that Mom didn't have that chance, and in a round-about way, his presence caused me to miss Mom a little bit more. I know that the next couple months may get harder, as we celebrate the holidays. I pray that I will remember she too, was made in His image, and that in spite of her shortcomings, her love was true and deep - perhaps a lesson I could take from her.

Postcards From the Edge - or - Change.... Hijacked

It definitely seems that the past few weeks have signalled some sort of great change for our culture and society. Looking around, things seem quite dismal. The economy appears to be falling faster than it has in decades, global politics has more and more signs of saber-rattling, and there just seems to be a true disdain for a political campaign that was, at one point, a hopeful opportunity irrelevant of who was elected the next President.

Keeping a stiff upper lip is definitely more and more of a challenge in the face of our circumstances, and I've come to realize that when the idea of "change" is presented, I don't think there's anyone, Republican or Democrat, that doesn't agree there needs to be some change soon.

But what kind of change are we looking for? It's my perception that whether the next President is a Democrat or Republican, the change that we're all really hoping for won't truly come about. I fear, that as in the past, a change in "regime" won't materialize into the type of change that most people are interested in. Change is a concept that has been hijacked by the political scene, and unfortunately, those who believe in God have allowed their concepts of "change" to be minimized by the political ideas of change. My political views are pretty clear, and pretty obvious, and I am not one to shy away from them. Even so, I confess, that I don't think a new leader will result in the lasting and needed change that our nation and our culture needs. Those of us who place our faith in God shoudl be the agents of change - not in a way that we are proseletyzing or Bible-thumping, but in a way that we are trying to show those around us of what real change - change of heart - could offer.

I have truly been convicted over the last few days, as I've begun to become somewhat obsessed about the election in a few weeks, that neither leader is going to offer the real change. I don't have a strong sense that either leader is guided by a saving faith beyond that which will get them in a little bit better with a majority of evangelicals. I do believe that one candidate's positions more clearly reflect some moral and ethical Christian standards, but neither is nearly the strong leader that I wish this country could have.

I am therefore reminded that over the next four or eight years, as our country is led by one of these two men, that God will continue to have His hand on the situation. It's hard to imagaine that God could let certain candidates win, but I've come to ponder the fact that perhaps, we will be driven back to Him, and find that we truly cannot find salvation in our leaders. It's sad that many place their hopes and dreams at the alter of one of these men. They are as failed as anyone elses - each with many visible (and some invisible flaws). I am reminded that my faith cannot be in them, and that irregardless of who wins, hopefully, our country will continue - hopefully on a path that points more towards God than a temporary leader in Washington D.C.

It's been too long since I've posted, and once again I'm sure that experiences and feelings have passed me by. I've been very wrapped up the last few weeks in my work. I had a big trial, which ended in a hung jury - definitely a hard thing considering the time, emotion and focus I put into things. It was a good lesson though - realizing that even the justice system that I try to so hard to work with isn't perfect - that the system that's supposed to convict the criminals and free the innocent is just as flawed as many other human inventions. It's caused me to reassess, once again, my job and how my job interacts with my faith.

I've been challenged in several settings to truly honor God with my work. Considering what I've been through, and sometimes, what I go through from day to day, that's a hard thing to remember.

Closing Ceremonies or Opening Ceremonies

The Olympics have been such a fun part of our lives the past couple weeks. We have all enjoyed watching it, and it's hard to believe that it's over. As if extinguishing the Olympic flame wasn't enough "ends" for one week, we've come to the last few days of summer- school starts for the girls on Tuesday. We packed a weekend full of activity in this weekend, and I'm thankful for that. We made so many wonderful memories going to the Magic House, Grant's Farm and swimming. The rest of the family is going to the zoo on Monday, and although I won't be able to make it - I know that it's a wonderful way to end the summer, and I know I'll get details of the zoo as if I had been there.



It's tough to take that breath and move back into the school year mode. This year will be different - Katherine will be at school all day and Elizabeth - two mornings a week. I know that this is just the beginning of moments of "growing up", and unfortunately, I'm finding these moments challenging to push through. I continue to be amazed at how the Lord has blessed me with the love that we all share at home. I am so thankful that I am 6 years into being a parent, and almost 8 years into being a husband and that I treasure these roles more than any other role.

In the same respect, I am somewhat excited as we continue to move into the chapter of our lives that involves kids that are growing. I've definitely felt that Julie and I have become more and more comfortable taking on different roles in our lives - taking on more responsibilities. Julie is going to be leading a group of the women's Bible study at church. I am excited for her as she takes on that job, and know that it's only because the kids are growing that she can manage it. The Lord is using our changing lives in wonderful ways.

Still, the misty sadness of watching kids grow is hard. I love the kids more every day, but know that each thing we are doing with them, and each day we are with them is pointing them towards growing up and growing more independent. Again, as I've said before, I know that's what I'm called to do, but it's hard to do and hard to let go.

Fall Breezes - Part 2

With the joy that I've experienced over the past few months comes apprehension of the future. I've been studying a great book this summer - "The Quest for More" by Paul Tripp. In the book, the author describes how our fears reveal the things that are important to us - how we should have a healthy and joyful fear for the Lord.

I have been convicted of that in my own life, as I have seen my "fear" of the future gaining strength. In two weeks, two of my kids will have started the new school year, and as much as I thought about the changes when Katherine went to school last fall, the new year holds more changes and some fear for me. Katherine will be heading to first grade and she'll be (as my wife points out) spending more time at school than she does at home. Elizabeth will be starting two mornings a week, and although I probably won't notice much difference, it will be strange knowing that they are both there two mornings a week.

Now don't misunderstand, my fears have no basis in where they will be. God has blessed us richly through their school. The fear that I have is that I am watching my children grow up, and although I often hear that the objective of parenting is to rear Godly children who can be independent, I am not ready to accept and/or stick with that goal. I have watched the love for my children grow in the past few months, and it is a sad proposition to know that their lives are taking a path that will lead them to more and more independence. I confess, the need for their dependence is an idol in my life - I'm not holding any punches, but all the same - it's hard to watch this unfold a little bit more every year.

I am thankful for the time that we have and I know that the fact that we will have less time together in the future will hopefully drive me to utilize our time together even better, but it's hard to let go. They are a blessing and I love them.

Fall Breezes - Part 1

The cool August temperatures have reminded me that summer is coming to a close. It has been a wonderful summer - God has truly blessed me with some fantastic family time. My work has been a source of a wide variety of emotions, and so the family time has been a great encouragement to me.

The pool was a big part of our summer. It was also a place where I saw my kids really grow and mature. Both Katherine and Elizabeth started the summer with a lot of "pool apprehension". Katherine was thrilled by the fact she could touch bottom, but didn't really like to put her head under water. Elizabeth was afraid of the water - no other way to put it. She would barely agree to allow her feet to be in the water, and would fuss when we picked her up and held on to her in the pool.

By the end of the "pool time" this summer, Elizabeth was jumping (with me catching her), swimming on her pool noodle (by herself, unbeknownst to her) and loving to be thrown up in the air. Katherine enjoyed a great swim lesson teacher and has really come of age in the pool. Although she cannot swim by herself, she is gaining some coordination and strength, and is excited to continue lessons this fall. She also (with a little encouragement) will repeatedly put her head under water and jump off the side without being caught.



Christopher has not met a body of water he doesn't love. He has enjoyed the big pool from Day 1! He loves to be pulled around in the water and when we sit him on the side, he loves to lean right over, totally trusting that we'll catch him!

It has truly been a wonderful summer, being blessed enough to experience my kids so much of the time. We've had a lot of fun, and I believe God has really given us the time together to grow in our love for each other, and in my case, my love and thankfulness for Him.

Letting Go

One of the most difficult things for me to do is to let go of control of many different aspects of my life. This is most clearly reflected in the work I do. I have (or some may say "had") a passion for many aspects of my work, but as I have stayed in my present job, I have become more and more frustrated with the fact that the control I have over various aspects of my job gets less and less. It's kind of twisted in that in conventional wisdom, it would seem that you gain more control over aspects of work the longer you work someplace. But, in my case, for some reason, it is the opposite. The longer I work here, the less control it appears I have over the parts of my job that I'm passionate about.
To resolve this conflict, I have two choices:
1. Try to fight for more control;
2. Let go.

It's the letting go that is honestly starting to win out. I have found that in more and more situations, I realize that my job is not the be all and the end all, and that I just need to let go. It's very hard for me to do that because I love and believe in what I do, and it is often the case that others around me don't. They deal with things in a haphazard and non-nonchalant manner, that often causes me to cringe and bite my tongue. It's so hard, and yet, I think it's what God is teaching me to do. I have come to see that there is so much more in my life that should mean so much more.

Then.... what happens when those other things that mean more begin to fall from my grasp... Uh Oh...

The Blessings of Being Strong and Courageous

Unfortuntely, my vacation is officially over this morning. I'm headed back into work. I can't head back though, without taking a few minutes to reflect over one of the most enjoyable weeks I've had in a long time. It's funny, the last few days before my vacation, everyone kept asking me where we were going during my week off - as though travel was required for a relaxing week. I am here to say that one of the most enjoyable ways to spend a vacation is to stay at home. We had an exciting week, and I will treasure this vacation - at home - for a long time to come.
It would be easiest to break the vacation time down into about three parts - Bible School, swimming pool and anything else.
I had a wonderful time this week as Katherine's group leader at Bible School. She is a sponge, and enjoyed soaking in the stories that we looked at, the songs that we sang and quite a bit of application coming away from Bible School. She truly seems to be a little girl who is excited by and drawn to God's love for her.
It was also Elizabeth's first time at Bible School, and she also soaked up so much knowledge. She enjoyed making the many crafts that the pre-schoolers made and has especially enjoyed learning all the motions to the Bible School songs that she and Katherine have learned.
The songs and lessons were a good reminder to me as well. It's amazing that although Bible School is geared to the kids, the grown-ups who are involved learn as well. I have seen God's amazing power to provide and care for me, by giving me this time away from my everyday world.
The other big portion of our vacation was the time spent at the swimming pool. Katherine and I were at the pool every day last week, and most days, Julie, Elizabeth and Christopher joinued us as well. The girls are each growing in their abilities and have used the Bible School lesson of being "strong and courageous" to encourage them to try new things at the pool. Christopher has become a fish in his own right. He has no fear as he leans into the pool from the side, knowing of course, that we are right there to catch him. He's definitely one that needs watching around the pool.
It was a joy to just find time to hang out with the kids and to feel that Julie and I could stay up a little later each night talking. The fact that we had no agenda, no plans and no timetable was a wonderful blessing to our whole family.
I am thankful for the blessings I have in my family, and I am thankful that God gave me this time off to see how blessed I truly am.

Wonderful Distractions

I am thankful that the Lord has given me distraction. It is a wonderful blessing that after only one day away from my office, the Lord has blessed me with the distraction of my life to cause me to relax and enjoy His blessings. I spent a wonderful 4th of July with my family yesterday. It was one of those days that was a blessing in that I saw something through my chidlren's simple eyes and savored that joy. We had the opportuity to go to their first parade in the morning, and then I topped off the day with a "daddy-daughter" date with Katherine on the St. Charles riverfront to ride carnival rides and take in the fireworks. It was an evening of pure, childlike pleasure. For whatever reason, we had never taken the kids to parade or to carnival rides, and after having done so, I found myself vowing to continue to expose the kids to more new experiences. They are coming to the age when new things aren't always scary, and it is a joy to see the fun in their eyes and hear it in their squeals.

The joy continued throughout the weekend as the girls became completely focused on sparklers and fireworks (OK, Katheirne likes the fireworks, Elizabeth does not - yet). I confess my pyrotechnic male side was thrilled at their interest, and at the fact that on July 6, they were sad that the fireworks tents were coming down til next year.

It has been a great weekend, and the week looks good too - God has provided me a wonderful respite from work.

Why in the World?

OK, so I just got back from court, and after listening to a guy in my officer and a defense attorney argue over a sentencing on a guy, I honestly began to wonder why I'm doing the job I'm doing. Most of the time in this hearing was taken up by sarcastic banter and argument over whether the defendant is a "changed man", or whether he's blowing a lot of hot air. As I listened to the two of them go back and forth, I realized that I am completely out of my element. Both of them argue things to the extreme, and do it in the name of "justice". The fact of the matter is that quite a bit of this goes on in court. People run loose and wild with facts, and instead of basing their arguments on facts and judicial issues, they go back and forth, and in the end, the judges sometimes buy into it, failing to do anything close to rational, but instead based on political soundness and "CYA".
Between this and the fact that there is a constant line of attorneys who spend their time calling my boss for a favor instead of practicing real law, I am beginning to wonder whether I belong in this type of environment. If I'm here, and if I'm supposed to be here, shouldn't there be some opportunity for me to make a difference, or am I just being naive and short-sighted?
Finally, to top everything off, the defendant in this above hearing began quoting scripture from the stand. He quoted I Corinthians, explaining how everyone who is in Christ is a new creation, in a very thinly veiled attempt to persuade the judge to give him probation, and not to accept responsibility for his actions.
This is all so screwed up, and simply blaming it on the fall doesn't satisfy me. Where do I fit into this crazy system, and what hope can I have of accomplishing anything with a bunch of people (me included sometimes), who attempt to do nothing but satisfy their egos and their desires to hear themselves talk?
Just some simple thoughts and questions to kick off your weekend.

A Good Man

A guy from church that I know and respect called me a "good man" today. Funny how those words happen after a day that shows that I'm far from "good".
I had a crummy day today. It actually started off relatively good, but I slowly became frustrated with many aspects of my life. The over-arching theme of my frustration, though, was that I found myself becoming frustrated with aspects of my personality and personalities of some people around me as well. I struggled for a good part of the day what to do with that frustration.
If I did what many around me at my office do, I would complain to others around me. I would "vent" or (more honestly) degrade those around me and the frustrations I had as they didn't conform to my wishes or whims. I really wanted to do that, and actually, in one instance, I may have done such. It's really hard not to do that. I find myself wanting to "vent", all in the name of getting things off my chest or trying to justify how I feel. But for whatever reason, today, I really was focused on whether that was the right thing to do. Is it right for me to complain or to gossip at the expense of other people? I know, somewhere, that Scripture says "no", but that leaves me with the question of what to do.
I bottle it up inside, and then I find myself realizing that I'm holding grudges, waiting for others around me to respond as I remain quiet. I get annoyed - upset even - that people don't see that I am frustrated and annoyed.
I know that the "bottling up" isn't really good either. It leaves me with grudges, and leaves me waiting for answers and apologies that sometimes I may not get - and when I don't, the annoyance becomes more pronounced.
So, back to square one - what do I do with the frustration. I really don't have the answer - other than the pat answer of "prayer". I know it would help, but I don't know how much it would resolve.
At this point, I'm not sure what to do. I just know that a large part of my day was wasted dealing with people who annoyed me, and then dealing with the results of those interactions.
So, this is a "good man"? I'm not sure, but I will say that after the day I had, it was encouraging to hear it.

A Sailor's Son Looks at 82

So, in the midst of all the excitement at our house, an important date has kind of slipped, but not really. Today is my Dad's birthday - 82 years and going strong. In the midst of my Mom's death, my relationship with my Dad has taken on a new significance and a new closeness. My Dad and I are very different people. First of all, my Dad was the first McGyver. He can concoct ways to fix things with whatever happens to be around - I guess in the old days, they called that resourceful. I call it amazing. I am one of the worst home improvement people on the planet, so even in the early stages of my middle years, I often find myself calling my Dad to ask him what he can do when something at our house is broken. It is amazing what he comes up with! Anyways, it continues to astound me. Also, my Dad is practical, down to earth and not really a detail person - the small stuff isn't a big problem to him, and it is so wonderful to see how someone lives in the moment and doesn't worry about everything - he just does it. All of this is so "not me", and there are many times that I wish I could be so much more like him.
These practical personality traits have become very helpful to him since my Mom has died, and he just picks up and does what he needs to do. We have offered time and time again to do the tasks that my Mom used to do, but he's taken on those things, and in some small way, I think he finds real accomplishment in preparing meals and doing laundry. We're slowly learning to let him do it, because he needs that kind of self-value right now.
I am very proud of the way he has moved into the next phase of his life since my Mom has gone. I know there is hurt and pain, and in the past few weeks, we have really begun to share some of that with each other. Before, my Dad was the perennial German farmer, not really sharing a whole lot. Fortunately, as we've grown closer in his later years, we've become closer.
In many ways, I am very different than my Dad, but as our relationship grows and changes, I see both of us becoming very similar. We both love children, and we both love sharing our hearts with our families. I am very thankful for the quiet love that he had for me, and I am very thankful for the love that he continues to show to all of us (especially the kids) in his generous ways.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!!